Me Magazine

Fine – so I need to make myself known. Let’s say I agree with that. Well I can think of a better way to do it than by smiling at social events. Here’s my grand plan:

Me Magazine.

Oprah has one. Martha Stewart has one. Even long-dead Shakespeare has periodicals dedicated to him. Why shouldn’t I? This is the 21st century and I need my 10 seconds of fame.

Me Magazine would be a monthly publication. Among the constant features would be “My Month in Review,” which would describe notable events in the past 30 days of my life. Think: “I Ace My Midterm” and “Record Visits to My Blog!” or maybe, “Earlier Bedtime Resolve Fails… Again,” type of headlines.

Another would be a section of biographical snippets: anecdotes or character-revealing tales from my past. Like, “This month 12 years ago I fell off a grand piano and banged my teeth through my lower lip, requiring eight stitches.” And, “The 5th will mark the six-year anniversary of my friendship with Rachel, who I despised until she let me copy her homework.”

There would be a “Stats” section, where, every month, there would be more details on my life, such as when I first walked, my favorite color, or my high school GPA. And important things like do I stack at the table, did I frum out in seminary, and how many hours of internet time I log per day.

There would be articles about topics I find intriguing (physics, computers, Leonardo da Vinci), and I would express my opinion through editorials (”Why do they have written explanations for the meaning of the “walk” and “don’t walk” pedestrian signals on Ocean Parkway? If you’re too dumb to know that a red hand means stop, you’re not going to be literate.”).

I would also include bits of wisdom that I’ve learned in the past month; for example, this morning I found out why electricians use electric tape and not duct tape over open circuits. I also learned how to repair a blown fuse. Or this little gem I constantly relearn: read the directions before trying to follow them. It sounds simple, but it’s oh-so-hard to implement.

And of course there would be the plans for the future, like the “upcoming in our next issue…” section that some magazines have. This would include tantalizing gems like, “April garden planting coming up” or “Can I survive a week on coffee and Tradition Soup?” or “As this issue went to press, the brownies were still in the oven. Stay tuned to find out how they turn out.”

This, I believe, would be far more effective than chatting with strangers at simchos. People would really get to know me indirectly. They could write a letter to the editor requesting my references if they think they know someone for me. And instead of asking my high school principal about my personality (like she knows?), the prospective young man can skim an issue or two to decide if I’m at all interesting.

The magazine would have to be distributed free, but assuming that most shadchanim are married, I could support it with ads for household goods.

The only hitch is the time and effort involved. For one person, it may not be cost effective. If a few of us got together, though, We Magazine could be a big success.

Interested? Just post below.