Maybe we’re equal, but we’re treated very differently. Have you noticed? I tried to compile a list of ways to game the system based on the different expectations for men and women, but it quickly degenerated into ways to keep a bad date interesting. Any ideas?
1. Ask for his suit size.
He asks for your dress size, why can’t you ask for his suit size? No reason you should be shocked to discover that your “just a drop plump” date is an earth-shaker, right? It should be a two-weigh street.
2. Take up smoking.
Orthodox Jewish girls don’t smoke. They just don’t. Nobody would even dream of asking if you do, so it’s one vice you can safely enjoy.
3. Add him to you list.
Whenever someone calls with a suggestion, make a big deal about how you’re quite occupied, but you’ll add him to your list. Then casually ask what sort of fellow is he? Naturally, they’ll laud the ‘best bochur’ to the skies, and you’ll promise to do your best to move him up your list and get back to them. (This will have the added effect of making you seem more desirable by lack of availability.)
4. Stack but don’t scrape.
The question goes: “Does she scrape and stack?” What if the answer was, “She takes the middle derech”?
5. Have bitachon.
Ever wonder if the “forever learner” you’re dating is sincere or just lazy? Remind him that he’s relying on the derech of Rabbi Shimon bar Yochei, which consists of learning and waiting for the manna to fall. Enthuse about how nice it will be to live close to Hashem, living on carobs and water and wearing sand, just like the tanah. Alternatively: tell him you play the lottery for hishtadlus.
If you don’t like him: tell him you’ve decided that since you’re taking on the curse of Adam in addition to that of Chava, you want to go lifnim miyshuras hadin and accept that of the snake as well. (The view ain’t great, but dinner has never been simpler.)
6. Ask the lemon-in-coke question.
If you order a diet coke that come with a lemon in it, ask the guy why you’re allowed to drink it, since the lemon was cut with a non-kosher knife. Chances are 10 to 1 he won’t know the answer. If he handles the embarrassment well, ask him out again. If he knows the answer, definitely ask him out again.
7. Use big words.
If he says epis or mamish once too often, start throwing in words like “sartorial” and “capricious.”