Well, actually, this is the first time I know I definitely scared a guy off by being smart. I wouldn’t even call it smart. Just knowledgeable. I know a few brilliant people who don’t carry an aura of intelligence because they lack active curiosity. But I can’t help it—I like knowing things. I find things fascinating. And I often wrongly assume that others are interested as well. My friends know enough to nod and smile or roll their eyes and say “I really couldn’t care less.” But I guess it’s different on a date.
Anyway, he started it. He did say, “So this is the Hudson River?” There really was a question mark at the end of his sentence. And since he wasn’t local, I figured he might want to know that, in fact, it was the East River. Maybe I shouldn’t have added the interesting fact about how they’ve recently placed turbines under the river to capture energy from the tide. Not everyone finds alternative energy exciting. Especially the sort of people who aren’t clear on what a “turbine” is. But hey, yeshiva guys don’t know anything. I don’t expect better. All I expect is curiosity.
And he did mention the Brooklyn Bridge like something he’d heard of but never seen, so I thought it couldn’t hurt to mention why it was so famous. (Longest suspension bridge in its time. Considered a feat of engineering.) Or that if you walk across there are plaques stationed around the eastern tower with the historical information. Hey – he might want to file away the info for a future date. And it really shouldn’t be impressive that I know my way around Manhattan and the BQE – I live here. I know this stuff. And I love maps.
Yes, I know about career tracks besides my own. Life throws lots of information my way, and I don’t chuck all of it out just because it’s irrelevant to me. You never know when you’ll want to know the average price of law school or what the new masters requirement for CPAs entails.
But I probably shouldn’t have mentioned going on a sailing ship kick a few years ago. But there were ships, and we had to talk about something. He wasn’t exactly being forthcoming. But I guess when he saw me looking at a ship and asked “Anything interesting?” I should have realized that he obviously didn’t find them inherently interesting himself. Give me credit: I didn’t mention that I could name all the masts and many of the sails on a five-masted “tall ship,” nor did I mention once trying to figure out how the complicated rigging system works. But he asked how a ship could sail against the wind. I suppose I should have stopped after the two-sentence Very Basic Explanation, but, well, it didn’t really answer the question, and I thought he deserved a Somewhat Adequate Response.
But there was one thing I know I should not have mentioned, even briefly. One item I should not have dropped, even casually in passing, even with no intent of following it up. I don’t know what possessed me to say it, but say it I did. In sentence number four about sailing against the wind I mentioned the use of vector diagrams.
I think that pretty much killed it.
Oh well.
As everyone always says: It wasn’t meant to be.
You wouldn’t want anyone who was scared off by your curiosity or active knowledge seeking anyway. Don’t settle for anyone who wants you to be less than you are, or even less than you could be.
Comment by Larry Lennhoff — January 17, 2008 @ 9:50 am
The BQE? How long were you on the BQE? 3 minutes? He took the tunnel, right?
But seriously, a lot of people confuse knowledge with intelligence. When you’re talking to a Yeshiva guy who probably doesn’t know anything outside of his Yeshiva’s daled amos, terms like “venn diagram” make you sound very smart. And, as we all know, guys don’t want smart girls.
You’re problem is that you seem to be the type of person who likes talking about this stuff, so you need a guy who is also interested. That’s going to be tough to find in the Yeshiva world, but those guys are out there.
Comment by Nephtuli — January 17, 2008 @ 9:58 am
It’s hard to find yeshiva guys interested/curious about these things.
Comment by Moshe — January 17, 2008 @ 10:13 am
I don’t think you need a guy that likes talking about this stuff. You just need one that doesn’t mind listening about it. My wife is very into science and this type of stuff and I couldn’t care less. But if she wants to talk about it, I don’t care to sit there listening at a minimum nodding my head while I sing 100 bottles of bear on the wall in my head.
Comment by rescue — January 17, 2008 @ 10:22 am
“I know I definitely scared a guy off by being smart.”
“I wouldn’t even call it smart. Just knowledgeable.”
“But hey, yeshiva guys don’t know anything.”
“I don’t expect better”
=======
It was most surely your smarts that scared him off…I mean, what else could it have possibly been??
Comment by G — January 17, 2008 @ 10:25 am
There are a lot of bright, well rounded boys. I wonder what you’ll say when you find one.
Comment by Dov — January 17, 2008 @ 10:31 am
Oh be quiet, G. You have an irritating habit of interpreting everything in the most negative fashion possible. I have brothers, and I’ve dated other people. Yeshiva guys, at least the ones from around here, don’t know stuff, and it’s not their fault – they’re encouraged to not learn anything that’s mildly secular in high school, and afterwards they have no reason to. This doesn’t bother me much. What bothers me is someone who thinks it’s “smart” to know many things or be interested in them.
Comment by Bad4 — January 17, 2008 @ 10:35 am
I’d date you!
Comment by Daaaamn — January 17, 2008 @ 10:43 am
It’s not just yeshiva guys who get scared off by “too-smart” girls; a good friend of mine who went to medical school had a horrible time dating because every guy she dated couldn’t handle the fact that his wife would have a higher degree than his own. (Thankfully, she finally found a guy whose ego could handle it, they’re happily married with three kids now.)
My opinion is–if he can’t handle your intelligence and curiosity, he’s not for you. (Not that I’m under the impression that you think otherwise.)
Comment by Scraps — January 17, 2008 @ 10:56 am
You don’t seem to be the type to become discouraged from your experiences, but in case you are a little, I hope you’ll continue to be yourself and bring up interesting topics on dates. I’m sure there’s a guy for you who’ll admire your curiosity and enthusiasm for learning (and will hopefully share in at least some of your interests).
Comment by ShifraT — January 17, 2008 @ 10:59 am
A female friend of mine in an MD/PhD program first introduced me to the idea of men being intimidated by intelligent women. I found it strange at first, having been raised in a family with a very empowered mother, but after considering the matter, I realized that she was right – more men than not want to feel superior to women. It’s sad.
Comment by jewandme — January 17, 2008 @ 11:07 am
Forgive me for not ascribing to the mindless sycophantism that normally pervades blog comments.
I call them as I see them.
Now, while I do not agree w/ your view or your confidence in why the date did not have desired results, let’s say you’re right, how about taking a look at the logic here:
You are fully aware going in that the guy is probably not all that well rounded due to his lack of exposure AND lack of interest AND lack of perceived value. So, with those as givens, you find fault with the person for holding it against someone for being “smart”?
–almost forgot…”You have an irritating habit of interpreting everything in the most negative fashion possible”. Moi?! You cut me deep, you cut me real deep just now.
Comment by G — January 17, 2008 @ 11:15 am
It works by association, too. My Mom has been asked if my brother wants a “super-academic brain” like his sister, seeing as she’s in grad school and all that.
But don’t worry, there are smart AND inquisitive guys out there. Most of them are trying to something with their gift of brains. Most of them are on the going-to-college track of life.
Comment by frumgirls — January 17, 2008 @ 11:19 am
G,
She didn’t blame the guy for rejecting her for being smart; she just lamented the fact that this is the situation she is in.
Bad4,
It isn’t just Yeshiva guys who think “knowledgeable” and “smart” are synonyms. People generally equate knowledge and vocabulary with intelligence. Since there is a correlation, people confuse correlation with causation.
Comment by Nephtuli — January 17, 2008 @ 11:24 am
Smart, funny, dabbles in sailing? What’s not to like?
Comment by Ben — January 17, 2008 @ 11:36 am
There was more to the date than that, G. Apologies for not typing up the transcripts. And while I obviously can’t say for certain, the facts point that way.
I was not at all aware that the guy was not well rounded or disinterested. In fact, he had a degree and a half. I didn’t find out until the date that it was some sort of “fake” degree like many girls get via various “programs” and that he wasn’t actually interested in the field of study.
Nor am I finding fault with him for being disinterested (I don’t think “holding against” is the right word – I doubt he felt resentful. You do interpret everything negatively!). I was merely observing that things went badly because I knew or was interested in too much – be it about his field or the highway. Whereas a few days ago my forever-learning brother sustained a 45 minute conversation with me, topics ranging from the halacha of greeting kings, Bush’s visit to Israel, the Secret Service, Air Force One, Boeing planes, new technology in airlines, Air France versus British Air, El Al, and IsraAir… He may not know about the BQE, but if he doesn’t know about the Brooklyn Bridge he’d still find it interesting.
Comment by Bad4 — January 17, 2008 @ 11:36 am
OK already — how DO ships sail against the wind?! (I remember wondering this at some point in the past… but my muses replenish themselves so quickly that by the time I’m in a position to research them, most have been forgotten)
Comment by Bas~Melech — January 17, 2008 @ 11:53 am
-”There was more to the date than that”
With all due respect…
“this is the first time I know I definitely scared a guy off by being smart.”/”things went badly because I knew or was interested in too much” , what exactly should this imply exactly other than your belief that the “smart” issue was the reason things did not progress?
–”What bothers me is someone who thinks it’s “smart” to know many things or be interested in them.”///”Nor am I finding fault with him for being disinterested”
Plese reconcile the above statements.
—Listen, I’m not saying it’s inconceivable that the guy was not interested in a young lady who seemed more curious than he felt she should be or that he felt intimidated (i mean come on, to read these comments one would have to think that everyone w/ a Y chromosome has massive self worth issues). However, until you hear difinitively that your assumption is correct it remains just that and leaves open other possibilities that may**gasp**leave the “fault” at the feet of someone else…or no one else.
—-”holding against” & “resentful” do not always go hand in hand, that is not the usage that was being employed.
—–bully for your brother, sounds like a swell guy.
Comment by G — January 17, 2008 @ 12:02 pm
G – don’t know why I’m letting you suck me into this, but here we go:
**”There was more to the date than that”
what exactly should this imply exactly other than your belief that the “smart” issue was the reason things did not progress?
- By this I meant I based my judgment on the cause for the failure on an assessment of the events of the entire date. And the upshot was that it was most likely this point.
**”What bothers me is someone who thinks it’s “smart” to know many things or be interested in them.”///”Nor am I finding fault with him for being disinterested”
Plese reconcile the above statements.
- Easily. The first statement is that I think a person can be smart without knowing or being interested, and that a person can know and be interested and be of a low IQ. I am bothered by the fact that someone would conclude, based on a person’s range of interests, that they are “smart”. I am also bothered by the fact that someone might conclude, based on a person’s restricted range of interests, that they are “stupid” or otherwise inferior beings.
The second statement actually referred to “disinterested in a second date”. And I certainly do not hold it against him or think it reflects poorly on him at all. Apologies for lack of clarity.
***Listen, I’m not saying it’s inconceivable that the guy was not interested in a young lady who seemed more curious than he felt she should be or that he felt intimidated (i mean come on, to read these comments one would have to think that everyone w/ a Y chromosome has massive self worth issues). However, until you hear difinitively that your assumption is correct it remains just that and leaves open other possibilities that may**gasp**leave the “fault” at the feet of someone else…or no one else.
- As I said above, I base my assessment upon the complete events of the date. Let me put it this way: when a guy makes a point of commenting on me being “smart” and does it after I turned out to know something incredibly mundane, and says it in such a way like it’s something he’s not entirely sure how to deal with…
I didn’t use the word “intimidated” either. I used the phrase “scare off” meaning, he saw something he didn’t like and left.
I further resent your use of the term “fault” as I think blame never came into the matter.
***”holding against” & “resentful” do not always go hand in hand, that is not the usage that was being employed.
- Use whatever words you choose. Neither of these fit in this context.
***bully for your brother, sounds like a swell guy.
- My point was about the brand of ignorance peculiar to yeshiva bochurim, and the fact that it need not preclude curiosity.
Comment by Bad4 — January 17, 2008 @ 1:15 pm
There is the old joke about the very bright but awkward looking boy who was looking to get married. He wanted only a super beautiful girl, no intelligence required. He reasoned that their children would be extraordinary. They were: they got his looks and his wife’s brains. Genetics works both ways. Guys need to rethink their position on bright women or heaven help their children.
b4s, come play trivial pursuit and knowledge bowl in our house–you’ll fit right in. Yes, even with the males. Take heart, there are boys, or at least one boy, out there who will find you and what you know fascinating. The rest don’t and shouldn’t matter. Their loss, not yours.
Comment by profk — January 17, 2008 @ 12:20 pm
Bas-Melech – You don’t sail against the wind so much as sail at as close an angle as you can be against the wind – known as “beating” against the general direction of the wind.
You do this by turning into the wind as closely and safely as the sail configuration will allow and after awhile of sailing at this angle, reversing tack (changing the angle of the sail against the wind) to compensate for the sideways movement that resulted fro mthe first tack. Depending on the size of the body of water and how crowded the waterway is, tacking might happen frequently or only occassionally.
Hope that explains it. (I may not LIKE to sail, but the knowledge has kinda rubbed off, and I do like Admiralty)
Comment by Ben — January 17, 2008 @ 12:24 pm
vessels sail against the wind by sailing in a zig zag fashion. The masts of ships can be turned, and part of the reason that the ship has such a long thin shape with a narrow front and a medium width back, is that this way the ship has great difficulty going in any other direction but forward, and this way when sailing against the wind, one first goes at an agle something like 45 degrees against it, and you turn your sails so that they catch some of the wind, and a little bit of the energy is imparted towards moving you, and thus you go forward. Then you turn and face the other way forty five degrees or so off angle, and again the wint in trying to push you sideways pushes you forwards a bit, and so on and so on.
Or am I wrong bad4?
Comment by yoni — January 17, 2008 @ 12:25 pm
BTW – Bas-Melech
to put sailing into a historical context. If a sailor from 2000 years ago saw a 3-master beat against the wind- he’d probably call it magic. If a British sailor from Nelson’s navy saw a modern masted yacht, he’d think it the work of the devil. It may look simple, but the speed and manuverability of a modern sailing vessel (let alone something like a Nimitz-class carrier) has a lot of technological history behind it.) And I’ll shut up now.
Comment by Ben — January 17, 2008 @ 12:29 pm
My sister went through this, too. It took a few years, but she found her man. Stay true to who you are, or you’ll regret it for a really long time.
Here’s a good explanation about sailing into the wind, here:
http://www.maztravel.com/maz/explain/sailing.html
Summary –
Sailing into the wind: The shape of the sail causes the air to flow over the front of the sail faster than the back, reducing the pressure, and “sucks” the boat forward.
Diagonal wind: The sail perceives the combined force of the diagonal wind, in addition to the wind generated by moving forward. The exact speed and direction of this apparent wind (wind perceived by the sail) is found by “vector addition.” By angling your sail with this apparent wind, you can go faster than the “real” wind.
Comment by Ari — January 17, 2008 @ 12:31 pm
Yoni – more or less correct, although you can shave the angle a lot closer than 45 degrees with a good vessel – but then that’s where the vector diagrams come in.
Comment by Ben — January 17, 2008 @ 12:32 pm
See B4S, three intelligent/curious guys right on your own blog! What’s taking so long?
Comment by Elitzur — January 17, 2008 @ 12:35 pm
The rest don’t and shouldn’t matter.
–Exactly correct
Their loss, not yours.
–**Sigh** Forget it, everyone keep on thinking that their way/outlook is the correct one and anything different is by definition lacking.
Comment by G — January 17, 2008 @ 1:04 pm
See B4S, three intelligent/curious guys right on your own blog! What’s taking so long?
It doesn’t seem like she’s dating the blogging type.
Comment by Nephtuli — January 17, 2008 @ 1:38 pm
I laughed, because the same thing happens to me. Just happened on the way out from my last final, too. You need to date someone like a lawyer, or a scientist. Or a voracious reader.
Comment by Simcha — January 17, 2008 @ 2:24 pm
29 –
how about a law student, bibliophile, handyman, redneck engineer?
Comment by Ben — January 17, 2008 @ 2:36 pm
no, because then she might be getting the same insecure package, just a little bit bigger one.
No, she needs someone who actualy values as smart woman.
Comment by Yoni — January 17, 2008 @ 2:37 pm
Interested in vectors are ya? See the last question of my math B regent (June 2007) it was some really complicated angle of a wind vector thing. I totally skipped it. But anyway there are some knowledgable and curious yeshiva guys out there so find your equal! (easier said than done ;P)
Comment by The girl whose blog is gone — January 17, 2008 @ 2:58 pm
First off, the notion that guys are intimidated by smart girls needs to be dispelled once and for all. In fact, intelligent guys ARE attracted to smart girls, as is plainly evident from the prominence of “Brains” on their “lists.” However, when it comes to smart, CAREER-oriented girls the picture changes vastly. A lot of guys find the career-oriented girl UNFEMININE and thus highly unattractive. You can look at it from a rabbinic or evolutionary point of view, the common denominator is that the career takes much of the focus of life away from the family and into the career. I might be hated for this, but I am only pointing out a NATURAL phenomenon. I once dated a very smart girl and everything was fine, but with one exception: I had the overwhelming feeling that I was at a business meeting. She was pursuing an MS/MBA.
On another note, Bad4, I think there is a typo in an earlier comment of yours. “What bothers me is someone who thinks it’s “smart” to know many things or be interested in them.” Yeshivah guys think it’s smart NOT to know many things as they see it all as “a bunch of shtusim.”
Comment by CG — January 17, 2008 @ 2:59 pm
I definitely agree with Simcha and Ben that Bad4 needs to give up on Yeshivah guys and start looking at engineers, bibliophiles, law students, scientists, etc. The guy who’s both “The Best Guy in Lakewood” and worldly is non-existent.
Comment by CG — January 17, 2008 @ 3:07 pm
The guy who’s both “The Best Guy in Lakewood” and worldly is non-existent.
Rare, few and far between, but they exist.
My point was about the brand of ignorance peculiar to yeshiva bochurim.
which isn’t just limited to vector diagrams. quoting a passuk in Navi can boggle lots of them.
Comment by Anon — January 17, 2008 @ 3:43 pm
Don’t despair. My brother is considered the top guy in Lakewood and not just cuz he’s my brother. He is also extremely curious and likes to know and understand everything. He is both worldly and very serious about his learning. B’h he found his bashert and I’yh so will you!
Comment by halfshared — January 17, 2008 @ 4:51 pm
you need to date more modern guys.
Comment by Anonymous — January 17, 2008 @ 5:41 pm
on second thought, why don’t you arrange a shidduch with halfshared’s brother?
Comment by Anonymous — January 17, 2008 @ 5:49 pm
I’m not sure what’s more interesting, the post or the comments…
Comment by Ezzie — January 17, 2008 @ 5:56 pm
is the (I think) britany spears reference intentional? (I think it was her, at any rate its pop culture.)
I still can’t get that song out of my head a decade and a half later from when I had to spend time in a gymnastics class as a little kid while the girl gymnast were across the gym playing music (that song in particular) to do their routines to.
Comment by Yoni — January 17, 2008 @ 6:55 pm
It’s just a reference, because as you point out, it’s a catchy tune and a catchy line and when I thought “oops” it’s what immediately followed. And “oops” is really the first thing that comes to mind about this date.
Hey, y’all: without intending to infringe on your freedom of speech, I brought the example of my brother to demonstrate that not all yeshiva guys are willfully ignorant. People from all backgrounds can be that way. It’s a personality thing, I suspect, and in this case, it didn’t work.
Comment by bad4shidduchim — January 17, 2008 @ 7:10 pm
no need to be defensive, its not like i’m a freudian trying to anylize you.
honest!
and also, I find most people are equaly ignorant. It just depends on the subject in question.
Comment by Yoni — January 17, 2008 @ 7:48 pm
I really hope my bashert is like you.
Comment by anonymous — January 17, 2008 @ 7:57 pm
Sure looks like he was out his league
Comment by Frank — January 17, 2008 @ 8:20 pm
I don’t understand why anyone would bother dating someone who isn’t curious and knowledgeable like you.
Comment by Elephant — January 17, 2008 @ 8:38 pm
if you hope your bashert is like her then ask her out! seriously, bad4 is always complaining that the shidduch system is flawed bc she gets set up with guys at random, with whom she has nothing in common. but here, you’ve gotten a sense of what she’s like and what her values are. even if she presents slightly differently in person than on her blog, I think its worth a shot. at least, in this case, you have some reason to think that dating might work out.
Comment by Anonymous — January 17, 2008 @ 8:41 pm
:-/ That’s one topic I don’t remember complaining about.
Comment by bad4shidduchim — January 17, 2008 @ 10:20 pm
Ok, bad4- as far as I counted you have had FOUR guys expres interest in this post alone. Let me gather them up ….:
Number 8: I’d date you!
Comment by Daaaamn — January 17, 2008 @ 10:43 am
Number 15: Smart, funny, dabbles in sailing? What’s not to like?
Comment by Ben — January 17, 2008 @ 11:36 am
Number 43: I really hope my bashert is like you.
Comment by anonymous — January 17, 2008 @ 7:57 pm
Number 45: I don’t understand why anyone would bother dating someone who isn’t curious and knowledgeable like you.
Comment by Elephant — January 17, 2008 @ 8:38 pm
Nu…. so let’s go… All you intelligent, well read, redneck bibliophile law student/sailor, non-intimidated guys out there, why don’t you send bad$ an email and ask her out??? PS- I know the kid. Better than her they don’t come! Go for it!!
(Ps- does anyone think that any of us who blog here are blogging for some oher purpose besides for expressing out opinions and having intellectual discussions witn intelligent, lucid, humorous, and MENTCHLICH people? The sinlge ones amongst us might just have an subconcious prompter that leads us to share about outselves…
)
Comment by Mindy — January 17, 2008 @ 10:36 pm
Sorry, Anon#38, HalfShared’s brother is engaged already. (as she said, “BH he found his beshert…”)
Guess you’ll have to SETTLE for the second best guy in Lakewood (who, strangely, doesn’t seem to exist) or something.
Comment by Bas~Melech — January 17, 2008 @ 10:45 pm
Mindy: Wanna be the shadchan? But in the spirit of full disclosure, although I can’t speak for anyone with certainty, you should know that you probably won’t find any “Best Guy in Lakewood” around here. It doesn’t pas to comment on a blog, certainly not a girl’s.
Comment by CG — January 17, 2008 @ 11:14 pm
Can’t I wasn’t ammused by this post.
Comment by Miss Teacher — January 17, 2008 @ 11:37 pm
I’m not sure that b4s is looking for the “best guy in Lakewood.” I think she is looking for an intellectually curious, well adjusted, yeshiva-trained, comfortable-in-his-skin mench who is happy, challenged and sincere in whatever he is doing, whether it be learning or something else…and is open to whatever his wife wants to do professionally and personally…place of current, previous and future residence not important.
Comment by Ari — January 17, 2008 @ 11:37 pm
I said I hope my bashert is like her but there is a system in place and it has to be followed. I’m not modern orthodox.
Comment by anonymous — January 18, 2008 @ 12:09 am
Smart guys aren’t intimidated by smart girls – they WANT smart girls. However, even many smart guys don’t want an MD and kal v’chomer an MD/PhD because of the massive time commitment that such a career involves. If you want a spouse you will ever see and who will see your kids, you don’t marry a doctor. (It works the other way too, but girls seem to care less about marrying guys who will never be home than vice versa.)
Comment by Anonymous — January 18, 2008 @ 1:25 am
anonymous #53 – I don’t get it, just because your not modern orthodox doesn’t mean that you can’t take control over your own destiny and chose whom you want to meet. You’re ultimately going to have to be the one who makes the final decision about picking a wife anyway. You just have no imagination.
Oh yeah, and newsflash- she’s not exactly modern orthodox either. You guys can research each other and everything. Give her your rabbi’s number and trade references. And stop being such a sissy!
Comment by Anonymous — January 18, 2008 @ 2:12 am
#55 I don’t even feel I’m ready to date, I would like to get my degree before I even consider a shidduch. It would be terribly irresponsible to have no parnassah. I’m just saying that I hope my bashert is like her, that is all.
And besides, I must pay for my part of the Chasunah because my parents can’t. It’s not my time yet.
Comment by anonymous — January 18, 2008 @ 2:29 am
me thinks the number of boys who find bad4 interesting number 5 not 4.
But I wouldn’t know a thing about that now would I?
Comment by Yoni — January 18, 2008 @ 7:49 am
WHEN you finally become a kallah I hope you invite us all to your L’Chaim or “Vort” I was to a “Vort” sunday night I heard lots of gabbig but not one WORD. Anyway just tell your reading pulbic where & when and give us the opportunity to wish you a flesh & blood mazel tov
Shabbat Shalom/Gut Shabbos/ A Gitten Shabbos
Comment by Frank — January 18, 2008 @ 8:00 am
#54,”If you want a spouse you will ever see and who will see your kids, you don’t marry a doctor.” Not true. my favorite shidduch is the one between a doctor and a rebbe. He balked for a while about going out, but 5 kids later… And she doesn’t work more hours a week then the secretary who answers the phone every day in the yeshiva, but she sure is better paid, not to mention the benefits. And it would hurt things just how if the father were the one to do homework with the kids, pick up the cleaning from the cleaners and put up the cholent?
(It works the other way too, but girls seem to care less about marrying guys who will never be home than vice versa.) They care all right, but the system is set up not to encourage that caring. Can just see someone going to a shadchan and saying “Oh yes, he cannot be studying for a profession that will require him to be away from home more than 25 hours a week, no required overtime, no busy seasons and no work to be done at home. And he needs to make neough so that we can afford tuition, a house, camp and everything else.”
Comment by profk — January 18, 2008 @ 8:58 am
Maybe you want to think about it not as “you were too smart, and therefore scared him away” but rather as “if your knowledge/intelligence didn’t please him, then he wouldn’t have ended up being someone you’d be happy spending Your life with, either”… It’s hard to remember- but you have standards and a choice to make here too.
Comment by debka_notion — January 18, 2008 @ 9:01 am
#55 I don’t even feel I’m ready to date, I would like to get my degree before I even consider a shidduch. It would be terribly irresponsible to have no parnassah.
OK clearly you’re not Chareidi either.
Comment by Nephtuli — January 18, 2008 @ 9:12 am
Dearest Yoni, if you’ve got a little left over, I’d love to try some of whatever you’ve been smoking!
Comment by Anonymous — January 18, 2008 @ 9:57 am
why would b4s agree to “date” 4 anon guys from her blog
wouldn’t that be a huge risk of outing her id
get them to IM first to see if it’s “shayich” (g-d i hate that word)
o and b4s maybe you got to dress like an librarian and they’ll get the point that you’re an intellectual
glasses, pony etc
Comment by LIMEY — January 18, 2008 @ 2:24 pm
why would b4s agree to “date” 4 anon guys from her blog
thats what I’m wondering.
Comment by Yoni — January 18, 2008 @ 2:43 pm
Best. thread. ever.
Just to make things even more interesting, B4S should go out on a date with an eligible bachelor, and they should both subsequently post an account of the date — one from his perspective, one from hers.
They can’t see the other’s narrative before it’s published. It would be interesting to see the exact same date from different perspectives.
A less risky, but equally entertaining, solution would be a post written entirely by B4S, with her imagining a previous dating experience from the guy’s perspective. Liberties may be taken for purposes of satire, of course.
Comment by Ari — January 18, 2008 @ 3:07 pm
As bad4 has yet to comment on this, it seems as though she’s none too happy about this idea…
And about the vorts, she doesn’t DO vorts- not for herself, and doesn’t go to others either. So forget about hat one.. Unless we throw her our very own surprise ice cream shop BadForShidduchim blog engagement party… To celebrate the one who has contributed so much to the shidduch world….
Comment by mindlepindle — January 20, 2008 @ 12:12 am
You really need to suck it up and go out with a YU guy.
Comment by Jeremy — January 20, 2008 @ 7:54 am
I was away for the weekend, Mindlepindle. Just got back and am catching up on the backlog. Not sure where the vorts came in – but I don’t do them in any way shape or form – but it might be interesting to imagine a date from the guy’s perspective.
Jeremy – I agreed to be set up with one eons ago, but I guess he wouldn’t suck it up and go out with a Touro girl.
Comment by bad4shidduchim — January 20, 2008 @ 4:10 pm
Hahaha…i just said this fact “Longest suspension bridge in its time.” on my last date! I feel for you bad4- its tough to find yeshiva guys who are well rounded, well read, worldly and have enough secular knowledge. Its also hard b/c im willing to like “settle” or get over almost anything else besides this but its still the hardest to come by…good luck !
Comment by jennthejewess — January 24, 2008 @ 1:38 pm
Heh – glad to oblige. Hope you didn’t scare him! Good luck to you too.
Comment by bad4shidduchim — January 24, 2008 @ 2:47 pm
Hey how can anyone not find wave harnessing technology exciting?
Comment by Hesh — January 27, 2008 @ 2:17 am
[...] Filed under: Marry Young, The System, dating fun — bad4shidduchim @ 9:19 am Apparently, talking about ships on a first date was one for the record books. I know for everyone who posted “what’s the big deal?” there [...]
Pingback by What’s the Point of a First Date? « Bad for Shidduchim — March 27, 2008 @ 9:20 am
Hi,
I’ve been enjoying reading on your blog these last few weeks since I found it.
I grew up in a more secular culture, so I don’t know the diference there might be with the men you are talking about –but my husband and I still have interesting conversations, so I’ll add my two cents:
To enjoy a relationship, if you like to talk about things in detail, and sometimes go on and on–you don’t want someone who is turned off or scared of your even being interested in obscure knowledge.
It doesn’t meant he has to share your interest in ships or whatever, but he should either enjoy this characteristic of your love of knowledge, or not mind it. Yes, if you have a problem of babbling when there is a silence in the conversation (I do, anyway) maybe it’s worth thinking about whether you can take a minute to think before barging on…at least on a first date…but on the other hand there are lots of men who will think this is sweet. Good luck!
Comment by FemaleJewishBlogger — March 28, 2008 @ 1:04 pm
[...] guy who had the same general goals and even some of the same hobbies as me. We forgot to ask how he handles education in women (and could anyone have answered that anyway?) and yeah, I don’t think he enjoyed the date much, [...]
Pingback by Down with the Pre-Date Research « Bad for Shidduchim — June 18, 2008 @ 9:15 am
Being that I’m not from NY…what’s the BQE? Feel free to write as long a response as you require…I think this is one of your more fascinating posts.
Comment by chanie — June 30, 2009 @ 12:07 pm
Wow, I didn’t realize I was comment #75…
Yoni, how’d you see five? Or did you count a super-long comment?
Comment by chanie — July 1, 2009 @ 10:57 pm