A person can’t seem to quit blogging about shidduchim without the whole world suddenly deciding to inundate her inbox with fodder for posts. I have some dead time now, so, reluctantly, I shall discourse on this WSJ cartoon because, well, it’s a good one. But really, I’m not “back.”
Once upon a time, maybe back in the good ol’ days or in someone’s imagination, or maybe just in restaurants that I don’t frequent (which is most), waiters actually waited on tables. You know, like hovered within shouting distance, refilled glasses and double checked that you had what you needed and brought stuff when you said you didn’t. If they did a good job they earned a larger tip, and if they didn’t, they didn’t. These days (or just in reality or just in the places I eat) waiters share tables and the tip is in the bill so Uncle Sam can tax it better, and you have to flag down a zooming waiter like a taxi on 5th Avenue.
I’m not objecting, just observing. I believe in capitalism and profit motive and service isn’t important enough to me to pay more for it. Nor my dates either.
But in a perfect world, waiters would receive in-service training about how to deal with daters.
Let’s face it: when your date isn’t going well, your waiter (or waitress) is the one who knows it best – sometimes better than your date. They usually know when they’re dealing with daters, and based on the timely sympathetic glances I’ve accumulated, they also know when the daters just aren’t clicking.
The first thing they should institute is a more variegated bread basket for dating couples. Hey, I understand you don’t want to invest in too many types of bread when people really just go for white or whole wheat, but those are people who know each other and are going out because they’ve established that they like each other’s company. Daters need something to pass the interminable time before the food arrives. Going “hey look! Pumpernickel swirl!” or “What are those weird bug-shaped seeds on that roll?” is better than “I’d better invent a few more siblings because it doesn’t look like the spaghetti in tomato sauce is ready yet.” Marginally, but still better.
Initially, I thought I’d say that foods frequently ordered by daters should be kept warmed on the side so the wait is minimal. You know what food I mean: no spaghetti, no sauce, no sesame seeds or spinach, no garlic, etc., etc… you can all complete the list for me. But the problem with dinner dates is that they’re quite short as it is, and bringing the food right away would just force the guy to prolong things in some other venue for the sake of appearances. Besides, what if they get along? As long as there’s something to keep the conversation going.
If things are going well, all the waiter need do is keep the water glasses filled and give the couple around 20 minutes after they finish before asking if they’d like dessert. If things aren’t, the waiter should drop by frequently to ask if they need everything, and offer to bring the bill as soon as they finish eating. Both daters will be eternally grateful.
…Rereading and counting on my fingers, I don’t think that was terribly demanding. There are probably other ways restaurants could max the comfort of their daters, but it would probably require a specialized facility. Like a restaurant just for daters. Daters’ Haven, or something. I’m sure there’s enough of a market to keep it afloat. Especially if it includes a blind to hide the sociologists studying the shy and elusive Orthodox Dater.
