Your Bovine Value

Somehow, Bina magazine came up in conversation at the Shobbos table.

“What’s Bina magazine?” asked my not-so-culturally grounded father.

“It’s the magazine that knows what you want,” answered my very culturally grounded sister. When that failed to elucidate, she explained, “At least, that’s what their ads say.”

“It’s a women’s magazine,” I explained.

“Like Mishpacha,” added my mother.

“Oh.” Said my father. Then, to my sister, “Well, do they?”

Her turn to look blank.

“Know what you want,” he clarified.

She shrugged. “I don’t know. The know-it-all line really turns me off. I’ve never read it.”

I hazarded an overview: “It’s like any women’s magazine. Everything you need to know to be a frum woman in New York. Recipes, home decorating, family care, human interest – “

“ – marrying off your daughter?”

“That too.”

“Well what magazine is complete without mention of shidduchim?” was my father’s sardonic analysis, meaning frum magazines, of course.
“Ahdunno, I can think of a few that do very nicely,” I said, not meaning frum magazines at all. All eyes turned to me. “National Geographic comes to mind.”

There was a flurry of protest; not the least compelling was the argument that National Geographic does deal in shidduchim, just not the orthodox variety, rather more often the sort that includes livestock trades.

Well, I confess, that made me wonder. I mean, wouldn’t you? “How many cows would you ask for me?” I asked eagerly. Granted, it’s a tad demeaning to imagine that any number of bovine specimens can equal oneself in value, but it’s a good thing to know. Well, maybe not good, but interesting.

“Apparently too many.” Now it was my mother’s turn to be sardonic.

“You think that’s the problem?” my father was all paternal concern. “Maybe we should lower the price.”

“I think so. Nothing else seems to work.”

Great. Bad4! Now at a new, reduced price, this week only! Come and get her while she lasts!

On second thought, though, I don’t think the cow-trading business would really work in a community as large as ours. Trading women for livestock works nicely in small villages where the choice is pretty small. There are a few pretty girls, a few able girls, some ugly ones… and each gets their own price. But open the market to hundreds of possibilities, and it would get as messy as the stock exchange on Monday morning. Plus, as we see in our community, people get pickier. How do you price a homely, highly educated, culinarily-challenged, wealthy girl, versus a pretty, moderately educated, gourmet, middle-income one, when there are also pretty, clever, but poor girls? And of course these summaries sound highly inadequate because there are so many more factors that we want today – sparkling personalities, mutual attraction, pleasant companions, similar interests, and so on. You can place a cow value on a dishwashing-dinner cooking-home cleaning-child bearing commodity, but a loyal companion, helpmeet, partner and support for life, BFF… isn’t that priceless?