Jekyll and Hyde

I was reading this post by FnF about being a different person at work and on a date. And my gut reaction was, “I sooo disagree.” Then I realized that my disagreement didn’t mean much, as I’m still single. And then I realized that her statement didn’t mean much either, because she’s also single. (But seriously, FnF – you were exaggerating, right?)

Now, don’t get me wrong. One wants to be more businesslike at work and more personable at play. But pretending to be a soft, silly, feminine thing when you’re not is bound to fail in one way or another. Either you’ll bore him, because he wants someone with a drop more spine; or you’ll fail, because you can’t hold the charade that long (my problem); or you’ll dump him, because you can’t envision spending your life with the kind of guy who wants a milksop hanging off his arm.

I have definitely tried both tacks. Indeed, I  start out by being mild and agreeable. This, I think, is generally advisable when you’re spending time with someone you don’t know very well (or at all). We have long ago established the disaster that can ensue when someone lets their personality unchecked liberty, without consideration for the opposite party. But even when I’m mild and agreeable, I’m not awfully feminine. My handbag doesn’t sit in the crook of my elbow, and I tend to walk at NYC sidewalk speed, which sometimes leave the OOT guys behind. But otherwise, I’m definitely more charming than I tend to be IRL.

But I’ve yet to go out with a perfect guy, and the best laid plans of mice and men go awry. (I date men.) And having that wonderful, Jewish attribute of mercy (is it also feminine?), I can’t bear to see a guy flounder.  So I’ll suggest a  restaurant that doesn’t have a line out the door, a museum that is actually open, an attraction that has its own parking lot, a good place to walk that isn’t littered with sunbathers, or whatever is necessary. And I’m afraid that once that ruthlessly efficient genie starts peeking out of its lamp, it is perishing difficult to squish it back in.

I mean, is there a feminine way to give a guy directions?

Hm. Probably. The GPS does it. I guess I can cultivate a husky, musical voice and practice making imperatives sound like suggestions. It must be something in the inflection. That way of saying, “Turn left” and lifting the tone at the end oh-so-slightly… Or would sounding like a GPS make me seem more mechanical and less “feminine”?

What on earth is “feminine” anyway? At least we can say that the “gentleman” is some sort of idealized archetype. But isn’t there some rule that feminine is as feminine does? Come on: we all know that femininity today is something quite different than in days of yore. Case in point: I’ve got this multi-function tool in my handbag. It’s a pliers, officially, but the guys at Gerber decided to make it more useful by sticking extra functional gewgaws into the handle. So in one handle they put the always versatile blade and screwdriver. But then they were stumped about what to put in the other handle. The committee sat down to ponder the question: what does the kind of person who carries a pair of pliers and a knife really need most in the course of a day?

The answer, of course, was a nail file.

But back to the problem of taking charge while trying to seem pliable and admiring and feminine…

(Why do I have this feeling that I’ve written about this already? Because I have… Femininity over here.)

And about sounding smart: so, yes. I’ve had trouble there. But there were many more times when the guy was gratified to have someone who not only understood what the heck he was talking about, but could also ask intelligent questions on the subject (!!). It should be noted that the sort who found smartness disconcerting were not generally the high-power yeshiva guys. They were usually the low-end of both yeshiva and college types. Keen minds appreciate keen minds. It’s only the humbugs who feel insecure.

I’ve got a friend who can go on for a solid half hour about the medical aspect of varicose veins. This does not – I must point out – detract from her femininity; she is among the more feminine people I know. She just happens to be obsessively inspired by the sort of medical details most of us would prefer not to think about. When she gets started about medical nomenclature for holes in the heart, I find it riveting. So does her husband. Not because we’re absorbing much, but because it’s fascinating to listen to someone who is really and truly enthusiastic about what she’s saying. And this will work for any person and any of their interests.  (The friend who walks around with a camera stocked with photos of epithelial tissue is also married. Just goes to show.) If someone likes you, they’ll be fascinated by the things you’re fascinated with. Or just fascinated by your fascination. Either way, it’s irrespective of the subject.

Now that point about agreeing with everything he says – hold fire. I think that deserves a post of its own.

A Good Laugh

Via The Curious Jew by way of SerandEz, the Miriam Webster Shidductionary, your guide to defining shidduch terms.

My favorites:

Bright: always had a lot of potential throughout high school, no achievement, just potential

Tall: (for a man) 5′7″

The Top Boy in [fill in the blank]: when the bachurim get together to form a human pyramid so they can hoist one guy high enough to reach the cake that the cook hid, he is the “top boy”

No Hat: tries to observe the Torah and all of its commandments without the aid of a Borsalino

Dresses well:
…
(3) businessman: The cost of his shoes and belt are equivalent.

Yeshivish: her family puts the Yated on the coffee table, keeps Hamodia in the kitchen

Middle-of-the-Road: her family puts Hamodia on the coffee table, keeps The Jewish Press in the kitchen

Breakup Reasons:

She doesn’t have time for a man in her life: She put a three-hour cap on our phone conversations.

We are looking for different things: He is looking for a young bride; she is looking for someone who was born in the same decade.

Signs the Date Isn’t Going Well:

7. She pops out her lens, swishes it in her mouth, and pops it back into her eye, pronouncing it “good as new.”

About the last one – of course you always turn away first! Happy dating, folks.

Should Men Read Austen?

Rereading the last post, I noticed a common thread. Most of the bad moves fell into the category of “not taking it like a man” or “not being a gentleman.” Sadly, modern men don’t have a Casanova role model to learn from. Really, the wonder is that we have dates who act like gentlemen, rather than the other way around. Maybe guys need to be exposed to more of the right kind of literature? I know and agree – Austen, Bronte, they’re all romantic chick lit. But if you’re out to get a chick, maybe it pays to find out what chicks like?

Lesson Learning

The nice thing about dating is that when it goes right, everyone is happy, and when it goes wrong, there’s always a lesson to be learned. Here are few lessons we can learn from…

…the guy who spat at a man wearing a “free Palestine” t-shirt in Times Square. When the man whirled around, the guy took off running in the opposite direction, where he found a cop and complained about being harassed. Obviously, this guy didn’t realize that politics is taboo on a first date. Or, for that matter, acting like a complete sniveling coward.

…the guy who will forever live on in his date’s mind as “Drunken Vomit Boy.” This is because he thought it was cute on the first date to tell about the time he went drinking with a coworker and woke up three hours later in the hospital with vomit on his shirt and bruises around his head. Granted, you’re supposed to be honest on a date. But there’s a difference between “honest” and “tell-all.” Note for guys: girls tend to be less than amused by tales of inebriated escapades, no matter how funny they seemed at the time.

…the guy who, well… Let’s try it this way: One friend was a bit put out when her date took her to a nice restaurant on their third date, and his parents just “happened” to be there already. “He could have passed it off as an accident if he knew how to act, but he didn’t,” she said. “But, you know, it would have been more considerate if he’d at least been a man and said he wanted to introduce me to his parents. Or even introduced me. Because he didn’t. So I just got the feeling that they wanted to look at me. Totally gross.” The moral is, don’t play games.

In the same vein, there was the girl who googled her guy’s name, only to find… his modeling webpage. It included his portfolio, complete with shots of him with his arms around the waists of pretty women. When she called and asked him about it, he flatly denied it. When she said she had the webpage open and the guy looked exactly like him and also shared his name (what a coincidence), he got sulky and lashed out, saying that “not everyone can live at home until they’re 25; some people need to do something called ‘getting a job.’” Though the obvious moral is “don’t act like an immature jerk,” I think she got lucky here. So if you are an immature jerk, do us a favor and make it obvious from the start.

…the guy who freaked his date out with his choice of conversation. It has always been the male way to attract a mate by showing off. What was formerly hunting skills and brute strength now manifests as wealth and knowledge. But still, not all knowledge is equal. For example, on a first date, while sitting and sipping drinks, the girl does not want the benefit of your encyclopedic knowledge of date rape techniques. It will make her clutch her drink more tightly, sip more slowly, and wonder why, oh why, do you know all this?

Also, while wealth is indeed attractive, obsession with it is not. For example, by telling  a gal who loves writing that bestselling authors should stop writing the better to live it up with their wealth. Nor should you then wax on about how in general you think that people with too much money should just stop working and live a profligate, hedonistic lifestyle, because after all, isn’t that the point? Just an aside: it isn’t the point. Writers generally enjoy writing, and don’t care as much about the money. Indeed, writing happens to be the one profession where you can have zero income and nobody thinks you’re a total failure or weirdo. In the broader view, many people work because they enjoy being productive. Money is not the only thing they think about.  Women comprise a huge proportion of the workforce who do things because they love it (this is why they tend to group in the services industries), so revealing to a woman that you think work is solely about money is not a winning strategy.

While we’re at it, not all women are impressed when you do 60 in a 30mph zone, or wonder aloud who on earth actually stops at stop signs, as you zip past at full throttle. Although all that stuff about treating women as delicate creatures who require extra courtesy is outdated, the stuff about pretending to be civilized and leaving the rough talk and behavior for after the ladies have retired to the drawing room does still hold. Of course, playing the courteous and manly character is always appreciated:

For example, the guy who showed up to a fourth date to find the young lady feeling ill.  “If we’re just gonna go to a lounge,” she suggested, “How about we stay right here instead?” So they sat on a couch in her basement and had diet cokes, and it was just the same as a lounge date would have been, except that he hadn’t eaten since breakfast and had been planning to take her to a restaurant, not a lounge. He didn’t tell her that until after the wedding, though. So you see, being a gentleman never hurts.

Those Good Old Days

So, ProfK posts describing the good ol’ days of shidduchim in which men and women just… met.

I’ve heard about those good ol’ days, but everyone in my immediate family back a generation or two was set up by shadchanim, and missed the good ol’ days. And they weren’t living in Europe. So, please do me a favor and interrogate your parents and grandparents and find out if they lived through those good ol’ days too?

Edit: As ProfK has pointed out, it is important to define what a shadchan is. I’m not going to define it; rather, please explain what you mean if you say that your parents met via a shadchan. I will too, below. Also requested that you clarify, from ProfK:

“Another thing, did your parents/grandparents report to the shadchan after every date?  Was the shadchan involved throughout until engagement and marriage resulted?  Yet another question: if, after a date set up by this “shadchan,” either party did not want to continue, who told the other party?  And perhaps a final question: Did either of your parents or both and either of your grandparents or both ever go out with someone that they had met through an informal occasion, such as the ones I described in my posting?”

Keepin’ It Spiritual

Shidduch dating is a lot like going for a walk in the jungle. You shower in DEET, don your cute safari shirt, take your trail map, have finally reached the point where you’re sure the vine isn’t really a snake and you know just which plants not to touch and which dark places not to stick your hand. You’re strolling along and then you happen to glance over your shoulder and see a tiger padding curiously along behind.

AAAAH!

I thought I had mastered all the questions – like why did my great grandparents come to the USA, why did I attend my seminary if I’m so smart, who’s my rav – no problem. Then a friend calls me up and says, “I’m trying to redt you to this guy and his mother wants to know what you do for spirituality.”

Like I was saying: AAAAH!

Don’t get me wrong. I understand where the mother is coming from. You have these girls coming back from seminary with ideas about lifestyles, Torah, and gashmius, and six months into earning their living by answering phones or wiping runny noses and they’re suddenly losing their idealism and thinking that maybe the support should go the other way around. It’s a concern, I hear it. So what if I’ve been out of seminary for four years now? Backsliding is a continuous process. You may indulge less as you progress from the idealistic age, but it’s always a backup activity for a rainy afternoon.

But… that’s kind of a personal question, unique to each individual, often complex, and certainly not the sort of thing one’s friend can explain over the phone. Isn’t that like a fourth date kind of question?

I agonized over how to answer that. “Um, ah…”

“Like, do you go to any shiurim on a regular basis?”

Oh, that kind of thing. Heavens, no. I’ve never been to a speech I haven’t slept through and felt guilty about afterwards. And there’s a limit to how much guilt a person can feel. I can’t blame it on perverseness; I even space out when my boss has been going on for too long. I hope he doesn’t see my eyes glaze over. Usually I catch myself before the head starts nodding. It’s like one of those learning style things – I don’t do audio. Audio books don’t work for me either.  I remember our high school psychology teacher saying that ADHD is when a kid has a low energy level and needs stimulation to keep from nodding off. Since the class doesn’t stimulate him, he stays awake by being active. Well, maybe I’ve stayed off ritalin by just letting things take their course. Zzzz… Wake me up when class is over.

We finally agreed that having a chavrusa counts as looking after one’s spirituality. Friend called the mother back, and I haven’t heard from either since. Time to find a maggid shiur?

I mention this to a friend who gave me one of those “And you’re an expert on dating?” looks I get whenever I reveal the gaping holes in my strategic knowledge of the game. “Of course. That’s why people go to Rabbi Reisman’s shiur,” she explained patiently. “It’s interesting, it’s at a convenient time in the week, and they can say they go to a shiur regularly.”

Silly me. And here I thought they went for the mussar or the Navi. Now that I think about it… I haven’t been there in a while, but maybe the women’s audience was predominantly young singles and older marrieds? Did the new-shaitel crowd bother to show up? Who knows – who cares.

I’d say I’m in the market for a shiur, but I’m really not. I think it’s aspiritual to be rude to speakers by ignoring them. But, let’s accept for a moment that wanting to know how a person tends to his/her spirituality is a good question – what behaviors might be considered good indicators?

Field Guide to Shadchanim

From the expert, Bas~Melech, who has tracked them in the wilderness for several years now. I don’t think it’s done her a lot of good, but now we get the benefit of her collected wisdom.

Here’s part 1.

There Is No Escape

In the spirit of “Everyone’s a Shadchan“, there’s this post on Frumgirls.

No Bodies, Please

From Frum n’ Flipping: she says she’s discriminated against because her father is deceased.

Now, that got me. I mean, how shallow can you get, right? What’s a missing parent here or there to disturb your marriage? In the grand scheme of things, is that a good reason to ditch a girl sight unseen? I would never do that…

…waitasec. OK, not sight unseen, but still. There was this guy… His father died at age 40 and his references differed on if it was diabetes or a heart attack. The guy was grossly overweight himself, and didn’t seem to have any intention of changing that. So he’s describing, over his coke, how his mother had it tough as a young widow, and I’m thinking, “I don’t want that to happen to me!” My marriage is gonna be long term. There’s no copping out by dying. So, to be disgustingly blunt, why on earth would I go and marry a fat guy with fat-related terminal illness in the family?

I wavered. I mean, I wasn’t sure if that was a legitimate reason to dump him. And it’s not really something you can broach on a date that easily.

“Um, so… in light of your father’s passing, have you considered a heart-healthy lifestyle?”

Or maybe, “I love exercising and eating whole grains, fruits, and vegetables. Don’t you?”

Actually, we might have covered that. He was thoroughly carnivorous and all his hobbies involved sitting.

Luckily, there were other reasons we didn’t hit it off.  But yeah, you could say I was disinclined to him because his father died. It probably wouldn’t have been a good reason to refuse him sight unseen (after all, that was part of the problem). But there may be other health-related reasons that freak people out so much they don’t see a point in a first date.

And if there’s no legitimate issue, then the guy is shallow, FnF. So why let it bother you? That’s one less wrong guy to go out with.

Bad for Men’s Brains

It has long been known that dating has a deleterious effect on men’s learning. This was thought to be due to the sheer distraction of it all.

But a recent study suggests that men are actually cognitively impaired after interacting with women – particularly charming and pretty ones and particularly when they are trying to impress.

So the first few months of shana rishona must make for a completely addled man. Thankfully, that ends, and the guy can get back to being mentally coherent. So that’s why they get married.

Quick Poll for Women: Etiquette

Should the guy open the car door for you before you get in?

Should he stay and close it behind you?

Should he walk you to your front door after the date?

We Love Bad Date Stories…

Whenever I hear a truly bizarre date story like this one from ProfK, I get jealous. Why do my bad dates have to be so boring?

Responsibilities on a Date

Harry-er’s comment that guys get all dressed up, the least a girl can do is put on make up got me wondering. What do you think is the responsibility of each party on a date? Please ID yourself as male or female when you comment.

I mean, I think it’s the responsibility of both to look neat, clean, and presentable. I didn’t dump a guy because he had a hole in the back of his coat for three dates running (I guess he can’t really see it if it’s back there, can he?), but it didn’t exactly help his case. And as for stains… well, nothing says it quite like the Tide commercial. Though of course it’s different if you happen to see the stain happen because he’s trying to eat spaghetti on a date. I’d give points for that stain. It takes a brave man to eat spaghetti and tomato sauce in a white shirt.
But… open question: must a guy in a jacket iron his shirt? Does a girl really need to put on makeup?

Both should try to be charming. Sadly, there often different opinions of what this consists of, and even the best attempt can fall flat if you’re dating someone with a very different opinion. But here’s this question: if you see it’s going to be a lemon, should you try to keep it going for a decent amount of time, or beat a retreat as soon as conceivably possible? I know I’ve been on dates where the guy seems to try to keep it going for a minimum time limit. He keeps surreptitiously looking at his watch, and then with a sigh of relief notices that three have gone by so we can go home now. Really – we don’t need to prolong the misery. Just finish eating and take me home, even if it’s only 45 minutes. At least I won’t have to explain to my parents why a terrible date lasted so long.

And I guess from what commenters say: while it’s important to be solicitous of the other person, it helps to be decisive. So if the guy gives you a choice, ladies, choose. And gentlemen – you can give them a choice, but don’t make them plan the date.

…And, well, actually… I can’t think of much more. Except maybe that you should warm people up slowly to the more exciting aspects of your personality. I’m talking skip the practical jokes on the first date, and if you have a very unique sense of humor, refrain from cracking your best jokes. This is not because you’re not funny or cute, but because the person doesn’t know what to expect. I mean, when the guy told me he didn’t have his wallet, I took mine out and offered to pay. Then when he says he’s got it after all, I’m left wondering – was I supposed to laugh? Or was it a test? Or what…? If I knew him better, I’d know if he’s the type for practical joking or for testing, but on date #2 I was just confused.

Humanitarian Hamas

Support for and from Hamas in the shidduch arena.

That’s So… Practical

Practicality and shidduchim just don’t mix. I don’t know why. You’d think pragmatism would be a highly prized virtue in someone who hopes to run a household, but for shidduchim we’re expected to throw it all to the wind.

It’s difficult to fathom how many times I, or someone I know, has been suggested a match where the girl has two more years of schooling on the east coast, and the guy has just started medical school on the west coast, if not England or Australia, and someone is trying to set them up. Um, what? Hello? Anyone home?

Ask the shadchan what (s)he is thinking, and the answer will be something like, “It’s just a date! Go out and see. If you get that far, you’ll work something out.” The only ways I can think of working something like that out is either to postpone the wedding for a few years, or for one of them to give up their careers for the other. Overall, not a bright set of ideas. They might as well wait a few years and then go out.

“But he might be taken by then!” the shadchan will protest. Well then it isn’t meant to be, is it? I mean, if he marries someone geographically suited to him, he’ll be far happier than if he is perpetually engaged to someone who is not.

And finals—ah, finals. I know I’ve been through this before, but seriously. Why are finals not a good excuse to take a hiatus from dating? Both require total concentration and can be very distracting, and trying to pull off both at the same time is a good way of ensuring that you do well at neither. But try telling the average shadchan “Can it wait until after finals?” There will be a brief pause on the other end of the phone line, then a laugh as she gets your oh-so-funny joke. She’ll make sure to tell the guy that you have a wild sense of humor. The alternative is that she quietly marks you down as not so serious about marriage, and never gets back to you again.

To many people there is only one excuse for not dating, and that is dating. So you don’t say “Not this week, it’s finals.” Instead, you say, “Can you hold it temporarily? I’m busy.” And they will understand from your significant inflection that you are entirely occupied with a very interesting young man. They’re almost right. Bernoulli is quite old, but he’s male, and he’s very distracting.

I recently attempted to employ a strategy I dubbed “geographic dating.” Simply put, if the guy lives halfway across the world, and in two weeks I will be traveling across the world in his direction, then wouldn’t it make sense to hold the first date for a couple of weeks?

Pause on the line. Then, from the shadchan, “So… can he call tonight?”

Out of curiosity, I ran the idea past the guy during the phone call. He thought I was weird. Oh well. I was just trying to save him a good 5 hours of driving. But gas and time are of no consideration when it comes to dating. (I suppose he just wanted to cross me off already.) Or maybe I am nuts, and it’s one of those things—like socializing, relaxing, or having fun—that you just shouldn’t be so efficient about.

The Modern Yenta

Video introduction to Shidduchim. Give it a peek. Whattaya think?

Producer’s disclaimer: This piece was produced to explain the shidduch system to people who know absolutely nothing about it. It wasn’t meant to go too in-depth.

My disclaimer: That’s not me with the mirror and mascara, even though it seems like it because of the voiceover. I would never put on mascara on camera. Truth is, I don’t even put it on off camera.

21 Reasons Not to Get Married

This one from ProfK: why stay single?
[pulls on hard hat and ducks under table]
[muffled]Carry on, folks.[/muffled]

21 Reasons

Challenge from NMF#7. Can we come up with 21 reasons to get married? 11 and 21 are already taken, so really the necessity is just for 19.

Reason #21 for Getting Married

Beautiful moments lose something when they aren’t shared.