Comments on: Should Men Read Austen?

By: Bz

Bz — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 13:40:48 +0000

So basically – guys should educate themselves bout what women like, then learn how to ACT like that (not actually be real, just market yourself exactly to what the “consumer” wants) and then we’ll have plenty of wonderful marriages??? And to top it off, lets use women’s romance books as a teacher?

How bout guys go and learn what real women look for in REAL men, not fictional glorifications of the perfect man.
How? Not sure… but this way seems quite unhealthy.

My Rabbi once said to me – marry someone who is a nice proper person.

By: Marry Your Match « Bad for Shidduchim

Marry Your Match « Bad for Shidduchim — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 12:45:41 +0000

[...] a reader asked, “Wouldn’t you be insulted if a guy said he was looking for an Elizabeth Bennet?” The answer, [...]

By: i

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 04:06:44 +0000

Ive read P and P and the most compelling character to me was the father. If girls were looking for someone with a nice albeit somewhat condescending attitude they would say that. When they say Im looking or waiting for a Darcy, implicit in that is the whole package, ie riches, status, Pemberly etc. Its not impossible to find someone with the qualities that you say are found in Darcy, but to say youre looking for Darcy, or for a man to say hes looking for a character in a book, betrays a lack of real life understanding. My problem is that no one can comare or live up to a fictional character and that is what many woman seem to try to have by expressing a wish for Darcy. You mention you wouldnt mind someone looking for an Elisabeth. What if he was looking for a Lady Chatterly (obviously not in regards to cheating though). Also from reading the post “Lesson Learning” anyone of those men could’ve been a Darcy except they screwed up. Maybe thats the lesson of P and P that men can learn from their mistakes.

By: inkstainedhands

inkstainedhands — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 03:42:29 +0000

israel — I think there is a difference between fictional characters and actual actors/actresses. When a girl says that she’s looking for Mr. Darcy, she is most likely talking about the personality of the character, and there is nothing wrong with that. He is only a part of literature, so chances are that it’s not about the looks. (Of course, there are those who are influenced by the way these characters are portrayed in films, but I still think there is a difference between talking about a character and talking about an actual person.) You do have a problem though if she says she’s looking for Colin Firth.

The same would go for guys. A guy can say he wants an Elizabeth Bennett. I don’t think I would mind hearing that. But what I certainly would not want to hear is that he wants a Keira Knightley or a Jessica Simpson.

There is just a difference between talking about fiction and talking about reality, and adoring a fictional character of the opposite gender is not the same as adoring an actual person.

By: israel

israel — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 03:29:32 +0000

in response: first i think (correct me if im wrong) but many peoples views on this are influenced by the bbc movie. Implicit in their liking of Darcy is that hes supposed to be handsome and rich. also is there any way in real life that someone who got humiliated by someone akin to what happens in P and P would then even give him a chance? Im sure if something like that happened it would be posted on this blog as how not to act. So it would be ok if the guy said hes looking for Elisabeth? And who knows maybe Jessica Simpson is also charming and golden hearted and shes just a little immodest on the outside.

By: bad4shidduchim

bad4shidduchim — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 03:15:54 +0000

israel – the women generally mean they are waiting for someone who may be a bit rough on the outside, but charming and golden-hearted inside. if a guy said he wanted someone like Jessica Simpson, should be believe he means a woman who is modest and demure, or are we forgiven for thinking it’s about her body?

By: israel

israel — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 01:10:28 +0000

Isnt it possible telling men to read Austen is like telling women to read porn? Obviously its not on the same level but chick lit, romance novels etc are sometimes called porn for women. It promotes something which in the vast majority of cases will not happen. Many woman say theyre looking/waiting for Darcy. Can you imagine if a guy said to his wife/gf that he was looking for-insert actress/character in book?

By: anonymous

anonymous — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 00:32:43 +0000

Well, I have come across (friends have as well) lots of guys who think they’re hot stuff, what with their “lists” and all and seem to have an attitude that they are doing a favor to the girl they are going out with because so many girls are desperately trying to go out with them–they could definitely take a leaf out of Mr. Darcy’s book.
And as somebody said above, the Brontes aren’t necessarily the books to read as a guide to dating and marriage (maybe The Tenant of Wildfell Hall–you learn the importance of checking somebody out). I love Charlotte Bronte’s writing, but I wouldn’t want to date or marry somebody like the characters in her books.

By: jb

jb — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 20:03:54 +0000

the parallels between austen’s shidduch crisis and ours is quite striking…

By: fakewoodnj

fakewoodnj — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 17:42:26 +0000

oh and the comment when it was said to me wastn a joke.

By: fakewoodnj

fakewoodnj — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 17:41:24 +0000

i think most people realized i was being sarcastic.

By: BSD36578

BSD36578 — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 17:05:35 +0000

Fakewood (and others), somehow a lot of posts on this blog have recently turned into bashing sessions of frum people or specific groups. I’m a long-time reader of this blog, and while Bad4 does a glorious and humorous job of highlighting the frustrations of the shidduch scene, I don’t think her intent was or is to ever make fun of Klal Yisroel o chelek me’hem. Let’s please try to have a little more ahavas Yisroel (even ahavas chinam) before we speak our minds. (Also, let’s remember that this blog is on the world wide web and open for everyone to see. There’s enough negativity out there, we don’t need to fuel the fire.)

And furthermore, the “manners” comment was clearly a joke at best or a terrible remark at worst. How could you take such a line that you surely realize is wrong and say that a whole group of people behave that way? Please. Trust me, I am aggravated by the shidduch scene too, but it’s a nisayon of galus, and I don’t think that making fun or accusing others is going to help us pass this nisayon or deserve the geulah.

With respect and humble pleading.