Freeda has taken up the challenge of the second Improv Everywhere musical. You can see the video and her lyrics on her blog, and if you’re curious about exactly how improv it was (not very) you can check out the IE blog for details.
Monthly Archives: October 2009
Question for the Peanut Gallery
Someone recently commented to me that the frum lifestyle is geared toward families. Single people are kind of left out of the structure. Do singles not feel alienated?
I puzzled this a bit. It’s true that Judaism is all about families. But what community connection does a married person have that I don’t? We can both go to shul, n’shei lectures, and so on. We can both participate in chesed and community activities. Okay, granted, I don’t. But that’s more to do with my personal choice than my marriage status.
Or does it?
NMF#7 recently wrote about a whole lot of community work she took on for this week. [edit: link fixed] Would anyone have asked her if she were single? Why or why not?
Really, single people, in theory, should have more time to contribute to the community. Why don’t we?
That was part 1. Part 2 is about avodas Hashem. I’m not sure I get this question. To quote: “How should [a single] view his/her avodas Hashem and contribution towards this world? [How should they] view their own strengths and weaknesses in their own contribution towards creating something out of their own lives?”
Does Judaism have room for singles? Or does our religion discriminate in favor of married people? I know in bais yaakov high school they kept telling us that our share in heaven is through a husband who’s learning, but I still don’t buy that. I can’t believe that God wouldn’t give women their own independent route to heaven. I mean, what if their husband is stupid or dies young or never materializes? Go to wherever, go directly to wherever, do not pass heaven, do not collect your spiritual reward? And by “wherever” I’m not avoiding use of “hell” because obviously she’s not going there (if it exists; not a discussion for now) - but I seriously don’t know where a good woman without a scholarly husband would wind up, according to this theory.
But what about the rest of it? Are we religiously left out? Is there anything we can’t do, shouldn’t do, are discouraged from doing because we’re single?
How do we contribute and make something from our lives?
That’s a vague question, but I don’t want vague answers. Yes I know there’s stuff we could do. But does anyone do it? If not, why not? If yes, why yes? And how?
Please limit the diatribes and try to stay concrete. I appreciate your input.
Yet Another Shidduch Musical Suggestion (5)
They just keep coming. This one is based on Newsies. I never saw that musical, and I have to say, I find the dancing a tad anachronistic, but that’s not important. This is supposed to represent the getupandgo and Iwannagetmarriedalready attitude that guys have.
SHLOIME:
Open the freezer and shidduch date
Don’t be afraid and don’t delay
Staying single can break us
The right girl can make us
Give ourselves away
Arise and shidduch date!
SHLOIME AND BOCHURIM:
Now is the time to shidduch date
(Now is the time to shidduch date)
Go to the Marriot and talk away
(Go to the Marriot and talk away)
SHLOIME:
Yichus and finance
If we’re united
SHLOIME AND BOCHURIM:
Let us shidduch date!
Guys in the freezer shidduch date
(Guys in the freezer shidduch date)
Go to the Marriot and talk away
(Go to the Marriot and talk away)
Proud and confident
We’ll get our desires
Let us shidduch date
Neighbor for cousin
Friend’s daughter for son
One for all and one for one!
Open the freezer and shidduch date
(Open the freezer and shidduch date)
Don’t be afraid and don’t delay
(don’t be afraid and don’t delay)
Staying single can break us
The right girl can make us
Give ourselves away
Neighbor for cousin
Friend’s daughter for son!
One for all and one for one!
Nice Jewish Guy Calendar
Okay, so you can only be grateful that none of them take off their shirt. As the compiler, Adam Cohen, says in a Haaretz interview: “We may not always [be] the best-looking guys, but we have jobs.”
What does it take to be cast as the quintessential nice Jewish guy for a calendar?
- non-threatening appearance
- you can tell you can trust him
- he’s not a stud but… he will be to someone
- he’s got a nice job
- he’s good to his parents
Most importantly, they’re all single.
Reviews of the calendar?
“These are the guys you can take home to mom,” – Denise Rabinowitz, NYC
Order your Nice Jewish Guy Calendar or your I Love Nice Jewish Guys t-shirt at the Nice Jewish Guys website.
[edit] …and just as a counterpoint, a link at the bottom of the Haaretz article is to another article about how there are “no good Jewish (wo)men”…
Hat tip for the article to NJG.
Exclusive Interview (Contains Photos)
There are not too many people who can successfully court a woman even when she’s unconscious. Probably none, which is why we had to go to a robot for expert dating advice. Here’s the word from the 28th-century Casanova on how to date to get the girl.
Or ‘bot.
Whatever.
(Note: interview translated from various electronic beeps, whistles, and gestures.)
Wall-E shows Eve Bubblewrap
Keep it interesting. Don’t let her get bored when she’s around you. Show her fun stuff like bubble wrap, eggbeaters, and light bulbs.
Wall-E does the dance from Hello Dolly
Don’t be afraid to let your fun side show. Go ahead: do a little dance with a hubcap boater. Chances are she’ll try to join in.
Wall-E holds umbrella over Eve
Be considerate at all times. The fair sex appreciates being well taken care of. Chivalry shouldn’t be dead, even if all carbon-based life is.
Wall-E takes Eve out in a "gondola"
There’s nothing like a date on the water. (Or on…liquid. A fluid, anyway. Whatever it is. The boat is the important part.) It’s very romantic.
Wall-E and Eve enjoy sunset
So are sunsets and beautiful natural phenomena. Share the beauty in your life.
Wall-E plays computer ping-pong with unresponsive Eve
Note: She probably will not be interested in video games and arcades as much as you are.
Wall-E gives Eve The Plant
Share her interests and help her pursue her objectives. Two beings with one goal are one.
Wall-E climbs up garbage chute to follow Eve
Be persistent. And call her by her name a lot. (Proper pronunciation not necessary.) All sentient beings have been shown to appreciate being addressed by name.
Eve carries injured Wall-E out of trash disposal
Being cute, sad-eyed, and vulnerable turns the mothering instincts on full gush. (Editor’s note: we do not recommend getting your motherboard fried, being crushed by heavy machinery, or otherwise injuring yourself for the sake of dating.)
May you all be zocheh to find your “Eve” in less than 700 years.
Just a Note for Those Who Love Life…
Whoever tries to coerce me into holding maypole umbrella while standing on a table at my wedding is going to find that they have to move very rapidly indeed to avoid having said umbrella stuck straight through them.
No offense, but it’s the dumbest piece of wedding shtick ever invented. I think very few people actually enjoy it. Why must we be at the mercy of the few feeble-minded who think it’s “cute”?
We already torture the bride enough, starting the whole business by making her run the gauntlet, an ancient and widespread form of punishment. Then we throw her around in the air on a chair that is in constant danger of being dropped, and occasionally is. We then force her to fail to jump a rope of napkins while wearing two-dozen crinoline petticoats. All while she’s dancing in those said petticoats after having her first meal in 18 hours.
Really, when you think about it, a wedding is a massive endurance feat. If you can survive your wedding, you’re just about ready for life.
Even More Shidduch Musical (4)
This one from Erachet, inspired by the Impromptu Anywhere Food Court Musical.
Girl 1: Awkward dates spoiling all my Thursday nights
I have to see them everywhere ’cause
I’m living in the Heights
Can I get a good date please?
When you set me up, I hope that he’s
Funny and tall and is courteous to all
Can I get a good date please?
Boy 1: Can I get a good date too, by chance?
Even though I might wear denim pants?
What a pain, it’s a shame, I will prob’ly go insane if I don’t get a good date–!
Girl 1: We both need good dates, that’s a fact.
Boy 1: That’s true! It’s good dates that we lack.
Girl 1 & Boy 1: We’re agreed, we’re in need, in our prayers we humbly plead
Can we get a good date please?!
Can I get a good date please?
I promise I’ll make him/her feel at ease
I’ll behave my best
I just simply cannot rest
Can I get a good date please?
Girl 2: I need a good date!
I’ve got a bad date in that chair
He’s really getting in my hair
Wish I could find the door, I can’t sit here anymore!
Oh, can I get a good date–?!
Guy Who’s Friends With Girls: I’m the friendly guy!
The one who sees girls and says hi!
But you always pass me by
I talk to girls, so it’s goodbye
And I just want to be the kind of guy who’s qualityyyy
All: Can we get a good date please?
Security Guard/Shadchan: What on earth is going on here?!
All: We need more good dates!
SG/S: I’m on it.
Send me some good dates up here, stat.
The lower lobby’s where I’m at
Listen up, girls and guys, I am authorized
To pair you with good dates!
All: Can we get a good, can we get a good, can we get a good date please…?
We promise we’ll make him/her feel at ease…
This girl over here needs assistance, that is clear…
Can she get a good date…
SG/S: Here’s a good date! (points to boy 1)
Please…?
Mazal Tov NMF #13
Who was lately married. (And “late” is meant in all possible ways. I arrived two hours after the chupa was scheduled and the bride and groom didn’t mosey in for another half hour at least.)
Anyway, I did check my placecard, but it wasn’t necessary. I knew exactly which table I belonged at. She might as well have dropped the “##” and just written “Bloggers” on it. It would have been simpler, and it would also have saved us the trouble of explaining our presence to mutual acquaintances who knew her from more legitimate venues.
You would have expected people to be sitting there with their Blackberries and iPhones liveblogging the thing, but I kid you not – not a single one of the bunch of so-called writers had so much as a pen, except SD, and that was purely by accident. (She doesn’t use pens.) I don’t know what Erachet‘s excuse was, but at least she got a meal into her that should last until she sells a piece. (Living from wedding to wedding is a classic “professional” writer means of getting sustenance. James Thurber did it for almost a year. And he’d bring leftovers home with him for breakfast, too.)
I gotta say, it’s a good thing the bride was wearing a big puffy veil because otherwise it would have been hard to spot her. Whatever happened to cupcake gowns so big the bride needs three feet of clearance? Don’t get me wrong, I think they’re unwieldy, but if you don’t take up much space on your own, how else are people supposed to find you?
Freeda gets BadforShidduchim club points for marching about the room in street clothes, and even accosting the bride in so mundane a habit. We shall have to discuss a meet so she can spend her points. Two Sundays from now, anyone?
NEF#14 injured me with her diamond ring. I just had to point that out. Those things are dangerous. They hurt. (No, not emotionally. Sheesh. If you can’t handle a ring on someone else’s finger you need to grow a skin.) They should be outlawed. Wait, noooo. Post on that coming up one day, actually. When I get around to writing it. The gemstone ring must stay. But can they do something to make them less hard and sharp?
THE MUSIC WAS TOO LOUD!!! And if you can hear me, you obviously weren’t at the wedding. Unless you are Bas~Melech, who came armed with earplugs and preserved her auditory senses. I know it’s usually a given that the music is too loud, and I don’t complain. But this was beyond. This was like a secret military weapon kind of loud. If this were a war, I’d run up the white flag and surrender to the band, no matter who the singer was.
Why is it that everyone is perfectly capable of recognizing a circle of camp friends or a circle of school friends and leaving them to dance alone with the bride, but you get a circle of bloggers in there and everyone thinks we’re just a random assortment of people and try to break in? Didn’t we exude a sinister internet miasma? Wasn’t it obvious that our fingertips meld naturally with a keyboard? Did we not look uniformly random? Do we really need URL necklaces to prove our illegitimacy?
As weddings go, it wasn’t the most funereal. There was a smattering of color around the room. Of course, record for most funereal goes to MF#9 (Shidduchville Correspondent) whose Monsey nuptials had a grand total of four non-black outfits at it.
Overall it was lovely. I still haven’t seen the groom. (I am willing to place a bet that he’s below 5’9″.) I wish the young couple all the best and may they live happily ever after, Amen.
PS: It’s now 1:16 in the am, and everyone who was formerly seated at the blogger table is now showing up in my chat pane. People, we need to get a life.
Too Late to Shower?
Okay, the title is misleading.
I bought NEF #12 (I think it’s 12) a wedding gift. Then I sat back and waited to be invited to her shower.
I don’t know how other people do it, but in my circles, one of the bride’s friends contacts the parentals and gets the invitation list. Then she calls everyone to collect a donation from them, invite them to the party, and shop for some gifts.
If the friend is squeamish about asking for money sometimes she’ll send a letter instead, which I think is an unnecessary expense, or an email, which is sensible enough.
I was pretty sure I was getting invited, so it seemed only a matter of time.
Well, I waited, and eventually the invitation arrived – the invitation to the wedding, I mean, not to any shower. Was I overlooked?
Naturally, I asked the bride. After all, every bride knows when her surprise shower is going to be. With a few minor exceptions. I can brag about having planned the party for two of those exceptions (if I may take a tangent to pat myself on the back). The trick was to make them plan the party themselves, under the misconception that it was for someone else.
In my best-ever surprise party, the NEF’s sister convinced her to throw a surprise party for me. See, the way we figured it, we both stink at planning parties, but the NEF is really awesome. So if she planned it, it would come out better. The NEF was eager enough, but got cold feet about planning entertainment for me. So, secretly, she told me that she was planning a surprise party for me and could I please help her out but not tell her sister that she told me? I agreed, and told her that anything she’d like at a party she should include in mine. She went ahead on that suggestion and I think she enjoyed the end result.
But this NEF #12 didn’t know anything about her shower. She suspected, she told me, that she wasn’t having one. “Why ever not?” I asked aghast. I think wedding showers are one of the perks of being engaged. They are totally Reason #24 for Getting Married.
“Because everyone else is already married and busy,” she explained.
That does not strike me as a very good excuse.
I contacted her mother and she didn’t either seem to know about a shower. So that was that.
First off, I’d like to inform everyone who has ever been on my Friend list past, present, or future, that I fully expect a wedding shower. Consult with my mother for a list of things I haven’t got yet. No teflon or plastic please, and I really would love a pet Roomba.
But now I have a problem. I don’t know how to give a wedding gift. Do people really give them at the wedding? Where do they put them? Or do you send them before or afterward? I can’t mail mine, though. My gift of a venus flytrap, thought undoubtedly a household necessity, is rather delicate. In fact, it’s so delicate that I’d better get it to the bride-to-be really soon, because I keep knocking it over, leaving it unwatered for a week while I go to Israel, and otherwise retarding its growth and development. My thumb is a shriveled grayish color. Hey, maybe I’ll be relieved of the trouble by the death of the gift.
Reason #2 (#11) for Getting Married
Somewhere, out in the wilds of The Big City, in a one-room studio apartment, curled up in bed feeling sick and feverish, is a lonely Young Lady who wants her mommy.
“This is why people have flatmates,” I suggested. “So they can serve you chicken soup.” Okay, maybe not. I’ve never actually heard of someone serving their roomie chicken soup. Or otherwise pampering them for being sick. (Then again, how would I?) Which may be why the YL replied, “Or get married.”
“Reason #11?” I asked.
“Reason #2,” she answered. I think the exigencies of her condition may have contributed to an artificial inflation there. But it’s definitely on the list.
The Long and the Short of It
“Will Bad4 go out with a guy who’s on the short side?” queried my aunt.
“We’ll need some other information before making a decision,” my mother replied.
Okay, so it sounds silly. But I feel like I get that question about once every three months. Will I go out with a short guy?
Seriously, people, I ask you: if I wasn’t willing to go out with short men, who would I be able to go out with?
All around me, single girls are getting engaged to midgets. It’s like they raided some albino pygmy tribe for men. I think all of my friends’ husbands would have to put on their hats and stand on tip-toes to touch the 5’8″ mark (which is still below the 5’9.2″ national average). When they still have baby faces, I often have to double check that I’m following the pointing finger to the right body. “Did she rob the cradle? He looks about… 13.”
One thing I still haven’t gotten used to about non-Jewish men is the necessity of tipping one’s head back in order to make eye contact while speaking. My latest “do while bored” project involves deriving the equation for figuring out how much space to keep between you and the other guy to prevent your chin from having to tilt more than 30 degrees. It’s basic trig – see what you remember from high school. Use this diagram if necessary. 
Anyway, the number of guys I’ve gone out with who could be described as “tall” (meaning, above the mean of 5’9″) is well within the counting ability of a toddler. (That would be two. They were 5’10″.)
I think it’s weird, quite frankly. Jews have such diversity of appearance, ranging from Eastern European to Arabian, yet almost uniformly, across the board, our men are short.
I have a classmate who informed me that if Jews wouldn’t hoard the smart gene by “marrying cousins” all the time, we would be far more impressive looking and have fewer “retards” among us. That’s her word choice, and upon elucidation, it turns out she’s referring to men who loiter outside yeshiva and “who look like there’s something wrong with them.” Anyway, I didn’t argue her point, though it seemed a tad illogical coming from a 4.0 student. I did briefly wonder if she had something there, though. Is height maybe an X chromosone thing? Like those genetic diseases that only affect men because, nebach, they’re burdened with a Y?
It is only men, right? Or is it hard to tell because of the heels? I’m slightly above the national 50th percentile in height, and now that I think about it, more than half my friends are shorter than me. But then again, when they lined us up by height for graduation, I was somewhere in middle, not in the back. Maybe I’m just attracted to short people? (Would that explain all the short dates?)
The other theory is that guys who go off to yeshiva when they’re 13 and don’t have a mother stuffing vegetables down their throat on a regular basis will wind up shorter. But a completely unscientific sampling of relatives, courtesy of my mother, demonstrated that this was not necessarily the case. Feel free to do your own.
Of course now I know I’m going to get a gazillion responses informing me about all the tall men out there who aren’t being redt to me. Okay fine – it’s heavenly vengeance for all those times I didn’t hold the havdalah candle high enough, despite my grandmother’s urging. Not interested in doing the Statue of Liberty imitation, I used to joke that I wanted to be able to glare down my nose at the guy.
Clearly, I am living to regret that line.
Shidduch Musical Submission (3)
This is actually a very old submission which I previously didn’t include because a few lines confused me. Also, I don’t really like the music from My Fair Lady. (Personal prejudice, but there you go.) But I figure if I’m going to let in the “I Gotta Feeling” song, which also needs tweaking, then this definitely deserves a spot. So please step over to SerandEz to view My Fair Shidduch, by G (who, it should be mentioned, was married off, though I don’t know if a shadchan was involved). The original song is over here (Youtube link).
Well after all, Pickerstein, I’m an ordinary man,
Who desires nothing more than an ordinary chance,
to live exactly as he likes, and do precisely what he wants…
An average man am I, of no eccentric whim,
Who likes to live his life, free of strife,
doing whatever he thinks is best, for him,
Well… just an ordinary man…
BUT, Let a Shadchan in your life and your serenity is through,
she’ll redecorate your home, from the cellar to the dome,
and then go on to the enthralling fun of overhauling you…
Let Shidduchim in your life, and you’re up against a wall,
plan a date and you will find,
that she has something else in mind,
and so rather than do either you do something else
that neither likes at all
You want to talk of work or school,
she only wants to talk hashkafah,
You go to eat or to a lounge,
and try not to transgress “Date Halachah”,
Let a Shadchan in your life and you invite eternal strife,
Let them buy their wedding bands for those anxious little hands…
I’d be equally as willing for a dentist to be drilling
than to ever let a Shadchan in my life,
I’m a very gentle man, even tempered and good natured
who you never hear complain,
Who has the milk of human kindness by the quart in every vein,
A patient man am I, down to my fingertips,
the sort who never could, ever would,
let an insulting remark escape his lips
Very gentle man…
But, Let a Shadchan in your life, and patience hasn’t got a chance,
she will beg you with advice, your reply will be concise,
and she will listen very nicely, and then go out
and do exactly what she wants!!!
You are a man of grace and polish,
who never spoke above a hush,
all at once you’re using language that would make a Rabbi blush,
Let Shidduchim in your life, and you’re plunging in a knife,
Let the others of my sex, tie the knot around their necks,
I prefer a new edition of the Spanish Inquisition
than to ever let Shidduchim in my life
I’m a quiet living man,
who prefers to spend the evening in the silence of his room,
who likes an atmosphere as restful as an undiscovered tomb,
A pensive man am I, of philosophical joys,
who likes to meditate, contemplate,
far for humanities mad inhuman noise,
Quiet living man….
But, let a Shadchan in your life, and your Sabbatical is through,
in a line that never stops come dates in black skirts and black tops,
who come to jabber and to chatter
and to tell her what the matter is with YOU!,
they’ll all have booming boisterous fathers,
who will ask why you’re not learning,
they’ll have a large wagnarian mother,
with a voice to set the dead a’turning,
Let a Shadchan in your life
Let a Shadchan in your life?
Let Shidduchim in your life?!…I shall never let Shidduchim in my life
Shidduch Musical Submission (2)
Well, the judges filtered out the truly horrific suggestions, and we’re left with a few songs for the shidduch musical.
The first is “I Gotta Feeling,” (warning: women singing) which aptly (if not verbosely) describes the high of hope you have when someone sounds perfect on paper and you’re not yet very jaded about paperly perfect matches.
Submission by JPS. I made some editorial changes in blue. (His original is over here.) The repetition of the main paragraph could be split between the guy, the girl, and her parents, while the chorus part could either go to the parents or to the friends of the couple. In other words, it has versatility and potential.
The Song:
I gotta feeling…
That tonight’s gonna be a good date
That tonight’s gonna be a good date
That tonight’s gonna be a good good date
I gotta feeling…
That tonight’s gonna be a good date
That tonight’s gonna be a good date
That tonight’s gonna be a good good date
I gotta feeling… (Woohoo)
That tonight’s gonna be a good date
That tonight’s gonna be a good date
That tonight’s gonna be a good good date
I gotta feeling… (Woohoo)
That tonight’s gonna be a good date
That tonight’s gonna be a good date
That tonight’s gonna be a good good date
Tonight’s the night
Go live it up
Go get your date
And spend it up
Go out and enjoy it
Like Oh My G-d
Jump off that sofa
And pick her up!
We know that you’ll have a ball
If you get down
And go out
And just lose it all
If you feel stressed out
Then just let it go
Because going out
Is like losing all control
Go out with her
Mazel tov
Admire her chain
Just take in it all
Lets hit this lounge
We’ll drink it down
Talk JIFS or FISH
And then we’ll do it again (another date)
Lets do it (x4)
And do it (2x)
Let’s date it up
And do it (3x)
Do it, do it
Lets do it(3x) (I think that means 12 dates)
Cause I gotta feeling… (WoooHooo)
That tonight’s gonna be a good date
That tonight’s gonna be a good date
That tonight’s gonna be a good good date
I gotta feeling… (WoooHooo)
That tonight’s gonna be a good date
That tonight’s gonna be a good date
That tonight’s gonna be a good good date
I gotta feeling
Tonight’s the night (HEY! )
Let’s chat it up (lets live it up)
I got her drink (I’m paid)
She’ll sip it up (Let‘s spend it up)
Go out and have some fun (some coffee)
Like Oh My G-d (Like Oh My G-d)
Jump out that chair (Come On!)
Lets kick it OFF
Fill up my cup (Drank) (I think it’s so good, we need a refill)
Mazel tov (La chaim) (hmm, whats in that cup again?)
Look at her talking (Talk it, Talk it)
Just take it… SLOW
Let‘s rock the lounge (or paint the town)
Go on the town (let’s go)
Let‘s talk and walk (Woooooo)
And then we’ll do it again
Lets do it (x4)
And do it (2x)
Let’s live it up
And do it (3x)
Do it, do it
Lets do it(3x)
Do it, do it, do it, do it
Here we come
Here we go
I got a date
Easy come
Easy go
Always, we never stop
Feel the shot
Dating shock
A shock that don’t stop
Round and round
Up and down
Around the clock
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday
Friday, Motzie Shabbos
Motzie Shabbos to Sunday
Get, get, get, get, get with her
You know what we say (say)
Date everyday (x2)
I gotta feeling (WooHooo)
That tonight’s gonna be a good date
That tonight’s gonna be a good date
That tonight’s gonna be a good good date
I gotta feeling (WooHooo)
That tonight’s gonna be a good date
That tonight’s gonna be a good date
That tonight’s gonna be a good good date
Woohoo
Shidduch Musical Submission (1)
The most recent mention of the shidduch musical garnered quite a bit of response, not to mention some submissions. First mention will go to the submission that actually followed the guidelines of the request, namely, for a song that could be sung by a bunch of girls in a lounge when their dates go out to daven ma’ariv.
It was written by Scraps, who has previously written a Shidduch Musical song, and you can read this one at her blog over here.
Marathon Date?
So, I’m advertising for a cheering partner for the NYC Marathon, since there will be Team Lifeline runners, and I know how important it is to see people screaming encouragingly at you around mile 11.
Advertising in my gmail status, I mean.
So up pops Ezzie and suggests I take a date along.
Riiight. So, aside from the fact that I don’t have any dates lined up for November 1st, do I seriously want to spend a date jumping up and down and shouting?
Then again, as he pointed out, it would make for a refreshing change. And there not being a megadose of Team Lifeliners in the race, we could chat amiably enough between runners.
I am leery of things that sound alright in theory. I remember writing that mini golf sounded like a great date in theory. Then I went on one and found that it’s kind of limited. So in theory there’s nothing wrong with standing on a frigid street corner alternating between waving and chatting. It beats sitting in a warm lounge alternating between sipping and chatting. Right?
We-ell… I’m not convinced.
Maybe it’s the bais yaakov education, but the idea of making excessive noise on a date doesn’t strike me right. Definitely not a first date… or a second. Maybe not even a third. Heck, if I wanted to bring a guy to the marathon on a date, I’ve have to start going out with him right now, and be still going out with him by the time November 1st comes around.
Considering my track record, this is an amazingly hypothetical line of thought.
Reason #9 for Getting Married
So you have someone to leap onto his white charger and defend you against the persiflage of near relatives.
I learned about this one when visiting an MF at her parents’ house. She married an aidel fellow who doesn’t, as a rule, look at women, so I tend to ignore him.
Anyway, us girls – meaning me, the MF, and her sister – were off in the kitchen doing serving stuff. The MF mentioned having been unable to do something unimportant, and I joked that it demonstrated her complete incompetence.
Back in the dining room, her sister baited me to repeat the comment, which I did, with friendly insouciance, though it was completely out of context. I didn’t think anyone would take it as a serious offense. But no sooner had I spoken that the MF’s hubby turns a piercing gaze on me and asked, “Now why would you say that?”
It would be nice to say that I comported myself with some manner of dignity or at least poise. But I had been utterly unprepared for this turn of events, which included abruptly learning that he had freaky blue eyes. You know the type? The paranormal blue-eyed gaze. Like looking at a laser. I’d never actually seen his eyes before, so that was another thing I hadn’t brace myself for. Good thing I was sitting.
I gabbled a quick apology and turned what I hoped was a freaky hazel glare at the MF’s sister, who looked appropriately contrite. Meanwhile, MF sat next to her man looking positively smug.
This incident popped to mind while parrying and retreating from a bit of familial verbal fencing. “Now if I only had one of those Husband(tm) things,” I thought to myself, as I found my back to the wall, “He could rescue me from this persecution and we could ride off into the sunset on his white stallion.”
Instead, I sulked into the kitchen to get dessert.
Wanted: One knight in shining armor. Must be good rider and fencer. Freaky blue eyes optional. White horse preferred.
You Know Your Parents are Old When…
They go on their own chol hamoed trip.
I mean, there are stages in life. You get married, and you go on trips like they’re dates. Very cute. Then you have little kids, and you take them places that are fun and educational. Then you have big kids, and they inform you where you’re taking them. Then you have teens, and they’re planning the trips, often leaving you behind. Then your kids are all out of the nest, and you get to sit at home sipping green tea and reading the Jewish Press Chol Hamoed Trip supplement, very happily enjoying not being at any of the places listed. And then when you’re really old you get nostalgic and bored and decide to go on a trip together. Like old times. Very cute.
[edited] So, with Good4 in seminary and Bad4 in college and all other siblings in their own homes, the parents flew the coop this chol hamoed. And when I came home from a thermodynamics test, tired and hungry, they were cheery and chirpy and eager to talk about their day. (A pleasant change from cranky kids, I suppose.) And the first thing they said was… [dum da dum dum dum...]
“We found a great place for an afternoon date!”
Yeah, I guess they’re not that old yet.
So here’s the details. Actually, it’s not an amazing place for a date due to the completely inconvenient hours. But you can work that out. They found it in the Hamodia chol hamoed trip supplement. They chose it because it was really close. It takes about 25 minutes driving through Brooklyn streets to get there.
It’s called the Wyckoff House, and it’s the oldest house in New York State. There’s a guided tour, so I’d recommend it for that third date, when you’ve run through all the superficial stuff, but don’t yet feel ready to get very personal. Aren’t all third dates horrible? Some say it’s the fourth.
Anyway, it’ll give you loads to talk about over coffee afterwards, because it started as a one-room house. (“No concept of privacy back then,” my father shakes his head. “It’s easier to heat,” the tour guide explained.) Another good way to gauge if your date is “high maintenance.” And it’s cheap – $5 for adults, $3 for students.
Anyway, that’s my Public Service Announcement for the holiday.
Reason #7 for Getting Married
It must be nice to have someone besides your parents who knows and understands you and loves you anyway.
Dating Games (& More Shidduch Musical)
It was an astoundingly crowded evening at the Brooklyn Marriott. I was the one facing the door, so I got to count the couples as they crossed the threshold. I’m afraid I wasn’t the most scintillating conversationalist – I kept interrupting with “Eight! Here’s the eighth couple. Oh, ah, what were you saying?”
When the ninth couple walked through, I remembered the tale of the guy who claimed to have collected a minyan at such a venue and suggested that my date could chap a ma’ariv when the tenth couple came.
“And what will you be doing while we’re davening?” he asked.
“Oh, we’ll hang out, talk, compare you guys behind your backs, maybe switch places if we think it would work better…”
He looked at me and I looked at him as the same thought occurred to both of us.
“We’ll all switch places!” I declared. “And see if you even know the difference when you come back.”
He loved the idea so much that I think if a tenth couple had arrived he would have collected a minyan. Sadly, we remained only nine in the lounge, and the plan was never executed. Disappointing, I know. I apologize, but there was nothing I could do about it. I did offer a brief prayer for a tenth man, but God must have been listening to the miserable-looking maidel in the opposite corner instead because that couple upped and left shortly after.
So why mention it? Well firstly, I’d like to encourage anyone who finds themselves in a similar position to give it a spin and let me know how it goes.
But the second and more important reason is that it fills a gap in the Shidduch Musical (scroll down right side bar for the current program). For two years now I’ve been grappling with the difficulty of the necessary Lounge Dance. Where does it come in? What is it about? And most importantly, how do we avoid mixed dancing?
Well the solution has arrived! So you see I got something out of that date aside from a drink and good conversation. In the Lounge Scene, all the men will troop out to Ma’ariv wearing bemused expressions, uncertain if they’re racking up Holiness Points for going to pray or losing Decency Points for abandoning their dates. As soon as they leave the girls shyly slide out of their chairs and congregate in the center. Soon enough they begin asking where they got that cute handbag, what number date everyone is up to, and naturally, comparing their dates. Eventually the sentences become rythmic and soon you have the whole pack of them moving in song and dance. It culminates with a lot of leaping about on couches and tap dancing on table tops when suddenly the men return. Room freezes. Pause. Mad scramble for seats – any seat. The men sit down and after an awkward pause one of each couple breaks the silence with, “So tell me about your siblings.”
(An aside here: don’t you love the way musicals handle the fact that everyone is acting amazingly unnatural during the musical part? Some just finish the song and everyone disperses like nothing happened. Others make it integral, like it’s totally normal for people to burst into song and dance at random moments of their lives. And some go a step further, bringing in third parties who eye the ensemble with astonishment and back away slowly. And suddenly you realize that, yeah, this should look weird, why doesn’t it? I should have been a film/theater major. Then I could have written a paper about it. Oh well. Where were we?)
Right – so that’s the scene. Now here’s an even harder part: the song. Do I see a raise of hands for song writers?
