I took a look at my recent posts and realized that it was awfully heavy and controversial. And then I looked at the lineup for this week and had to scratch my head in bafflement, because it was more of the same. Where did all this opinion come from? Goodness knows.
Is it like Stage Three of shidduch jadedness? First you are uncertain and timid and spend a lot of time worrying that you’re messing up and saying no to your bashert.
Then you get irritable and decide you really don’t want to marry any of these people.
And then you form opinions about why, and how things ought to be different, and basically turn into one of those critical types who spout their idea of How Things Ought To Be at the slightest provocation.
And then, if you don’t rapidly get rescued by marriage, you become a resigned old single who either retires bitterly to a monastery or throws him/herself into a profligate, abliguritive lifestyle in a singles community somewhere.
Well, I don’t want to be one of those critical types and I’d rather not advance to stage 4. Moreover, I don’t claim to hold the answer to all the world’s problems – or even the problems of shidduch dating.
So it’s time to take a break from kvetching and go back to the original purpose of this blog. Which is… hang on. I need to read my mission statement from two and a half years ago. And I have a sneaky suspicion that I’m already so way off base that there’s no finding my way back. I mean, I once insisted that I’d never lower the tone by putting in bad-date stories. Ooops.
Is there a Yom Kippur for blogging?
Anyway, I’ve scratched the week’s lineup, which leaves me in the short-order writer way, so things will probably be sparse this week. Then what with finals coming up, things will probably be sparse next week and the week after, and then since I’ll have not thought about this for three weeks, things will be sparse the week after too…
I personally like the kvetching- you do it so I don’t have to
Further, I like the “controversial” issues because they are interesting. I fear your mission statement of, “getting beyond the pressure. It’s about not caving in. It’s about enjoying the most free and exciting years of your life[]” may not be as interesting. BUT, done right, it can still be controversial…
Last, what does “abligurative” mean? The only possible definition I could find online is “excessive baking,” and I am right now without my large book-form dictionary.
Comment by lawschooldrunk — November 30, 2009 @ 11:33 am
I’m with lawschool, what is abligurative? First time I’ve seen the word, can’t find it anywhere, and it sure sounds nasty.
Comment by Prof K — November 30, 2009 @ 11:44 am
It’s not in my big dictionary (thanks Bad4!) either. Definition please?
Comment by nmf #7 — November 30, 2009 @ 12:35 pm
I’ve got this though: Abligurition – Spending an inconceivably large amount of money on food.
Comment by nmf #7 — November 30, 2009 @ 12:38 pm
I kinda derived it from “abliguration.” Abliguration is a weird word. I’ve seen it used. If you google it, many people will assure you of its meaning (something to do with spending too much on food). However, it’s not in the M-W or the American Heritage, and I haven’t got access to the OED. So I’m not sure it’s a real word. (I’m currently researching it.) But I figured I’d give it a fling just once. And if it’s not real, it doesn’t matter how I use it, right?
Comment by bad4shidduchim — November 30, 2009 @ 12:39 pm
ingradificasiously!
By the way, has anyone realized that the first commentators usually set the direction to where comments are headed? Just an experience I’ve sometimes seen.
Comment by lawschooldrunk — November 30, 2009 @ 2:11 pm
Yes we all just comment on the first commentators
Comment by eyysdam — November 30, 2009 @ 2:26 pm
all the fun is in the controversial issues! Don’t stop them! Its quite entertaining
Comment by eyysdam — November 30, 2009 @ 2:28 pm
Kudos for evaluating where the blog is going and being so honest. Halevai we should all be looking at ourselves and seeing if the path we’re on matches our own “personal mission statement!” and having the honesty and courage to subtley re-route if need be…
Comment by R — November 30, 2009 @ 2:50 pm
so what is your mission, never mind the statement? in other words why do you blog and what is your criteria?
Comment by harryer-than-them-all — November 30, 2009 @ 3:04 pm
b4s – Since you’ll be so busy with school perhaps you could post about whether or not going to school is good or bad 4 shidduchim? You know since it causes you to spend time on stuff like midterms and finals instead of getting a date…….
Comment by Leibel — November 30, 2009 @ 3:55 pm
Leibel, depends what you call “bad” for shidduchim. I am at the cusp of exams but forget that! Just pure law school limits my dating schedule. Is that bad? After all, I am severely limited with whom I can date. However, maybe it’s good because I am dating girls that want a professional husband and if I didn’t go to school, it would be less likely that I will have a future parnasah and the greater number of girls I’d date would not really be for me if they dated me because they don’t want a professional husband.
Moreover, attending a law school outside of convenient driving distances makes it quite difficult to date.
It’s a long term v. short term debate…
Comment by lawschooldrunk — November 30, 2009 @ 4:15 pm
First off – the controversial stuff isn’t being deleted, it’s just being diluted. I know a lot of people enjoy sinking their teeth into a good debate and typing long-winded arguments while shaking their head at how profoundly stupid everyone else is.
What’s my mission? I think at the peak it was to take a light approach to dating to make it less depressing. That’s a stride that’s gonna be hard to get back into.
Regarding school (college, I guess): on the one hand, it’s bad, because I spend more time studying than thinking about dating. On the other hand, it was a conscious decision I made because I figured I’d have a tough time dating, and at the very least, if I wind up an old maid, I want to spend my time doing something I enjoy, instead of paper pushing and hating being single. It’s a cost-benefit analysis. Also, like lawschool said, it’s a statement about who you are and censors your dates better than your own mother could.
Comment by bad4shidduchim — November 30, 2009 @ 4:48 pm
Your school/studies are “a statement about who you are and censors your dates.”
Wow!
Is your school/studies/carrier really who you are? Last time I checked, a profession, and the studies that go towards it, are a means to an end. The end being supporting and raising a family.
I know that I’m blowing your statement a bit out of proportion , but it’s a true insight of what happens when you stay single for too long and get too involved in school. The means becomes an end in itself. When you admit that your profession defines who you are for dating purposes, you’re starting to miss the boat.
BTW, according to your statement, should a someone be looking for a speech therapist type girl? a CPA type? what about a nurse type?
Don’t lose sight of who you really are and what the end game is.
Comment by Sheva Yipol — November 30, 2009 @ 5:07 pm
no offense to anyone but apparently you have time on your hands if you are so busy blogging and commenting on blogs every ten minutes. bottom line if you want to make time for dating you will/can. Nothing happens if you ditch a night of school here and there. Homework can wait. Especially for guys…just go out on a short date. Really the “im in school so i cant date” line is a cover up ….very understandable but its still a coverup
Comment by schoolgirl — November 30, 2009 @ 5:12 pm
I’ll risk being e-yelled at and agree with schoolgirl. I often have to travel to go on dates and make time for that as well as school + other activities. When I’m in a relationship I make time for it. The problem is getting into a relationship (yes I know, get off the computer already and start looking for a nice frum girl already!!!!)
Comment by Leibel — November 30, 2009 @ 6:13 pm
Sheva – I didn’t say my studies was who I was. I said they censored my options. Meaning, when people hear what I’m studying they either say “Hey I know someone that type” or “Never mind, I don’t think it’s a match.” Which is fine with me. And yes, I chose this profession specifically because it makes it easier to support a family, not because it defines me, although I subsequently found it an amazingly good fit.
schoolgirl – it takes me about 45 minutes over three days to write and edit a post. And most of the writing happens in my head on the train. That’s about how long it takes to prepare for a date, let alone go on one, and I can’t do that on the train. As for commenting – I just log in automatically when I log in to my email. It takes a minute to read the comments and two to answer.
Anyway, I do have time to date, and I go on dates. Except during finals. What I don’t do is chase shadchanim around and wait upon their leisure to beg for a date. I excuse myself by claiming busyness with schoolwork. We’ll see if I take it up after graduation.
Comment by bad4shidduchim — November 30, 2009 @ 6:46 pm
Abliguration isn’t in the Shorter OED (complete in 2 volumes).
Comment by sts — November 30, 2009 @ 8:40 pm
Bad4, there is no need to analyze what your mission statement was and where this blog has gone. This blog is great the way it is – it validates everything ppl in shidduchim feel without being one of those kvetchy “why am I still single” types of blogs.
Keep up the great work!
Comment by chan — November 30, 2009 @ 9:10 pm
ok i hear that so schooling is an excuse than….not badmouthing blogging…just sayin that generally ( i have never tried law school) even if you are busy in school you can still make time for dates. no such thing as not being able to take out five hours a week.
it really takes you forty five minutes to prep? ive narrowed my routine to about twenty five minutes half hour tops…pretty good no? and its hard for me too i mean many times dating for me = hoppin on a airplane off to ny for a few days
Comment by schoolgirl — November 30, 2009 @ 9:17 pm
The bad date stories are the main reason I read this blog!
Comment by AF — November 30, 2009 @ 11:10 pm
schoolgirl – okay, I lied. I take about 15 minutes, if you don’t count the morning post-shower hair routine. But the point remains.
AF – I know. I like them too. And scarily, I can’t remember why I objected to them in the first place.
Comment by bad4shidduchim — December 1, 2009 @ 9:46 am
It’s not that someones choice of what to study/career defines them, rather that people pick things in the first place that suit them, so you can infer some things about a person based on what they learn/work and that narrows down who will want to date them. And school and jobs aren’t just a mean to an end. If that were true everyone would only go into really high paying fields and we would have no teachers or scientists, or other important professions that don’t pay a lot but that most people in them are doing it because they love it and actually enjoy most of their time at work. It seems to me if you are doing a job you hate just to pay the bills, you picked the wrong thing to study in school. The fact that jobs also pay and therefor also help support your other important job, that of supporting a family, is a great bonus. And in case you think I’m saying this as a defense mechanism, I am married, and I love being with my family and I also love my job.
Comment by G — December 1, 2009 @ 9:53 am