Web Dating

At my ancient age, and with all the new dating websites cropping up and changing their names and all that, I decided to give one of them a try. So I logged on, wrote myself up an elaborate profile, and went to trawl the potentials.

It got depressing almost immediately.

Most of the guys didn’t bother uploading a photograph. Most did not put much effort into writing themselves a decent introduction.  “Hi, I’m a nice sweet guy with lots of friends. I like to hang out, grow, and have a good time.” If that’s not an exact quote of anyone, it’s certainly an acceptable paraphrase of almost anyone.

And those were the better ones. Some of the writing made me wonder if marriage is just a form of long-term charity. “i have an amazing carer,” read one. “Do you think me means career?” I wondered. But with that spelling, I decided it was more likely he had a case manager, or someone paid to care about him.

“looking for a slim nice pretty girl to fulfill my spiritual needs”

– [sic] – enough said.

“I am a reasonably intelligent half-decent guy… That’s it, that’s all I got.”

I choked up when I finished that one.

“Doesn’t this make you want to cry?” I asked, passing my laptop to a friend.

“Ohmigosh, that’s sooo sad,” she agreed.

“I kind of want to message him that I’m sure he’s worth more than that, and try to help him make a better presentation,” I said. “But I wouldn’t want to give him the wrong idea.”

Apparently this motherly sentiment is fairly common among women skimming profiles. Another friend, and long-time user of online Jewish dating websites, says that she is often tempted to embark on a career as a Profile Mommy—wiping off the smudges and dabbing at runny noses, so to speak. But she also hesitates to get involved with anyone lame enough to require her solicitude.

Then there are the pickup emails. I opted for the “direct mail, no shadchan” option because I thought I could handle it, but… I understand that messaging someone you’ve never met is awkward. But honestly!

The first email I got went like this:

Hi there.

That’s it. That’s all he got. Not a whole lot for a girl to work with. The next few were not an improvement. Not one bothered to capitalize a single letter. Some thought punctuation was optional too.

Then came the kicker. I got an email from a guy who had not only filled out his profile, but he’d also included a picture! Whoa! Overwhelmed here. Except for one problem: his picture. No offense, Jewish guys, but he didn’t look Jewish.

So I dragged his photo into a Google Image Search and lo! Turns out Matt Damon has converted and moved to Lakewood, where he’s learning under the name of Tzviki.

I replied:

Dear Matt,

While I’m flattered by your attention, I’m really more of a Ryan Gosling girl. If you meet him in morning seder, can you tell him that I’m waiting for his email? Thank you.

Sincerely,

Bad4

Then, feeling a bit self-conscious, I added:

PS: My other profile picture is Heidi Klum.

Not sure this online dating thing is working for me.

24 thoughts on “Web Dating

  1. But didn’t that last dating site guarantee an end to the shidduch crisis? And can’t you believe everything you read on the internet?!

    Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Clause – and he’s on SYAS.

  2. If I may speak for Bad4, ‘no offense’ probably means that there are plenty of Jews who don’t ‘look Jewish,’ and to assume that there’s something wrong with someone who doesn’t share the stereotypical (Ashkenazi) look could, in fact, be offensive.

    I don’t think that Bad4 meant it that way, though.

  3. On the bright side, that’s one way to generate conversation! You’ve posted before about how stilted conversation is on dates….

  4. Best post ever! Recently took down my profile from an online dating site and so not missing the suggestions that used to come my way which were interesting to say the least. (And I also wanted to email back correcting the spelling and grammar mistakes in the blurbs!)

  5. “i have an amazing carer,” read one. “Do you think me means career?”

    So I assume your typo above was deliberate and ironic?

  6. :-D Touche!
    No, that was accidental and careless. But this is a post on a (mostly) anonymous blog. It’s not the face I’m presenting to people I want to consider me as a future spouse.

  7. “I am a reasonably intelligent half-decent guy… That’s it, that’s all I got.”

    Personally I think that is a GREAT introduction.

    In this day-and-age being intelligent and a decent person are great qualities. And the fact that he writes “reasonably” and “half” makes it sound more humble as opposed to the guy who puts down in his profile that he has an IQ of whatever and a degree from wherever.

  8. I love Matt Damon! TOTALLY confused as to why you turned him down. I wouldn’t, and I’m married!

    Although I did snort some coffee out of my nose from “Hi there” guy. He might be a contender as well.

  9. @D : the guy obviously didn’t look like Matt Damon, just stole his picture. And I think you probly have to work on your relationship with your husband if you feel that way.

  10. Frumgeek – the amazing part was that in his response, he claimed it was really him, he just happened to look like Damon. I replied that he should probably sue all the paparazzi sites using his photo. To which he replied that it wasn’t the same photo, he’d reproduced the Damon picture for kicks. I congratulated him on even getting the lights in the background correct. No response after that.

  11. i drew the line at creeps who were closer to my parents’ age than to mine. but the easy thing about online dating was that it generally led to long, late-night IM conversations which made it obvious no date was necessary instead of to actual dates.

  12. Lol, that Matt Damon guy is HYSTERICAL. Listen, Matt Damon’s a pretty handsome guy and made my favorite movies, so at least the guy had good taste. He could have chosen someone like Johnny Depp eugh.

    Just an aside, I was on Frumster for one month, and someone on there suggested I go out with his friend, who turned out to be my husband! Then again, this someone “happened” to be someone who knew me and my family AND another friend suggested my husband at the same time.

  13. @Miriam D. syas isnt all it’s made out to be either; I provided very specific outlines, such as no one outside Israel, and got a slew and bevy of people…. outside Israel! who might, maybe, be thinking of aliya, or even some that listed ‘not planning on making aliya’. Ah, say what? So a lot depends on who the shadchan/it is.

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