Does it count if it’s from someone married? Oh heck, why not. I will file it with our former shidduch musical fare.
Jughead’s Hat submits a tune.
Category Archives: Shidduch Musical
Shidduch Musical Submission
This one came via email by an anonymous writer, and I have to squish it in before sefira. It’s based on the song “Bad Day” that’s covered on the Maccabeats CD (says the sender). Since they don’t have a full track available, here’s the Alvin and the Chipmunks version. IMHO the Maccabeats sound better, but the chipmunks are far, far cuter. And, I prefer these lyrics since I never really got the originals.
Here’s the rewrite:
Bad Date
Where is your skirt when you need it the most?
Your shirt was just there, but now it seems lost
They tell you that this might be “the one”
And maybe you’ll even have some fun
Oh, how much longer will this go on?
You sit in a lounge where the chairs are too low
You’re faking a smile but you really wanna go
Your compatibility’s way off line
You look at your watch to check the time
How much longer will this go on?
Because you had a bad date
Another one down
Right when you got there you wanted to turn around
You wanna say no
You’re told to just try
You put on a smile and go out another time
You had a bad date
The shadchans don’t lie
They want an answer fast so just make up your mind
You had a bad date
You had a bad date
You really need to take a break
Your parents don’t listen to what you say
How much longer will this go on?
(chorus)
( ooooh, a break)
Sometimes your dating goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
But the next one really might be “the one”
You gotta hang in there, be strong
It won’t be long
(yeah…)
So where is that top when you need it the most?
Oh there it is
You put yourself together and you’re ready to go
Cause you had a bad date
Another one down
Right when you got there you wanted to turn around
You wanna say no
You’re told to just try
You put on a smile and go out another time
You had a bad date
You know what you don’t like
But why don’t you try just one more time
You had a bad date
You had a bad date
Dating Games (& More Shidduch Musical)
It was an astoundingly crowded evening at the Brooklyn Marriott. I was the one facing the door, so I got to count the couples as they crossed the threshold. I’m afraid I wasn’t the most scintillating conversationalist – I kept interrupting with “Eight! Here’s the eighth couple. Oh, ah, what were you saying?”
When the ninth couple walked through, I remembered the tale of the guy who claimed to have collected a minyan at such a venue and suggested that my date could chap a ma’ariv when the tenth couple came.
“And what will you be doing while we’re davening?” he asked.
“Oh, we’ll hang out, talk, compare you guys behind your backs, maybe switch places if we think it would work better…”
He looked at me and I looked at him as the same thought occurred to both of us.
“We’ll all switch places!” I declared. “And see if you even know the difference when you come back.”
He loved the idea so much that I think if a tenth couple had arrived he would have collected a minyan. Sadly, we remained only nine in the lounge, and the plan was never executed. Disappointing, I know. I apologize, but there was nothing I could do about it. I did offer a brief prayer for a tenth man, but God must have been listening to the miserable-looking maidel in the opposite corner instead because that couple upped and left shortly after.
So why mention it? Well firstly, I’d like to encourage anyone who finds themselves in a similar position to give it a spin and let me know how it goes.
But the second and more important reason is that it fills a gap in the Shidduch Musical (scroll down right side bar for the current program). For two years now I’ve been grappling with the difficulty of the necessary Lounge Dance. Where does it come in? What is it about? And most importantly, how do we avoid mixed dancing?
Well the solution has arrived! So you see I got something out of that date aside from a drink and good conversation. In the Lounge Scene, all the men will troop out to Ma’ariv wearing bemused expressions, uncertain if they’re racking up Holiness Points for going to pray or losing Decency Points for abandoning their dates. As soon as they leave the girls shyly slide out of their chairs and congregate in the center. Soon enough they begin asking where they got that cute handbag, what number date everyone is up to, and naturally, comparing their dates. Eventually the sentences become rythmic and soon you have the whole pack of them moving in song and dance. It culminates with a lot of leaping about on couches and tap dancing on table tops when suddenly the men return. Room freezes. Pause. Mad scramble for seats – any seat. The men sit down and after an awkward pause one of each couple breaks the silence with, “So tell me about your siblings.”
(An aside here: don’t you love the way musicals handle the fact that everyone is acting amazingly unnatural during the musical part? Some just finish the song and everyone disperses like nothing happened. Others make it integral, like it’s totally normal for people to burst into song and dance at random moments of their lives. And some go a step further, bringing in third parties who eye the ensemble with astonishment and back away slowly. And suddenly you realize that, yeah, this should look weird, why doesn’t it? I should have been a film/theater major. Then I could have written a paper about it. Oh well. Where were we?)
Right – so that’s the scene. Now here’s an even harder part: the song. Do I see a raise of hands for song writers?
Where Have All the Bochurim Gone?
Ever wondered where your type of guy is hiding?
You’re not alone. One Humble Jewish Opinion sings about it here…
And since her blog doesn’t let you link to individual posts, it’s also here.
More Song and Dance
G’s been hard at work again. Does anyone else see the irony in using a song about the horrors of marriage to describe the horrors of a shadchan?
Shidduch Musical Contribution: Stick to the Status Quo
Erachet contributes ‘Stick to the Status Quo’ to The Shidduch Musical.
It’s really quite shocking the sort of deep inner desires that eligible young men and women harbor… Follow the link at your own risk!
Stick to the Shidduch Quo
Yossi:
Take a look
There’s nothin’ but books
When I am in the beis and on a roll
But I’ve got a confession
My own secret obsession
And it’s making me lose control
Other yeshiva boys:
Everybody gather ’round
Yossi(spoken):
Well if everyone’s telling their secrets then I can tell mine…I have facebook!
Yeshiva boys(spoken):
What?
Yossi(spoken):
I have facebook! Statii, pokes, even weird dorm life pictures
Yeshiva boys:
Not another sound
Yossi(spoken):
Someday I hope to have the most friends in YU!
Yeshiva boys:
No, no, no, nooooooooooo
No, no, no
Stick to the stuff you know
Yeah, to be just like us
Stay away from that shtus
Don’t mess with the flow, no no
Stick to the status quo
Malkie:
Look at me
And what do you see
Such tznius, it’s beyond compare
But inside I am stirring
Something strange is occurring
It’s a secret I need to share
Girls:
Open up, dig way down deep
Malkie(spoken):
Bright colors are my passion! I love wearing green and pink and blue and red!
Girl(spoken):
Is that even legal?
Girls:
Not another peep
Malkie(spoken):
They’re just colors. Sometimes I think they’re cooler than wearing black.
Girls:
No, no, no, noooooooooo
No, no, no
Stick to the stuff you know
If you wanna be frum
Then don’t beat your own drum
Don’t mess with the flow, no no
Stick to the status quo
Out of towner:
Listen well
I’m ready to tell
About a need that I cannot deny
Dude, there’s no explanation
For this odd situation
But I’m ready to let it fly
OOTers:
Speak your mind and you’ll be heard
OOTer(spoken):
Alright, if they’re all telling their secrets… then I’m coming clean! I want to live in New York!
OOTer 1(spoken):
No way!
OOTer 2(spoken):
Where is it?
OOTer 3(spoken):
In China?
OOTer(spoken):
No, dude, it’s on the East Coast!
OOTers:
Not another word
OOTer 1(spoken):
Do you have to speak with an accent?
OOTer(spoken):
Shaw do!
OOTers:
No, no, no, nooooooooooo
No, no, no
Stick to the stuff you know
If you wanna be down
Then please stay out of town
Don’t mess with the flow, no no
Stick to the status quoooooooo
Everyone:
No, no, no
stick to the stuff you know
It is better by far
To keep things as they are
Don’t mess with the flow, no no
Stick to the status quo
Shadchan 1:
This is not what I want
This is not what I planned
And I just gotta say
I do not understand
Someting is really
Shadchan 2:
Something’s not right
Shadchan 1:
Really wrong
Shadchans:
And we gotta get things
Back where they belong
We can do it
OOTer:
Gawta stay!
OOTers:
Stick with what you know
Shadchans:
We can do it
Malkie:
Colors hooray!
Girls:
She has got to go
Shadchans:
We can do it
Yossi:
Poke away!
Yeshiva boys:
Keep your voice down low
Everyone:
Not another peep
No, not another word
No, not another sound
No
Shadchan 1:
Everybody quiet!
Girl 1(spoken):
Why is everybody staring at you?
Girl 2(spoken):
Not me, you.
Girl 1(spoken):
Because I have a blog? I can’t have people staring at me! I really can’t!
Everyone:
Noooooooooooooo, no, no, no
Stick to the stuff you know
Yeah, to be just like us
Stay away from that shtus
Don’t mess with the flow, oh no
Stick to the status quooooooooooooo
No, no, no
Stick to the stuff you know
If you wanna be frum
Then don’t beat your own drum
Don’t mess with the flow, no no
Stick to the status
stick to the status
Stick to the status quo
Alternate third section:
New Yorker:
Listen well
I’m ready to tell
About a need that I cannot deny
Dude, there’s no explanation
For this odd situation
But I’m ready to let it fly
NYers:
Speak your mind and you’ll be heard
NYer(spoken):
Alright, if they’re all telling their secrets… then I’m coming clean! I want to live in Dallas!
NYer 1(spoken):
Awesome!
NYer 2(spoken):
Where is it?
NYer 3(spoken):
In China?
NYer(spoken):
No, dude, it’s like down in Texas!
NYers:
Not another word!
NYer 1(spoken):
Do you have to speak with an accent?
NYer(spoken):
Y’all know it!
NYers:
No, no, no, nooooooooooo
No, no, no
Stick to the stuff you know
If you wanna be down
Then don’t go out of town
Don’t mess with the flow, no no
Stick to the status quo!
Shidduch Musical Grows
G‘s adaption of “The Boys are Back in Town” (below and on SerandEz’s blog) gives us a new total of three songs for the shidduch musical (the Welcome Home Song, the Mama, I’m a Big Girl Now courtesy of Scraps). This could get fun. I’m thinking of a songdance scene in a lounge – around 5 couples scattered around the room. The song will start with snippets of conversation and end with the guys dancing on the tables and the girls throwing their diet coke glasses in the air in a single explosion of glass and carbonated sucrose. I’m just not sure how to get from point A to point B.
How about a conglomerated job? Anyone have ideas, songs, script lines, scenes, acts, to contribute?
Guess who just got back today?
Them white-shirted boys that had been away
Haven’t changed, still shteiging away
But man, they gonna be datin’ like crazy
They were asking which girls were around
How pretty they are, and how much Dad’s puttin’ down
Told them you were lookin’ for a learner
That Lakewood’s your idea of heaven
The boys are back in town
It’s Bein Hazmanim time
I said
The boys are back in town
It’s Bein Hazmanim time
The boys are back in town
It’s Bein Hazmanim time
The boys are back in town
It’s Bein Hazmanim time
You know that girl you used to see a lot
Every day doing something else, well that’s all gonna stop
Man I tell you she dropped it all like it was red hot
I mean she started dating
Manhattan @ 7:30 is the time and place
One time this chick got up and she slapped “Johnny”’s face
Man forgot which girl he was out with
If that chick aint shomer negiah, forget her
The boys are back in town
It’s Bein Hazmanim time
I said
The boys are back in town
It’s Bein Hazmanim time
The boys are back in town
It’s Bein Hazmanim time
The boys are back in town
It’s Bein Hazmanim time
Make sure you’re seen around
Start dressing up, not down
Get your name spread around
Shabbos at Shul the girls will dress to kill
At night, restaurants and lounges will fill
The Diet Coke will flow ‘till he calls for the bill
And if the boys don’t tip, you’d better dump them
That Shadchanim in the corners do their dance & song
The nights are getting warmer, it won’t be long
Won’t be long till the weddings come
Now that the boys are here again
The boys are back in town
It’s Bein Hazmanim time
The boys are back in town
It’s Bein Hazmanim time
The boys are back in town
It’s Bein Hazmanim time
Spread the word around
The boys are back in town
The boys are back in town
The bochurim are back, the bochurim are back
Shidduch Musical: Act 1 Scene 1
A long while back aidel knaidel blogged about how she’s just back from seminary, literally just off the plane, and not even dating yet, but she can already feel the eyes evaluating her and the pressure building to get married. Poor girl—she was astounded.
And I? I felt like throwing an arm around her shoulder and, with the world-weariness of someone with two year’s more experience saying, “Welcome to our world.”
If life was a musical, that would be my cue to burst into song and dance, passing on my accumulated shidduch wisdom to the incoming generation in an Oscar-winning performance.
If life was a musical, I would also have my lines pre-written and choreographed for me. But it isn’t, so Aidel Knaidel had to wait while I sat down to write a song about shidduchim.
And a long wait it was. Let’s just say that my admiration for songwriters has grown over the past few weeks.
I initially decided to set it to the tune of a drinking song by the playwright Sheridan.
“Drinking song?” you ask, wrinkling your nose. Perhaps you forget that the American national anthem is also set to the tune of a drinking song. Astonishing, really. Here we have a national anthem so difficult to sing that most people can’t manage it while sober, yet in the 18th century they sang it while drunk.
Must be yeridas hadoros.
But anyway, the charm of Sheridan’s song is it’s incongruity to the shidduch process—the singers are just so open and unpicky.
I got about as far as the chorus, and then what poetic skills I have proved less than a match for the task. So there’s no song; there’s just a poem. If anyone wants to set it to music and send me the sound clip, I’ll upload it. And if anyone wants to try their hand at a gentlemen’s version, I’d welcome that too. But otherwise… here it is:
Welcome to Shidduchim, Ladies
They call you ‘available’ with a knowing smile
You’re ‘on the market’ (this lingo’s not tricky)
You may rot if you stay on the shelves for a while,
So if you’re smart, you won’t be too picky.
Come meet Aunt Sadie and third cousin Dan
Smile at the woman in black
Tell her what you want, your life and your plan
If you’re lucky she might call you back.
You step off the plane
The world’s gone insane
“My daughter in the ‘parsha’” – that’s your new name.
Look in that mirror for more than a flash
Take the time: primp and preen!
Even if you’re going to take out the trash
They’re looking, and you might be seen.
You try every fad diet and hope one won’t fail
For your waistline must certainly shrink
Your wardrobe’s expanding with each Macys sale
The bills drive your father to drink.
You can’t know who
Will reference for you
So impress all your neighbors and their dogs too.
You now know your “type,” can fill out forms like a pro
And check off your prefs with efficiency
And his type, appearance, background—all this you know
For you must know exactly how he should be.
Write down your info in a resume
Keep a copy at all times in your purse
You never know who will be the one to know him—
A banker, street sweeper, or nurse.
In the shidduch game
You must spread your name
“Available maidel” is your claim to fame.
Don’t write a novel, don’t win the Nobel Peace Prize
Don’t end war, crime, hate—anything
Be a good girl and don’t catch any eyes
Don’t stand out ‘til you’ve got that ring.
Officially you were not toilet trained at four
Officially your parents are wealthy
Officially your grandfather was the gadol hador
Officially your family is healthy.
The things you must do
To get a date or two
Not sure your sanity will all make it through.
“So when’s it your turn?” ask the ladies in black.
“How are things going?” they wink.
“Your wedding should be what next brings us back,”
“In the right time—and faster than you think.”
The shadchan knows more about you than your own kin
Strangers gawp at your mug shot
There’s only one way out of this mess that you’re in—
Get yourself tied up with that wedding knot.
Don’t you just miss
That pre-shidduch bliss?
But if it’s this or be single—you’d rather this!
So welcome to shidduchim, post-seminary girl,
Like us, you’re a catch—a real prize.
You’re a wonderful gem, a diamond, a pearl
Just find the one guy who’ll realize.
