Purchase Specs

The following is an excerpt from an email I received. It’s a bit long, but not as long as the original.

>>I just got off the phone with a parent who is looking for a right-oriented centrist but not modern yeshiva black hatter, ashkenazic, not a Yeki, preferrably with Eastern European minhagim, not from Russia, who has completed college but is now sitting and learning and will learn after marriage, but only the wedding year, who will be prepared to earn a living. The girl’s father davens Nusach Sfard, so that would be a plus in the boy. Oh yes, he has to be “with it” and know what is going on in the world. Did I mention he needs to be tall and nice looking with a good personality? And that he should truly love learning? No Mirrer Yeshiva boys, but an unusual Chaim Berlin or Torah Vodaas boy might do. No YU boys, unless the boy is in the smicha shiur but not planning on going into rabbanus. And if he is from Baltimore, and this is not the preference, he needs to be even a bit more to the right. No boy from a Baal Tshuva family, and no family with divorced parents. The boy’s mother must wear her hair covered. And no family with chasidishe minhagim or leanings. Oh yes, there should be no illness that might be hereditary in the family. No out of town boys–whatever that means–and the girl would prefer to live in Brooklyn since the yeshivot she–and her parents– would want her children to attend are all located there.

I told the parent I could not help her, and she was taken aback. She was, after all “not asking for anything unusual.” Unfortunately, she is right.<<

I find this perspective very interesting, because I’m always struggling to answer the question, “What are you looking for?”

My answers tend to range from “Waldo” to “a kind, considerate, sincerely religious, and intelligent man.” The former receives a tolerant laugh, the latter a, “Yes of course, but I mean what yeshiva, what learning status… you know, that kind of thing.”

I then try to explain that I am looking for a person not a list of specs, but it rarely registers.

A shadchan who prefers fewer specs? Bring her on.


8 thoughts on “Purchase Specs

  1. Yeah all i want is a boy with a good heart and i prefer that he should be taller than me. Apparently, well according to my sister in law, people think i am crazy when i ask for that!

  2. You *are* crazy, wanting to marry a person and not the sum total of his parts. You’re supposed to be wanting to marry a yeshiva or institution or way of life, who cares what sort of guy you do it with?

  3. To me, all that matters is that he should be real and that he should have good middos. No one can change my mind about that and I”ll keep dating in shidduchville till I find that guy!

  4. ๐Ÿ˜€ We aim to please!

    It’s nicest knowing that people agree with me (mostly; feel free to disagree anytime), because that means I’m not some recalcitrant nutjob…

  5. Pingback: An Out of Mold Experience « Bad for Shidduchim

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