Shidduch Bitachon

You know the pasuk, “asei ritzoncha kiritzono…” make your will according to God’s and He’ll make His will according to yours – ?

Well, the widespread observance of this tactic is awe-inspiring. As a single Orthodox female, I get to see people practice it on an almost weekly basis. Here’s an example:

Setting: a family get-together, a shower, a vort, a wedding…

Characters: me and a friend/aunt/former teacher…

Action as curtain opens: conversation between me and second character. Conversation is winding down and second character is taking her leave.

Me: Well, mazal tov. I guess I’ll be seeing you around at future simchos.

2nd: The next one should be yours!

Me: Erhm. Well thank you.

2nd: You should find your bashert and we should celebrate your wedding/shower/vort bikarov, in the right time!

Me: Amen.

Did you catch it? “Bikarov, in the right time.” An oxymoron of sorts. The second phrase claims to accept the time of God’s choosing, the first insists that He had better choose a time that is swiftly approaching. The conjunction of the two makes little sense.

People have tried to explain it away as a prayer that the right time should be soon. But let’s face it – if it’s the right time, who cares when it is? It’ll be right, sooner or later. By hoping that the right time is soon, you’re doubting that later can be as good of a right time as earlier. Which means you don’t really believe that a “right time” that comes later is as “right” as a “right time” that comes sooner, and you’re hoping, through the brocha, to influence fate in the direction you believe is better.

In other words, the above explanation requires the well-wishers to be slightly delusional. I prefer to think that they’re just holy. They accept that I’ll get myself married in the right time – that’s the will of God. And since they’ve accepted God’s will, they’re hoping to influence His will in turn – make it soon, eh?

There’s an additional plus to this view of the trite phrase: every time you hear it, it’s a mussar schmooze. Around yomim nora’im, that’s a handy way to think.


8 thoughts on “Shidduch Bitachon

  1. It could be that they have in mind the gemara on the possuk in Yeshaya referring to the coming of moshiach ‘be’itoi achishena’- in its time I will hasten it. The paradox is explained as follows: If we are zocheh then Hashem will hasten the redemption, if not then moshaich will come anyway, but in the predestined time.

    So maybe they are blessing us singles that we should be zocheh to get hooked up quick, but if we are not zocheh then it should happen anyway, at whatever time is ‘beshert’.

    Then again, maybe not.

  2. i always say “bezeras Hashem” (not im yirtzeh Hashem – ‘cos I’d like to presume Hashem has our marriage in His plans) at the right time. I’m not suffering, and the wrong time is not the right time, so this makes the most sense, to me at least.
    I agree 100% with your analysis of ‘b’karov, at the right time’.

  3. Just remember that they mean well, and that they’ve never thought as deep as u into what they’re saying. And it’s not they’re fault if they just don’t have brains like u.

  4. I know its about 4 years too late. this is not deep, actually pretty dumb. anything that happens is because of hashem. if a person dies young it is becuase of hashem but we are still sad. if a person marries early it is from hashem but we are still happy. if a person marries late we would have been happier if they married early but its still from hashem.

  5. Pingback: Friday Repost: Shidduch Bitachon « Bad for Shidduchim

  6. Interesting analysis!
    I think most people do not think so deeply about their words. In any case, I think it IS an oxymoron to say ‘b’karov, at the right time.’ It seems that people who wish me this brocha probably feel sorry for singles because they are “suffering.” Therefore, they wish that I get married soon because they don’t have emunah that everything happens in G-d’s time.

    I’d still say Amen to their brocha anyway!

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