Is She Ready to Get Married?


Last night I spoke to a reference who met the maternal interrogator in person.

“She sat me down for a full interview,” the reference assured me. “She asked if you were ready to get married.”

How’s that for a question? I’m not sure I could answer it myself. What does it mean to be “ready to get married”?


Does it mean I’m dying to get hitched? Because I’m not. My attitude isn’t “let me prove that I can be the wife your son wants” so much as “prove to me that it’s worth giving up my independence for your son.” Yes, I want to get married, but I’m not throwing myself at males.


Maybe it means that I’m able to take on the grave responsibility of a household? That I can do. I’ve been balancing my own budget for eons. I can pinch pennies so hard they shriek in pain. I can make lasagna and brownies and potato kugel. I can vacuum, when I remember to. And I just adore doing dishes. That’s why my parents permit me to do them so often.


But maybe I have to be willing to buckle down to the responsibilities of a household? See point #1. If someone is worth it, I’ll do it.

Or perhaps I need to understand what a grave responsibility marriage is? Well I do, which is why I’m so reluctant to rush into it. Committing for life is, well, committing for life. It’s not something I’m ready to do lightly after 6 dates, even accompanied by a background check that would put the FBI to shame.

Mostly the mother seems worried that I’m a bit high-spirited, something apparently incompatible with the serious, dedicated business of marriage. I both agree and disagree. First of all, I happen to enjoy enjoying myself (I suspect that’s a common enough fault), and I don’t intend to give it up without a fight. And at the moment I’m single, so why shouldn’t I have fun while I can? Besides, presumably whoever is marrying me is marrying me, high spirits and all.

Second of all, people tend to get more boring post-nuptials as a general rule, no matter how exciting they are before. Haven’t you ever seen a scrapbook from your parents’ pre-children days? Or noticed any change in your brother- or sister-in-law as the years pass? How rapidly they go from being bright-eyed and bushy-tailed fillies to pleasant and matronly mares. (Obviously the mixed metaphor only applies to females, but you can extrapolate to the men, I’m sure.) Boringness grows with a family.


In other words, I’m confident that I’ll become an utterly nondescript source of yawns within a few years—no worry, Mrs. Mother.


And what did my friend reply to this question? “I don’t think I’m qualified to answer that.” Now that’s a good friend (and she’s married too!). I ought to send her a kugel one erev Shobbos.

11 thoughts on “Is She Ready to Get Married?

  1. how do you become qualified?

    i love when people ask if you’re “ready” to get married… kinda like asking if you’re ready to be born. nobody’s ever ready, but when the time comes, ready or not, here i come!

  2. I love your posts. They really capture the absurdity and frustration of the shidduch world. plus, they’re hysterical :).

    at the moment I’m single, so why shouldn’t I have fun while I can?

    I’m taking the above quote a little out of context here, but i think what your saying is so important to young girls in the frum community looking to get married. i have so many friends under the 25yr. line who are not married and are really depressed about it. they seem to think that if they relax and enjoy their independence, they will never get married. it’s like anxiety is a prerequisite to meeting “the one”. It’s really sad.

  3. LOL what a weird question. I would excuse it if it was asked by a mother with a 17 year old boy (yes boy!) inquiring about a 16 year old chick. Not when she is asking about someone as mature as you!

  4. This is not directly related to the post above, but i just wanted you to know that i find your blog inspiring and empowering. I’ve been catching up on your archives, and i have yet to hit a post i don’t like and completely agree with. i feel like someone is taking all the thoughts out of my head and expressing them in a clear, concise, witty, and incisive manner. thank you.

  5. Why thanks, Miss Hatter. You’ve made my day. 🙂 Night. Whatever.

    Halfshared: Me, mature?
    *sticks out tongue, wiggles ears, twirls thumbs on nose*

    Actually, you should see the weird things my oldest sister-in-law did with her face to entertain us when she was engaged. And she’s been doing the married thing really well now for nearly a decade. This chick may shock the Mother yet…

  6. Though there are some things that would make a person definitely not ready… Frankly, I don’t think anyone’s ever fully “ready.” Part of marriage is that you grow with it. As with every stage/challenge in life.

    I know quite a few people who seemed very immature when they were single, the ones who got married young because “why not,” and being faced with the responsibilities was just what they needed to make them sober up. Whereas the introspective, “I need to work on myself more” types like me are still sitting around getting ready, or trying to face up to the fact that you’ll never be ready enough.

    It’s like teaching special ed. No amount of schooling could have prepared me for my class. You need to go in there, do your experiments, make your mistakes, and develop your own style of improving.

  7. Why is it all about the mother’s concern? Shouldn’t the guy have a say in all this? I know the system often works this way, but it seems dumb for the mother to continuosly ask annoying questions that have no good answers while you and the guy could be actually going out and he could find out for himself.

  8. had probs trying to comment on your next post, so i’ll post it here
    whenever someone asks me what I’m looking for, and they don’t take “oh yeah did you see my earing for an answer?” I tell them that people aren’t lists and I’m not going to create a person… it just doesn’t work… I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to create someone like me from a “what are you looking for?” people are way more complex… or I hope!

  9. Pingback: Friday Repost: Bad Advice « Bad for Shidduchim

  10. Pingback: Repost: Why the Pre-Date Interview Should Be Instituted « Bad for Shidduchim

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