Follow-up on two posts back (don’t worry, lighter fare again tomorrow):
OK, here’s my guess at the real reason Mrs. Mother is nervous. Bad4Shidduchim does not seem to have decided what she wants to do with her life.
And she’s right. Because I haven’t. I have no definite plans to become a rebbetzin or a CEO. I have no hard and fast answer to “what are you looking for.” Because I don’t have answers.
What she doesn’t know (because it isn’t done to speak to me directly) is that my lack of decision is a conscious decision of its own. I refuse to invest myself in a specific lifestyle.
Umpteen times in life I’ve invested myself in a particular choice, be it a yearbook job, a high school, a summer job, a seminary, a college, a day job, etc., etc. And every time I really got involved and put in my greatest effort to make what I wanted succeed, it didn’t. And I was forced to accept what I considered second best. In retrospect, knowing more about the options, the “second best” that I was forced into was better for me. But at the time, I was just disappointed (sulky, actually) and convinced I was getting the worse deal. Clarity comes with time.
Before I go further: the last person I mentioned this too accused me of “being negative.” I’m not. It actually pleases me to know that God’s keeping an eye on what I do and preventing me from messing up too badly.
Marriage is more important than seminary or a summer job. The sort of person you marry and the lifestyle you take on will affect the rest of your life. I don’t want to go into that life disappointed, thinking I’m getting the second best option. That’s just a terrible way to start out. So I refuse to start chasing any particular lifestyle – I’m bound to get it wrong and be left with a “but what if…?” At this point in life I can confidently say that I don’t know what’s right for me, but Hashem clearly does. So he can take the reins and drive my coach. Yeah, I’ll do the required hishtadlus, but nothing more. I refuse to invest myself in it, because that way lies disappointment. Rather, I’ll take what life throws at me and roll with the punches.
Hashem: you want me single right now? Fine with me. And a great single I’ll be. You want me paired up with a kollel guy? I’ll be the happiest kollel wife this side of the Atlantic. Offering me a working man? Then I’ll be an awesome mother. That promising fellow isn’t interested? Guess he wasn’t for me. Want me single for life? No problem – I’ll find something constructive to do. Want me married next week? Yessir! Well… actually… can it wait ’til after finals?
And I guess that’s a good deal of what I want to say in this blog. Even if you can’t plot it on a chart, incident by incident, your life is guided by Hashem. So why get all upset when things don’t go how you think they should? Do your part and let Him take care of the rest. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the scenery. You only live once. Don’t waste precious moments crying for what you can’t have.
Want what you get – it’s been chosen by Someone who is never wrong.