Shidduch Revenge

Maybe we’re equal, but we’re treated very differently. Have you noticed? I tried to compile a list of ways to game the system based on the different expectations for men and women, but it quickly degenerated into ways to keep a bad date interesting. Any ideas?

1. Ask for his suit size.

He asks for your dress size, why can’t you ask for his suit size? No reason you should be shocked to discover that your “just a drop plump” date is an earth-shaker, right? It should be a two-weigh street.

2. Take up smoking.

Orthodox Jewish girls don’t smoke. They just don’t. Nobody would even dream of asking if you do, so it’s one vice you can safely enjoy.

3. Add him to you list.

Whenever someone calls with a suggestion, make a big deal about how you’re quite occupied, but you’ll add him to your list. Then casually ask what sort of fellow is he? Naturally, they’ll laud the ‘best bochur’ to the skies, and you’ll promise to do your best to move him up your list and get back to them. (This will have the added effect of making you seem more desirable by lack of availability.)

4. Stack but don’t scrape.

The question goes: “Does she scrape and stack?” What if the answer was, “She takes the middle derech”?

5. Have bitachon.

Ever wonder if the “forever learner” you’re dating is sincere or just lazy? Remind him that he’s relying on the derech of Rabbi Shimon bar Yochei, which consists of learning and waiting for the manna to fall. Enthuse about how nice it will be to live close to Hashem, living on carobs and water and wearing sand, just like the tanah. Alternatively: tell him you play the lottery for hishtadlus.

If you don’t like him: tell him you’ve decided that since you’re taking on the curse of Adam in addition to that of Chava, you want to go lifnim miyshuras hadin and accept that of the snake as well. (The view ain’t great, but dinner has never been simpler.)

6. Ask the lemon-in-coke question.

If you order a diet coke that come with a lemon in it, ask the guy why you’re allowed to drink it, since the lemon was cut with a non-kosher knife. Chances are 10 to 1 he won’t know the answer. If he handles the embarrassment well, ask him out again. If he knows the answer, definitely ask him out again.

7. Use big words.

If he says epis or mamish once too often, start throwing in words like “sartorial” and “capricious.”

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41 thoughts on “Shidduch Revenge

  1. I looove the second part of number five.
    LOL.

    I actually once went out with a guy who had a better vocabulary than I did. I was floored.

    As to number six, if you live in New York, how about asking if you’re allowed to drink the fountain soda at all? (filtered water)
    😛

  2. LOL! I need to write this list down and bring it in my purse the next time I go out! I could totally pull off at least half of these if I remember them. And they definitely would keep things much more interesting!

  3. I think that in reply I would simply ask her how she feels about the growing movement to ban dihydrogen oxide, due to its proclivity towards causing excruciatingly discombobulating asyphixiation upon its inhalation.

  4. Tread lightly w/ being overly loquacious on a date, especially if you do so in a glib manner. If you’re not careful the possible paramour in question may come away thinking that you were being supercilious, or worse…snooty. That’s right I said it, snooty!

  5. imbibe it!

    and garnel, some frum boys object to dating vapid and insipid girls. We like them to have at least a modicrum of seridpitous… (whatever, I can’t decide.)

  6. Basically it’s all batel bi’everything, so the coke’s ok.

    How intelligent a girl can appear without endangering her changes at date #2 is a topic for another post. Apparently, a protean IQ is the way to go… stay tuned.

    Thanks for the positive feedback, folks. I’ll try to keep quality up if you keep coming back… 😉

  7. “You’ll never find a frum boy to marry. You’re way too smart and you obviously have a personality. Both are negatives where you’re coming from.”
    I beg to differ! there are many frum boys who appritiate these qualities…

  8. > I beg to differ! there are many frum boys who appritiate these qualities…

    Mmmm, but what about the ones who can spell?

    > We like them to have at least a modicrum of seridpitous… (whatever, I can’t decide.)

    Serendipity? I doubt that’s the word you’re looking for.

    Of course, there are exceptions on both sides of the fence, as this blog proves. But in general most would agree there’s a societal expectation to conform to a certain standard and individuality is frowned upon by those people.

  9. It’s a stand-in for stupid questions people sometimes ask… Scraping the plates onto each other at the table so can stack them and carry them to the kitchen more efficiently, versus carrying them in two at a time and sparing everyone the sight. It is the little things that make up a person, doncha know, so these details are incredibly telling about what sort of person you’re dealing with. Like right.

  10. But if you take the plates in one a time and rinse them off thoroughly (assuming it’s Shabbos) or wash them (assuming it’s not), you don’t have to worry about their undersides getting dirty and you only have half the washing to do.

  11. Came across this page and I have to thank you for the laugh. While it is a hit to the male ego, I am going to avoid trying to sound intelligent by stringing together sentences using words I could be checking up in a dictionary while I’m typing.

    (I’ll preface this by saying I am not yet in the Shidduch Parsha.) That said, I think both sides need to try to understand the other gender a little better, or at least recognize that you won’t ever totally understand them. True many girls may have better vocabularies than the people they are going out with, but is that really all that important? I can easily respond by telling the girl who is proud of her vocabulary to attempt to read and decipher a piece of Gemara, (or to debate the issues after a Shiur or the like.) Simply put, you will be better at the subjects you put more time into. As a guy who spends hours a day learning Gemara, I should be better reading and analyzing Gemara than a girl. I know my sisters definitely have much more (English classwork and) English homework than I ever had, so it would make sense for them to have a better vocabulary.

    As for words like “mamesh” or other Yiddish terms, it is the result of sitting in Yeshiva and hearing the terms over and over again. I don’t see what the problem is. The shiurim I have been in were often infused with a healthy dose of Yiddish. After sitting in these shiurim for years, is it a big surprise that I’ll occasionally use a Yiddish word? (Especially since many Yiddish words and phrases are far more colorful than their English “translations.”
    Is it really a big deal?

    When it comes to a date, I imagine there are girls who feel the need to show their intelligence to “prove” something. I can see where this might come from, but also definitely understand why a guy who feel uncomfortable. Both sides need to be more sympathetic to the other, but I think that a girl who comes into a date trying to prove something needs to check her priorities and think of going into a date with the goal of trying to get married. (I won’t get into guys and their behavior since it appears that this aspect is pretty well known and documented.) 🙂

    In the end there are smart guys, and those of lesser intelligence; there are guys who know how to make discussion and those who struggle. There are those who have better manners, and those who make you wonder if they grew up in the zoo (which is not to say they aren’t nice guys, they very well may never have been taught social skills.) There are guys who take small things “too” seriously, and those who don’t. (“too” is kind of subjective but in comparison with the rest of the world.) There are girls who are the same way.

    I believe that some of the discrepancies that seem common, are the product of the differences in upbringing. Girls schools tend to focus more on academia as well as Chesed and Middos. This results in a more “polished” individual than the product of a boys school where they focus on Gemara which is not really a “social” event, and thrives on debate and argument.

    As for the guys needing secretaries and girls needing agents, it’s not fair, but I’m not complaining 🙂

  12. 🙂
    While your point is good, the reason girls like a guy who can speak English, is because, seeing as he’s living in America, he should be able to communicate with the natives.

  13. Fair enough, but I hope that what he is saying and why he is saying it is more important than how he says it.

  14. “Guys needing secretaries and girls needing agents” is only true for a very specific kind of man. He must be all of these:

    Ashkenazic, from a respectable FFB family, with no physical handicaps, in his early 20s, never married before, at least 5″8 tall and studying successfully in Kollel.

    Those men who are: Baalei Teshuvah, Gerim, Sephardic, handicapped, short (5″6 or less), kohanim, or working instead of Kollel can go for months or even years without a date. They can call 30 shadchanim and still have no girl to date.

    Baalei Teshuvah will always be at a disadvantage, regardless of how many decades they have been Shomer Shabbat, and to be a kohen who is also a Baal Teshuvah is a shidduch nightmare.

    Gerim will always be at a disadvantage, regardless of how many decades they have been Jewish according to Halachah.

    Short men a laughed at by women, and decades of psychotherapy can not completely heal their inner pain.

    So called “working boys” have a hard time with shidduchim, even though 99.9% of the Rabbis of the Tamud worked at jobs to support their families.

    Older men, divorced men (especially kohanim), handicapped men and men with no college education are destined to receive many lessons in how very, very little ladies think of them.

  15. Last but not least, men who work at manual trades, such as: plumbing, exterminating, furniture repair, painting, etc., also have no need for a secretary, because so few frum ladies are interested in marrying them.

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  19. NL, I completely agree with you! It’s time to realize that if you have an agenda of nit-picking at each other’s inadequacies, you’ll never be able to appreciate someone for who they are. The complaints that I’m reading on the various posts and comments are eye-rolling material. What are you trying to accomplish when you date anyway? Another poke at the system with lighthearted, sarcastic humor isn’t going to help. Your acid humor is coming across as one big defense against all the heartache and pain that this parsha really is.

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