Would You Go Out with this Guy?

While I usually go for creative content, this is redo of an email someone sent me. It just seemed too fun to pass up. And it matches Miss Teacher’s post of a letter about judging people by the wrong information.

Question: would you go out with any of these people?

Mr. Perfect #1: He’s a BT, and his father was involved in an Eastern polytheistic religion. He’s been involved in umpteen political disputes – must be a strange bird – and his brother committed suicide.

Mr. Perfect #2: His grandfather worshipped idols. His father married someone 40 years younger than himself – something odd there. His mother is from a treifeh home, his twin brother went off the derech, and he spent many of his formative years working for his uncle, a professional con artist. Makes you wonder about his chinuch.

Mr. Perfect #3: His father is a BT whose other wife was a shiksa, so his half-brother is an Arab. His mother had some medical issues – we don’t know what they are but she was childless for years – could be genetic. And she died very suddenly after her husband tried to kill their son. Do you really want to get involved in that kind of family?

Mr. Perfect #4: His mother died young – they won’t say of what. His middos are suspect and have led to him being alienated from his family. He was arrested and thrown in jail for attacking a woman (of course he claims he’s innocent), and his great-grandfather was a hardcore member of a weird cult.

Mr. Perfect #5: His parents divorced and then remarried – can you imagine? His sister is still single – must be something wrong with her. He was a preemie. He never got speech therapy and you can barely understand what he says. His parents abandoned him when he was a baby and he was adopted by non-Jews. He turned against them, killed a man, and would have received capital punishment if he hadn’t run away. And nobody really knows what he did in all those years before he came back…

Mr. Perfect #6: He’s descended from a geyores – and not necessarily a kosher one, if you hold by a different rav. He’s not very sophisticated: spends most of his time playing music to the sheep. He has the look of a born killer – there’s just something about him… And though they won’t release his record, the government doesn’t chase after someone like that for nothing.

Mr. Perfect #7: His mother was once caught davening in the Mishkan while drunk – they tried to hush it up but everyone knows. The children of her co-wife, who used to bait her, all died mysteriously quite suddenly soon after. And his mother gave him up when he was only three.

You’ve probably figured them out, but, in order: Avraham, Yaakov, Yitzchok, Yosef, Moshe, Dovid, Shmuel.

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10 thoughts on “Would You Go Out with this Guy?

  1. I’ve had this sort of discussion before, though not all spelled out so clearly. It’s ridiculous…by today’s standards, none of the Avot would have gotten married.

  2. I wrote something similar in my tenth grade journal. I dug it up to post it here.

    Dear Rebbi,
    I am writing to you on behalf of a young man interested in learning in your exculsive yeshiva. This boy insists on learning in a regular yeshiva and not one run for boys like him. He wants to learn specifically under your infulence and requested that I write to you on his behalf.

    HE is a boy with a troubled backgroud. When he was young his mother passed away and he was left to live with his father and half-brothers.

    When his brothers used to mock his aspirations and dreams, our little boy would run to his father. His father understood that as a young orphan he needed a little more attention and he took the time each day to study and learn with him.

    The brothers resented this and as a result he was constantly pushed around and abused. The situation finally reached a point where his brothers tried to kill him out of jealousy and he was only able to narrowly escape by running away from home.

    He ended up working in a completely secular environment as a servant to a wealthy government official, but after a short time he was accused of committing a terrible crime and was unable to prove his innocence.

    Upon being released from jail a few months ago he began working his way upward and would now like to join your yeshiva.

    He as well as I know that his background works against him but would you consider accepting him and giving him a chance?

    -Of course, after my teacher made a huge class discussion about this, and I told her that I meant Yosef Hatzaddik the whole time, it got an interesting response….

  3. For the record: The first four all had to end up marrying fairly close relatives, the fifth a woman with just as spotty a family history, the sixth needed to off a guy in order to pick up his lady and the last one, well, let’s just say he took the idea of marriage a little differently than most.

  4. Funny, but also very sad.

    What about the girl who dropped her nice Jewish name in favour of a Persian one (named after a fertility goddess, no less!), was orphaned at a young age and had an odd, ambiguous relationship with her guardian before marrying a non-Jewish politician? Apparently she had little regard for protocol and accepted forms of behaviour as well.

    I mean Queen Esther, of course.

  5. Well said.
    I’ve usually thought more along the lines of JACP.
    You don’t even need to be that dramatic — I could find examples of successful undesireables from the last from within the last two centuries.

    Of course, none of these people would be wanted today. Because everyone’s looking for the real Mr. Perfect: Wears white shirt, black suit and hat. Descended from rosh yeshivas. Tall, dark, handsome. Has money. Went to right school. Has deep psychological problems, but only people who live with him have to know about those.

  6. Pingback: Would You Go Out with this Guy? « Sabra At Heart

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