Hilchos Dating – Hachanah

 

So there I was, agreeing to my first first date. Then it hit me: what on earth do you wear?

It’s at times like these that the black suit and hat uniform begins to look desirable.

When in doubt, call older and wiser friends, right? So I did. The Flatbush friend said any nice Shobbos outfit would do, as long as it was a suit. The Monsey friend claimed it had to be a black suit. Miss Dater from Queens said a suit was overkill—this was a date, not yet the wedding. The Far Rockaway contact said a nice sweater set would be optimal. The Lakewood advisor told me the outfit doesn’t matter, it’s the heels that make a difference. I I finally threw down the phone and thought, Help me God— Oh wait, don’t. The last time God took care of the clothing for a date, both parties were naked.

Then there’s the whole business of coming down late. I’m a very prompt person, so I’m usually finishing my post-final-double check in the mirror when the doorbell rings. My parents heard that they’re supposed to chat him up for a few minutes while they wait for me to finish getting ready, but I’m usually the one ready and waiting for them to finish chatting him up. For my first date, I was going to march down and end the nonsense after 2 jittery minutes, but my younger sister insisted that it wasn’t proper – 3.5 minutes minimum. Since she was sprawled across the top of the stairs peering between the railings for the best view, I had to follow her guidance or risk a dramatic rolling entrance.

By the way, it isn’t necessary to faher the poor boy on the first date. My Neighbor-Across-the-Street married a guy who didn’t even meet her parents until date number three. Yep – neither her mother nor her father were home to open the door for the first date. It gets better, folks. The door was opened by her teenaged sister. Who was wearing a bathrobe. She said, “The couch is there. She’ll be down soon,” and padded back into the kitchen with her book and brownies. Some people just get everything wrong and yet somehow get it all right. Incredible, isn’t it?

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22 thoughts on “Hilchos Dating – Hachanah

  1. i belong to what people would consider a strict community and none of that went on for me! i brought him to meet my parents when i felt the time was right and took my sibs out with him one night (how else to properly gauge family reaction?) when we were nowhere near engaged, wore my pajamas a couple times, took a tumble up an escalator, took off sprinting after an escaping animal on the second date, and the list goes on. this after we were set up in the traditional manner, and we are very happy together now (still fresh), and he says all of the above incidents were clinchers for him- he loved that “quirky” side of me. so NEVER be hesitant to show someone the best parts of how you will be forever. the suit is totally wasted if it’s not you.

  2. I’m fascinated by how yeshivish people meet the parents so early. With the last girl I seriously dated, we didn’t meet each other’s parents for 3 months. Sometimes when I date a girl I incidentally see their parents when I pick her up, but I never davka meet them before its serious. It seems like a waste of time.

  3. On numerous dates,I followed those rules to a tee, to no avail. When I finally met my husband from date one we both decided we would both break as many rules and protocols as we possibly could. He didnt meet my parents till date 4. And things worked out, so go know.

  4. gosh, i barely remember my first date… i wore a dark bluish/black suit. i only know that cuz i’ve worn it just about every first date of mine… and it’s still in good condition, so i think i’ll still wear it…

  5. Man- so I guess my little brothers can’t be any worse. I totally agree that dating outfits are subjective and depend on the community. That’s why- just do what you want!! Or rather, do what the person’s community or the person himself expects.

  6. I wore a black suit and heels on the first date. After that it was nice sweaters and skirts (things I wear to teach) and flats. I don’t think he started paying attention until the 4th or 5th date when he called to make sure that I would wear flat shoes because we were going to be walking – I laughed and told him that I had worn flat shoes every date besides the first.

    About the parents… we met each other’s parents only when we were pretty much ready to get engaged – like 95%-99% but once that happened you can bet that my father fahered him. The poor guy, at least he’s smart, learns a whole lot and knew it was coming.

  7. I’m fascinated by how yeshivish people meet the parents so early. With the last girl I seriously dated, we didn’t meet each other’s parents for 3 months. Sometimes when I date a girl I incidentally see their parents when I pick her up, but I never davka meet them before its serious. It seems like a waste of time.

    I don’t get it either. What benefit is there to having the guy suffer through that awkwardness? I never met a girl’s parents until I met my wife’s parents a few months in. And my parents didn’t even know I was dating anyone until at least a month after I started seeing her, and that was only because I was at home for winter break and was schlepping in from Lakewood to the City to see her.

    I guess the rationale is that people date for such short periods of time that every piece of information on the prospective spouse is valuable, so even a two minute “session” with her parents is useful. Of course, lengthening the dating period would help solve that problem.

  8. It’s a good thing you’ve officially mandated that the farher is optional. Because the kind of person I hope to marry would probaby go running the other way if my father tried to do him in.

    So, nu, what’d you wear after all?!

  9. LOL thanks for reminding me about my first date. Wouldn’t try to wear what I wore then anytime soon…Now I generally wear a dressy blazer/jacket with a nice black skirt on the first date..or a jumper. I don’t own any suits anymore.

  10. On my first date I wore a very cute, purple outfit I have. When I spoke to my friend the next day, and I told her what I wore, she literally yelled at me. Apparently a black turtle neck and a black skirt is the “first date outfit.” I told her that I don’t understand why frummies have an obsession with wearing black, especially on a first date. Its NOT a funeral. She just answered “thats how it works”

    She also yelled at me for ordering a Sprite instead of the diet coke.
    *shrugs*
    I still wear whatever I want, and I still order whatever I want.

  11. Well your friend has got it all wrong. I don’t ever wear black on a first date anymore. There is a small chance it will be DOA, why wear funeral clothing then? And I always order water. I hope I’m not doing anything wrong. It’s one thing to refuse a drink, it’s another to chose one you’ll actually like.

  12. I don’t own black suits…or very many suits in general, for that matter. Actually, that’s not true, I have one black suit, but I only wear it to yeshivish weddings; I don’t waste it on dates. Anyway, I believe in wearing colors.

    My parents have never met any guy that I dated. Thank G-d.

    And I order whatever I please, within reason, especially if we’re just getting drinks.

  13. am I the only one who finds the idea of black suits on girls disturbing? and even more disturbing the idea of her wearing a black turtle neck and a black skirt with everything else black as well? Thats like so “look at me! I’m something special, I hate everyone!”

    although it would be more so with black lipstick and/or nailpolish, and I can’t imagine black hair helps any.

    I mean seriously.

    actualy I’m nervous about most kinds of “suits” on girls, because I’ve seen precious few for anyone older than early teens that look very presentable for a wedding.

    Can’t they just wear those gorgeous white blouses they make for girls (and if you need to wear a white longlseeve T under it to make sure its completely opaque go right ahead) that have all the nice embroidery on them (which they wouldn’t ever make such a thing for boys, *pout*) together with a pretty skirt, and maybe even a nice sweater or something?

    You could wear colors, even if they’re a bit muted.

  14. LOL, I was laughing at Yoni’s comment- now I know what to wear for the next date! I was always wondering what the guys liked… And if you really want to wear those shirts you can!!

  15. Pingback: Part 2 of 2: The View from the Top of the Stairs « Bad for Shidduchim

  16. “The door was opened by her teenaged sister. Who was wearing a bathrobe. She said, “The couch is there. She’ll be down soon,” and padded back into the kitchen with her book and brownies.”

    That. Is. Great!

    not sure if anyone besides me goes back and reads old posts but…

    I once knocked on the front door of my date’s house and her younger, 17 year old brother answered and said he was my date. I said great. We got in the car, I drove to a nearby ice cream store, bought him a milkshake and drove him back home. when we pulled up to his house, he asked why the date was so short. I told him that I’d rather date his brother.

    My date thought that was great. But alas, it did not work out between us…or her brother 😉

  17. Pingback: Reposts: Hilchos Dating Series | Bad for Shidduchim

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