Amnesia Cured

Remember the forgetful Married Friend? Well soon after I posted about her, I received an email:

“I guess I forgot [these] two because of selective memory. I was blocking it out bec. it wasn’t a particularly pleasant experience.” Meaning, it’s not being married, it’s selective amnesia.

She detailed two more shadchan incidents for our edification.

One shadchan was in Cedarhurst. Getting there was a bit of a problem for someone located in Brooklyn and lacking a car, but my very determined Friend managed to get there anyway. They had a stiff introduction and the shadchan asked a few key questions about where Friend was from and where she was heading. The former was appalling (outside of the tristate area in a town mostly run by Chabad <shudder/>), the latter disappointing (she wasn’t entirely sure, but probably special ed and she wasn’t either sure but probably a long-term learner). The woman informed my friend that she only deals with a “certain caliber of girls,” and Friend definitely did not make the cut. Didn’t anyone tell this woman that single girls have delicate self-esteems? Oh wait—it’s women like that who cause the problem.

The second was a guy in Queens – not either very easy to get to, but Friend was very determined to get married, so off she went, living proof that nothing stands in the way of willpower. Of course, scheduling a time wasn’t a simple matter. Mr. Shadchan was a very busy man involved in many important things, and shidduchim was at the bottom of the heap. However, he made time, she showed up, and after a few questions he said, “I’m not going to have anyone for you. Go back home.”

Which reminds me of a different story of hers that I don’t think I’ve mentioned yet. The one where she trekked out to another city to meet with someone, answered all the difficult questions, and made herself out to be infinitely desirable. The woman flipped through her notebook and asked, “Would you date someone in the 27-32 age range?” (Friend was around 20.) Friend said “No.” Shadchan said, “Well I only deal with that crowd.” Friend did not punch Shadchan in the face and ask, “Why didn’t you tell me that before I traveled two hours and spent a third telling you my life story and will spend a fourth and fifth getting back?!” Which I think showed a considerable amount of self-control on the part of Friend. But we all know how great shidduchim is for character development. Imagine if everyone spoke to their spouses with the same openness and delicacy with which singles address their shadchanim.

18 thoughts on “Amnesia Cured

  1. Brooklyn to Queens by subway is a disaster.

    Why can’t these questions be done over the phone, at least as a preliminary check?

    These Shachanim are either clueless or just don’t care about other people.

  2. Probably. People only talk about things when there’s something to complain about. How many people mention things that go well?

  3. Well I’ll mention a shadchan meeting that went well. I actually just went to see one in my local neighborhood on Tues. and I was very impressed. She sat and talked with me for an hour… listened to what I had to say, asked me LOTS of questions to help narrow down exactly WHO (that’s for you, bad4) I’m looking for. Her humor put me at ease and she has this great NY accent that made the meeting even more fun. Who knows if she’ll end up making my shidduch – but the actual interview was the best yet.

  4. There are like gazillions (give or take a few zillion) of shadchanim. I don’t understand why people don’t just stay local. I also don’t understand why people use complete strangers when theres almost always someone they know more intimately who is “in the business”. Not only would it save them because it eliminates those grueling exams and cross-county schleps but I would imagine theres a much smaller chance of wasting time on one of those what in the world was that shadchan thinking/nightmare dates.

  5. And people wonder why I’d rather be set up by friends…

    Who wouldn’t rather be set up by friends? I think people go to Shadchanim because it increases their chances of finding their mate. If friends aren’t working, people try something else.

  6. Who wouldn’t rather be set up by friends? I think people go to Shadchanim because it increases their chances of finding their mate. If friends aren’t working, people try something else.

    It has been my experience that friends make the worst shadchanim. They are usually way off. I’d rather be set up by a complete stranger. Much easier to say no to also.

  7. LWY, I would think that there would be a big difference between a guy being set up by a guy friend, and a girl being set up by a girlfriend.

    Or even a guy being set up by a girl.

    Guys, in general, are rather incompetant at such things. Not always by anymeans, but they simply do not communicate well enough to understand each other well enough to make a good shidduch.

  8. It has been my experience that friends make the worst shadchanim. They are usually way off. I’d rather be set up by a complete stranger. Much easier to say no to also.

    ?! That’s really surprising. Just about all our married friends were set up by or met through friends; and our single friends tend to feel that friends do a FAR better job of setting them up than random shadchanim.

  9. It has been my experience that friends make the worst shadchanim. They are usually way off. I’d rather be set up by a complete stranger. Much easier to say no to also.

    Seriously? How can someone who doesn’t know you at all be better at matching you up than someone who knows you well? Unless people our age just made bad shadchanim in general, I don’t really understand how that can work.

  10. In my experience, the best dates have been from friends, and the worst from shadchanim. The more “professional” the shadchan, the worse the match. I have also had horrible experiences with “shidduch meetings” (the ones where the singles are presented on paper with almost no details). They are evil! Friends who know me have been the most on target. But when I was younger, I traveled for hours to meet shadchanim and either got no dates or bad dates from them. 2 hour drive to meet a shadchan? How about 5!

  11. ?! That’s really surprising. Just about all our married friends were set up by or met through friends; and our single friends tend to feel that friends do a FAR better job of setting them up than random shadchanim.

    I guess it works differently for different people. I’ve had more success (well, I’m still single, so how much success can I really have had) when people who don’t really know me personally that well have set me up. I’m not talking about professional shadchanim, I’ve never gone to one and hopefully never will. I’m talking about family friends and acquaintances, and the occasional stranger.

    That being said, 90%+ of shiduchim suggested to me are not worth a date. But closer to 100% of friends’ shidduchim aren’t worth a date.

  12. In answer to someone’s post “is this normal hishtadlus?”- that’s a hard one to define.
    A famous Shadchan in Lakewood may have 100’s of names- so what’s the likelyhood of him ever making a shidduch for ‘you’ personally?
    Well, I know of a friend who did get matched by that shadchan.
    It depends. I don’t think I would have driven 5 hours to a shadchan, but my local rav did give me certain shadchan’s names who he thought would actually help. And some of them did.

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