Not For Singles

This one is for the married lurkers, the shadchanim, the divorcees, the widows and widowers, the formerly-singles, the NEFs, and all the people who are not currently dating because they no longer have a reason to:

Folks keep mentioning that when you meet the right one, you just “know.” Is that true? Were there flashing lights on the third date so you knew? Were there little hearts in your pupils when you got home? Did something go zing pop in the back of your mind? Did your heartstrings twang? Was there some heavenly afflatus or moment of epiphany?

Plus: link to the Perfect Mate post.

32 thoughts on “Not For Singles

  1. Not even close! There were no trumpets, or sirens, no alarm bells or fireworks. And, I’d probably be worried if there were fireworks, because that would have meant I hit my head pretty hard.
    But, by the time of engagement, I knew I was getting engaged to my predestined bashert.

  2. my friend for some reason spoke quite openly about her brothers relationship with his kallah-as-of-tomorrow. she said they asked him if he was in love and hes like idk wuts luv anyway and she said the girl’s sisters were telling her maybe hes not the right one cuz she doesnt seem psyched enough but maybe shes just not such an emotional person Friend rationalized she’ll have doubts till the wedding. so i said well i guess theyll find out in a month or so…
    hey the weddings tomorrow, kewl.

  3. No.

    You don’t know. First you just like him. Then you have a hard time imagining not seeing him again. Then you turn around and say waaaaaah!! we’re this far along!! and actually give tying the knot some serious thought.

    The knowledge creeps up on you, it doesn’t hit you on the head with its sudden appearance.

    At least, that was me.

  4. No bells, no sudden “ahah!” moment. I went from possible to probable to walking down the aisle in a gradual progression. Couldn’t explain in a million years why this one and not another one except that time and opportunity and boy all were present when I had my eyes open enough to see what was happening. Looking back I can say “of course, it had to be this one” but I’m not at all sure how I knew that then.

  5. (Disclaimer: Not even a little bit frum)

    Living together within 3 days, married within 3 months, and have been happily married for more than 16 years.

    Was there a single epiphany? Probably not (it’s been a while, and memory is the second thing to go).

    The biggest mistake I see people make is in not realizing that marriage is a continuing decision. I’m not the person I was 16 years ago (although the roots of who I am now lay in who I was then), nor is she. It is an ongoing decision to stay married, and to work at being married, and to work at being happily married. The “happily ever after” myth is, in my opinion, one of the most pernicious parts of the modern world. You can do it, but you don’t get it for free.

    That being said, I’m also not a fan of “pick someone you don’t hate, and if you work at it, everything will be fine”. It’s not, I suppose, as dangerous a myth, because it doesn’t give false expectations, but it also means giving up on a degree of hope.

  6. I think everyone is different with this. Growing up, I believed that everyone just “knows” right away within the first few dates. Once I reached the dating stage, I realized that this is not true and found that many of my friends did not have this experience and it took them a while until they decided to “seal the deal”. But there are some who do know right away and see those “flashing lights” and are on a major high shortly after meeting “the one”. Personally, I knew right away…but I’m not engaged yet, so we’ll see what happens.

  7. I think there is such a thing as you just “know” but I dont think its necessarily right when you meet the person, or on the 3rd date. I think it just comes to a point where you realize there is something different about this person and this relatonship that feels very different.

  8. Folks keep mentioning that when you meet the right one, you just “know.”

    Married folks?!

    Next time I hear a single say no to another date because they aren’t “seeing stars” or some such thing, I may just deck them.

  9. Folks keep mentioning that when you meet the right one, you just “know.” Is that true? Were there flashing lights on the third date so you knew? Were there little hearts in your pupils when you got home? Did something go zing pop in the back of your mind? Did your heartstrings twang? Was there some heavenly afflatus or moment of epiphany?

    Oh, and real answer is I “knew” rather quickly, but it was a combination of a whole bunch of things that I was able to find out/figure out about my wife by dating her, talking to her, etc. ‘Tis amazing how much more you find out about someone by spending a few hours with them than weeks worth of telephone calls to “find out” about them! 🙂

  10. Ahem.

    Are you asking this theoretically? Hypothetically? Intellectually? Or…

    no. It’s unthinkable. 😛

  11. No, you don’t, some people are more sure than this MIGHT be the guy/gal. Some aren’t that sure. But something most singles miss is that marriage is based not on paper resumes but on emotional relationships that are formed when you spend time with another person (productively, of course). That’s why I don’t believe in 5 dates, or in choosing someones for their looks, etc. All that changes when who have a relationship (can be friendship or marraige based relationship) with the person. Someone that you thought was on the ugly side of life, or simply not pretty changes completely when you have an emotional connection to him/her (it’s called beauty is in the eyes of the beholder). Did you ever see a couple that’s ugly but they are madly in love with each other? You can say about looks and about everything else that’s considered “important” nowadays. they key word is emotional connection.
    Besides, how about all the people that just “knew” and got divorced later. Where they wrong? or isn’t that you simply don’t know if you are marring your bashert until you’ve been married for 25+ years? or is it that we have twisted the concept of bashert?

  12. Not at all. I thought there was ‘no obvious reason why not’ when I met him, got to know him and decided we got along very well, and then kept spending more time together until I thought he was the man I would marry. He felt the same way about me, so we got married.

  13. Definitely no stars, but my parents do claim that I came home from each date with my husband-to-be with a wide grin. I decided to marry him because I felt we had the most in common – he felt the same way- and that our personalities were a good fit. We also had fun together and enjoyed being with each other. That’s not to say I had no doubts, and it was still a huge step to decide to “get engaged”. I simply made a logical decision that I would probably find some fault with anyone and since there were so many good positives, to overlook the faults and take the next step. 7 years and 3 kids later, it was the best decision!

  14. No Bas Melech – don’t think it. 😛

    I’m asking because it’s something around three people have insinuated in the past three days.

  15. When I met my husband, I didn’t “know.” But after the second date, we both “knew.” We felt a very strong connection and I think that is what people are referring to when they say that they “knew.” No flashing lights or little hearts, just a strong feeling that this is right. I don’t think it is like that for everyone and just because someone doesn’t feel that way, doesn’t mean their marriage won’t work out.

  16. Depends on your personality. The more flighty, artsy people often will see stars. It’s the intellectual, analytical, thinkers who at some point have to say “this feels right. I like being around him/her. Everything makes sense practically. I think we can make this work.” and kind of go for it. But it’s real all the same. Same reason Ms. Artsy neeeeeds that purple denim sweater and it’s just perfect, will the intellectual girl realize it would match fourteen of her outfits. In both cases it’s right. But the reaction is different. However, you can’t marry anyone who doesn’t give you some sort of a flutter. Something that breaks through. Depends, also, on your life situation. Someone who is more desperate to get married, frankly, will see stars quicker. Seeing stars is the whole point of the vetting/checking out process. That’s why we won’t a shidduch go through unless we’re comfortable with them getting emotionally attached- aka seeing stars. Because seeing stars isn’t enough. Ask the velt with it’s 50% divorce rate. They all saw stars.

  17. I disagree with Mister. I’m very very far from being Ms. Artsy and I “saw stars” when I never expected that would happen to me. Everyone is different. There are no hard-fast rules when it comes to these things.

  18. There were no stars, but I definitely knew before my wife did!

    We were also friends for three years before I asked her out (the first time). She started dating someone else and even set up a shidduch for me (didn’t work). When I asked her out the second time (after she asked me for advice about her current BF) she said yes. The friend who I saw later that day reported that I had a huge goofy grin plastered on my face.

    Exactly 1 year later we were married and we just celebrated our 13th anniversary.

    So to answer the question – yes at some point you just know. Maybe not right away and not at the same time but the ‘spidey sense’ just kicks in and you just know.

  19. sometimes people see stars or think they’ve met their bashert and it still doesnt work out. most people do not end up with their first love.

  20. many kallahs used to tell me that “you just KNOW” but the truth is, you don’t.
    no, there were no stars at my end. still ain’t any on my part, but i’m okay with that.
    my entire family did decide that i was getting engaged to him before we even went out, and since i’m someone who usually does the opposite of my family, it was sooo hard for me to say yes.

    but on his end? stars and fireworks from the beginning. 🙂

  21. I think everyone is different. Depends on your personality, the depth of your relationship and the way your express yourself. There’s an inner serenity and intense happiness when when your relationship is way more than skin deep and you share common life goals…at least it was that way for me.

  22. Everyone’s different. For me, no stars, although my wife says she was repeating “Mrs. XXXX, Mrs. XXXX. I like the sound of that” afterwards, so maybe it was “at first sight” for her. We met on a group outing of a very non-frum Jewish singles group. She was sort of dating one of the other guys in the group at the time (at least he thought so). I’ve been told I was probably the last person to realize THIS WAS IT – my friends, her friends, my family, hers, had us married at least a year before I figured it out and proposed. We dated a bit over 2 years before we were engaged. 2 kids, 3 moves, multiple job changes, and one life-threatening illness later, we celebrate anniversary 25 this month and I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else but her. (“Awwwwwwwww.”) And she tries to fix up her single girlfriends (no weddings yet but one long-term relationship shows promise).

  23. When I was in college (a long long time ago), there were three Jewish girls I kinda liked. I won’t tell the story of how I chose one, since anyone who knows it would know me, but I ended up dating the one that I really actually liked. I think I knew that she was my bashert from the beginning, and it has worked out well. I just recommend picking someone kind. (Of course, we both work, with kids, though I do “learn” a little, but nowhere near the amount even a modern orthodox would).

  24. When I met my now husband, I felt it was right – no stars or love at first sight – but it was so great spending time with him – i thought i could live with this for eternity. although as we got closer to the wedding i liked him more and more – i cant say i was in love. within 24 hours from the wedding – i was madly in love and since then i fall deeper and deeper every day!!!!

  25. My wife and I sort of knew each other for a year before dating. We then emailed for a few weeks before actually dating (we’re talking serious long winded discussions on hashkafah, personal opinions, and Monty Python). After actually beginning to physically date, I “knew” about 6 weeks in, but needed a few more weeks to cement it.

  26. Oh yes, I “just knew” after a few dates. And then four years and a lot of counselling later I “just knew” it was over. I should have listened to my misgivings.

  27. Pingback: “I Knew Right Away…” « Bad for Shidduchim

  28. No. We started dating after five months of friendship (during which I wasn’t particularly interested and had no idea that he was interested in me). Started to think ‘huh, I could marry this guy’ a few weeks after we started dating, told my sister I thought he was the one six months after that, engaged about 2 1/2 years after we first met.

  29. My wife dated 30+ boys and I dated 100+ girls when we got engaged at 23 and 28 respectively. No “stars” but we knew pretty quickly that we were the right ones…..although I will say my extended 10-minute bathroom break on the first date almost blew it for me (but that’s the subject of another post). She says I was the first normal guy she dated and impressed her as a gentlemen (except for the above), and that I impressed her with my self confidence and accomplishments (I had a gradute degree, semicha and a job at an investment bank). She says I fell for her when she told me on the second date that girls are generally smarter than boys. Let’s just say I wouldn’t recommend that as a strategy in general.

  30. Pingback: Am I Engaged or Disappointed? | Bad for Shidduchim

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