Repost: You’re Great – Let’s Get You Married

I’m reposting this because it’s related to a post that I have yet to write but would like to… after midterms.

“Ohmigosh you’re crazy – this is great! We have to get you married!”

Does anyone else find that admiration for a job well done or something well executed is invariably coupled with a comment on their marriage status, and the necessity of making it a married one?

Pull off an impressive Purim costume, and after admiring it people finish off, “We have to find someone for you.” Try your hand at some innovative wedding shtick, and people clasp their hands, ooh and aah, and wonder that you haven’t been snapped up yet. Bake a scrumdidlyumptious cake, perform an ingenious home repair, or be particularly charming one Shobbos afternoon and people smile as you leave and add, “We need to marry you off.”*

Not sure what they’re thinking. Once married, who has time for elaborate Purim costumes or ever thinks about livening up their friends’ weddings? (We’d settle for their attendance.) And there’s no need to bake well or be personable any more once you have that ring on. Heh, he’s stuck.**  It sounds like they’re saying, “Clearly you have too much time and energy on your hands… we need to find a way to bring you down to speed.”

OK, OK, I know what they really mean: they mean the costume or shtick represents something so wonderful that it’s a pity to let it float around unhappily (for it must be), unpaired with something equally wonderful (or at least appreciative). Meaning, it’s a pity for me to remain single, because that’s a waste of me-ness. I think, anyway. The premise disintegrates under scrutiny, so don’t think into it too much.

Another possibility is that “you need to get married” is an expression of friendly concern. Meaning, “there are many singles out there, but I like you enough to think that you especially should be married. I’m singling you out (no pun intended) for special attention.”

A sick sort of side thought would be that if “you need to get married” is the latest way to say “I like you” or “I want you to be happy” then it says something very sad about our society.

Just a note for all the coo-ers out there: when I’m basking in a success, I really don’t need you dragging in shidduchim. I don’t see what my single status has to do with anything, and I’d prefer if you didn’t bring it up.

*Not all activities performed by Bad4 at any point in her life.

**Disclaimer – does not reflect the views of the blogger so hold the tomatoes.

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44 thoughts on “Repost: You’re Great – Let’s Get You Married

  1. Agreed. That happens to me all the time. “You’re so great, why aren’t you married?” “You’re so amazing we must find someone for you.” I appreciate that you think I’m great and amazing, but what’s the corollary?

    Once married, who has time for elaborate Purim costumes or ever thinks about livening up their friends’ weddings? (We’d settle for their attendance.)

    A good friend just got married at 30 and our married friends were more into the shtick than I was. I think a creative girl will always use her creativity for a good friend.

  2. OK, OK, I know what they really mean: they mean the costume or shtick represents something so wonderful that it’s a pity to let it float around unhappily (for it must be), unpaired with something equally wonderful (or at least appreciative). Meaning, it’s a pity for me to remain single, because that’s a waste of me-ness. I think, anyway. The premise disintegrates under scrutiny, so don’t think into it too much.

    Meh. That’s how I end up with Shadchanim telling me that the girl was head of production, or had a solo in the choir. If only they knew how little I cared….

  3. LMAO! You’re freakin awesome.
    I hear that ALL the time. I cook and bake a lot, so when I share my finished products, people often wonder aloud, “You know how to cook, bake, and clean. why aren’t you married?” or, “Oh, now we have to marry you off.”
    Yes, I do have more cooking experience than most single frum young women my age, but that doesn’t mean that girls who knew no more than scrambled eggs and pasta haven’t gotten married young.

    I think you hit it on the nail with all the options. I think some people have all those in mind.

  4. I remember a friend telling me that after their school play, the father of the girl who had the main part (she was in twelfth grade) got many phone calls about his daughter’s “availability.”

    Um . . . she can act well, so that makes her ready to get married?

    Uh huh. That sounds logical to me.

  5. Apple, that’s disturbing. It’s bad enough that girls feel the pressure as soon as they get back from seminary, but–12th grade?! Sheesh.

  6. yep. big probs with seeing creativity as THE reason someone is/isn’t ready for marriage. speaking about which…bad4 – you write so well, with such wit…I have just the guy (sorry – young man) for you…why aren’t you married yet?! (jj – have no fear)

  7. From THEIR point of view: Whatever great thing you did gave them a reason to notice you AND especially your single status and since you are so great at _____, its worthwhile to set you up! ;-P

    Kinda dumb.

  8. That was an incredible post. It is so true. I am very involved in organizing community-wide projects and events and everyone always saying things like “because of your efforts for the klal you should get married. I always feel like saying “Um…I’m not doing it to get married.” or so that people will think I’m a good catch. I started this waaaay before dating was in the picture.

    p.s. did you ever read “The Outside World” by Tova Mirvis. I think you would really like it..

  9. this is a little off topic- but to take it one step further- how about the people who want to marry you off so they set you up with just anyone – (no thinking involved) in order to say that they are trying.!! i’ve been getting that a lot lately- being set up with my friends’ leftovers. someone who she thinks is totally weird (and knows that chances are I would not go for him), but why not push it on me?

  10. One more possibility, b4: Maybe what they’re really saying is “Gosh, who’d want to marry HER? We’d better start looking in earnest or she’ll never make it…”

    (I guess that doesn’t fit so well with the good-cook scheme. But it may be relevant to the purim or wedding shtick… “Sheesh, we’d better marry her off before the shadchanim hear about this; it could be B4S.”)

    (and anon-in-caps: there have been posts about that before)

  11. How about, you’re so wonderful, we wouldn’t want to interfere in your wonderful life by getting you hitched!

  12. Re #12, I also highly recommend _The Outside World_. (But I take no responsibility for its kashrus…)
    Great post, Bad4, as usual 🙂

  13. I never really understood that either- but I guess in defense of those people, they think that they realized how great you are and are thus worthy of their attention in finding someone for you. Or they just noticed you, and to most people, single and married status equals who they are. Not that it is true- it is just most people are rather simple-minded.

  14. Jewish skeptic, that was funny.

    LOL, Bad$- like I told you before- dey is trying to do you a favor.

  15. I’m finding reading this to be an odd experience as you seem way too intelligent and articulate to put up with some of the shtick you obviously are tolerating – this whole weird mini-date with the parents thing (I’ve never done that, and I come from a reasonably traditional family) and the remarkable amount of artificial formality you’re describing as a normal part of your dating. Strange.

  16. I’m a highly tolerant person. 😉
    And this is my community, and these are my parents, and as long as I’m part of their clan I’ll do things their way. [shrug/] Makes sense to me.
    Some things are not worth making waves about.

  17. Bad4, I was just wondering if you ever told a guy you dated about your blog. I realize that though you keep you anonymity, there must be some people in real life (for lack of a better phrase) that know about your wonderful blog. I feel like a guy would gain so much respect for you and learn so much about your personality from your writing. (Although i guess getting to know each other is part of the relationship building process and a blog like this partially defeats the purpose) Have you ever told a shadchan? or is this blog itself ‘bad for shidduchim’? I would be very interested in a blog about how having such a successful blog impact shidduchim, you family/social life in real life…sort of a meta-blog. Great post as usual!

  18. Bad4–
    As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I think you are FABULOUS. As usual, I thoroughly enjoyed this latest quip.
    Would love to meet u for coffee if you do that sort of thing…

  19. Shira-I was wondering the same thing-do all these bloggers tell their dates about their blogs? That would be quite an interesting conversation piece…

  20. “Shira-I was wondering the same thing-do all these bloggers tell their dates about their blogs? That would be quite an interesting conversation piece…”

    It would be interesting if they blogged about the date during the date, you know a play by play report with analysis………..

  21. Interesting but I think that’s also extremely rude-and what would happen if the date found the blog??

  22. “It would be interesting if they blogged about the date during the date, you know a play by play report with analysis………..”

    Funny you should say that, I have, saved in my drafts folder, a post that I thought about posting while I was on my next date. It wouldn’t exactly be a play by play b/c I wrote it before the date, but it would be close.It would be possible to post without being rude b/c all I have to do is press a couple buttons on my phone while on a bathroom break. I haven’t decided if I will actually post it, it’s not likely she would read my blog but if she did it could be bad.

  23. Most of the girls I know who married young are among the least creative, and have never boiled a pot of water in their life. And not to insult anyone- they seem more immature and less intelligent. Not that everyone who marries young is like that…
    The longer you remain single, the more time you have on your own to develop your skills and creativity. Maybe the shadchanim think that they better get us married off before we become too talented. Unfortunately I have heard people talk about really smart, intelligent “older singles” and they say that they are too educated, talented, etc. which is why these girls never got married- because they are too good for anyone else.

  24. alarbean: If it didn’t affect our date (e.g. while I was in the bathroom), I don’t think I would mind. Like I said it would have been written beforehand, so it wouldn’t actually have any info specific to the girl I was on the date with. I probably won’t actually post anything b/c it has potential to cause trouble and I could see a girl getting angry about something like that.

  25. smartblondie: I haven’t been on a date since I started the blog on January 21st. I definitely wouldn’t bring it up until things were getting serious, if I brought it up too early, I would think it would cause her to dump me. I wouldn’t lie about it if the girl brought it up, fortunately that’s not likely to happen.

  26. BJG: I don’t think that would cause a girl to dump you-unless you were writing things about her on the blog and she read it.

  27. smartblondie: Well, I wouldn’t blame a girl for dumping me after reading my blog, who wants to date a guy who seems to be hung-up on another girl? I was actually thinking that if I wanted to dump a girl without hurting her feelings, I could just tell her about my blog, you’re ruining my plan 😉

  28. BJG: True, but as a girl I know that we also can get hung-up on another guy-I probably wouldn’t blog about it tho 😉

  29. smartblondie: I blog about it b/c I don’t want to talk about it in real life (better to be pitied by internet strangers than all my friends and family) and blogging is a lot cheaper than a psychobablist and probably more helpful. This conversation got me thinking, so I wrote a post for any girls I date who find my blog.

    Back to the original topic of “You’re great, let’s get you married, I have people say similar things to me all the time. The way it usually happens is that someone will call me for help with something related to my job. Even though I get paid to do it during the day, I work for these people at night and on weekends for free b/c they’re usually family friends or distant relatives. If I do a good job and they’re happy, instead of offering to pay me (like a nice person should) they say things like “we need to find you a girl” or even “I’m gonna get you a really nice wedding present when you get married”. The thing I noticed is that as far as finding me a girl goes, they always say “we” not “I” as if they mean the whole world needs to find me a girl and they will most likely not do anything at all to help. It doesn’t bother me as much as the wedding present comment, I have no idea what these people are thinking when they say these things.

  30. I think that’s a major part of the “shidduch crisis” (i hate using that phrase btw)-everyone knows something has to be done but for some reason noone wants to do it.

  31. Too good… I feel like that is what follows the “wow, we really have to get you married.” It is like “we appreciate you and want to help you reach this amazing level of happiness…, but you are too good.” It seems like there are specific niches. “Amazing” goes with “Top”, “typical” goes with “cookie – cutter” and “very out of the box” goes with “more independent/own type”, but anything else and well let us just see who is left on the other side. Then it hits, here is a person that doesn’t fit in the above categories and is still around! So I think it is more of a realization than compliment or insult. When followed by a “too good”, I don’t know what a person is supposed to do about that. Especially when all the ” Miss too goods” supposedly sound the same.
    I guess telling about a blog would give a large insight about how specifically different and unique a person is. Then again, after knowing a person for 2, 4, even 6 hours, I’m not sure I’d want to invite them to discover that. Also, it would give them the heads up to follow my whole future. That is a bit eerie.

  32. Pingback: Deserving a Date « Bad for Shidduchim

  33. Pingback: Friday Repost: You’re Great Let’s Get You Married | Bad for Shidduchim

  34. Perhaps all those well meaning wisher “we have to get you married” people have forgotten that Hashem [G-d} is at the root of you being single and when your time comes you will be married … Just remind these well-wishers What can you do if Hashem makes the shidduch.
    “Never boiled a pot of water in her life” … hmm … all you need these days is a 36 cup coffee urn you can buy at Walmarts and fill it up and have hot water all day for a whole week … make sure you keep checking the level a few times during the week .. on erev Shabbos – just refill to the max. [just below the screws] .

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