Um… Something Came Up

One of the problems with being an employee and student at the same time is that you end up with very little free time. Some of that precious free time gets filled in with weekly necessities and/or household obligations, some of it is used to study (not enough, unfortunately), and very little is left free for things that fall into the “others” category.

Ice cream with friends is an “others.” NMF’s sheva brochos is an “others.” And dating is an “others.” And guess which one has priority over all others, even to the point of knocking them off the schedule despite being planned far further in advance. Yeah, exactly.

It also takes precedence over weekly things and studying, come to think of it. So dating is really bad for many aspects of my life and sometimes I wonder why I do it.

As long as it’s the cleanliness of my room that’s at stake, I can handle it. A calculus grade is tougher, but with a bit of heaven-sent luck we can weather that nicely. The part I find difficult is dealing with those pre-scheduled friendly things.

“Um, I know we’ve been planning this boggle tournament for weeks, but something came up. Yeah, it had to be that night. Hey – it’s not like I’m happy about this!”

The problem is with the taboo on mentioning dating. It’s supposed to be none of anyone’s business possibly because it’s just part of your private affairs or maybe to prevent them from getting jealous or excited or whatever undesirable emotions they might suddenly find themselves filled with. And maybe so you don’t have to face their excited “So how did it go” when truth be told, you don’t want to have to think about it ever again.

With friends I tend to disregard the taboo anyway. It’s more convenient, and doesn’t leave me tap-dancing on the border of lying.

Being Dodgy:

Me: Um, you know how I’m supposed to be going to your sheva brachos tomorrow night?

NMF: Yes – can’t wait to see you there!

Me: We-ell… can’t come. Something came up.

NMF: You’re not coming?!

Me: No… sorry. Unforeseen circumstances. Nothing I could do.

NMF: I’m so disappointed.

Me: Sorry, I really want to be there, but things happen…

NMF: Yes, I understand.

By the time you’re done doing one of these “avoid mentioning that I’m dating” dances, the person either knows that you’re going on a date anyway, or they’re convinced there’s been a tragedy in your family. I tend to think the latter is the worse option, so when the friend starts asking if everything is OK and if there’s anything she can do, I chuck in the towel and confess.

NMF: Is everything OK?

Me: Mostly – except that I can’t go to your sheva brachos. Personally, I’d rather go to your sheva brachos then meet the something that came up, but don’t tell him that. And who knows? He might turn out to be something for which I want to interrupt my life and bring all my plans grinding to a halt, so yeah, I guess everything is just peachy. Mazal tov and try to enjoy the evening without me, K?

NMF: Oh – great. I will. And you enjoy too.

Me: Will do.

11 thoughts on “Um… Something Came Up

  1. I don’t understand this at all. Why can’t the guy wait a day or a week until your free? Or are there so many sheva brochos that you’d never have time to date otherwise?

  2. if only it were so simple! generally, my dating life is something like this…i have college tuesday and thurs and a wedding on sunday, while he has college monday and wednesday and learns with his grandfather on motzei shabbos….so um…hows friday night??

  3. LOL…i love this.
    Shadchanim are funny, because to them, my life must stop for a date. It’s the most important thing. And if I tell them I’d rather wait, they accuse me of not wanting to get married. ARGH.

    I just tell my friends (the ones I’m in touch with on a regular basis) “I’ll be on a date Tuesday night, so if I don’t answer my phone, you’ll know why.” If you’re mature enough, and 22, since I’m over the hill, we are, you deal with it.

    Although the Sheva Brachot is tough because the NMF might laugh at you thinking, “ha, i’m so past that!” and then ask you about it, and honestly, I don’t need those kids gloating in my face the day after my date when they’re still obsessing over their husband and new last name.

  4. Is there a soul alive who does not know what that “something” means?
    I hate euphemisms. If there’s something to say, say it, and if it shouldn’t be said, don’t. But no one is fooled.

  5. It’s true, “something” always means a date. My chavrusa and I will say “I can’t learn tomorrow night…”, and we both know what it means. If we didn’t mean that, we’d have said “i’m going out for dinner for my mother’s birthday” or something similarly specific.

    i think the reason people elect for euphemisms is because the gemara says a bracha comes to one who keeps things hidden.

  6. A friend of mine on shidduchim told me that tabboo is supposed to be something about Ayin Hara. But seeing as you’re hearing this from the mother of a friend of a random person from the internet, I’d check it up before accepting it as is.

    On a side-note, why do we say “on shidduchim?” It sounds like they’re doing drugs…

    Person 1: Yeah, she was a great girl.
    Person 2: What happened to her?
    Person 1: *whispers* Last I heard, she’s on shidduchim… *eyes glaze over with sadness at the lost soul*

    To non-frum friends, or non-Jews, or someone who just plain doesn’t know what a shidduch is, it probably does sound like a drug….

    Person 1: She’s on shidduchim.
    Person 2: Not tried that yet…

    Oh look, I’ve babbled. Again. Suffice to say, nice post 😛

  7. On a side-note, why do we say “on shidduchim?” It sounds like they’re doing drugs…

    –what do you mean ‘sounds like’?

  8. See, this doesn’t come up as a problem for me. If I have a sheva brachos, or something else on my schedule that makes me similarly unavailable, I just say so. “Let’s see, I have a wedding Thursday night and motzei Shabbos I have sheva brachos, how’s Sunday afternoon?” Etc, etc. This is how it goes for a first date, and possibly a second or third as well. If we get much past that, I’ll probably start making more time for him in my schedule. 😉

  9. I’m sure the MF will understand- after all, something has ‘come up’, or you have ‘other plans’, or you plan to be ‘busy’ that night.
    First dates are hard to schedule, because you don’t know if you like the guy yet, so why should you make time and cancel things for something that may not work out?
    And, G, I think it’s ‘in shidduchim’, not on.

  10. Pingback: Friday Repost: Taboo on Talking? | Bad for Shidduchim

  11. Pingback: Repost: Something…Came Up | Bad for Shidduchim

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