Dating Mom

I have a list! How cool is that?

Actually, I’ve had one for a few weeks now, but wasn’t aware of it, due to dater’s apathy. I actually had the following conversation one night:

“You’re going to get all dolled up Thursday night!” That’s my mother speaking. (Why can’t people ever say things like that to me without sounding gleeful?)

“Why am I doing that?” I turned one eye from my inbox.

“Because you’re going on a date.”

“Oh.” Eye returned to screen.

“Care to know with who?”

“Hm…”

“[Named].”

“Mhm.”

“Would you like to know his information?” (Love that. “His information.” Like “his records,” “his file”…)

“I guess – it will probably come in handy.”

“It’s in my inbox – I’ll need the computer.”

“Oh, no rush.”

And to think only a year ago (or is it approaching two years? Yikes!) I eagerly requested all the gory details. I’m quite lucky to have parents to take care of this stuff for me, because if it was up to me to find me dates, I’d have bought a lifetime subscription to Spinster magazine long ago.

Anyway, it’s really too bad I was so out of it. If I’d have known I was a girl with a list, I would have walked straighter, stepped with a swagger, and held my head high, the better to gaze down my nose at the girls who are merely on lists instead of having them.

I’m a girl with a list.

OK, so it’s a list only two people long, and right now one of those people is female.

Yeah, female.

It happened like this: When I pushed this fellow off because of finals, his mother either was incredibly bored, or couldn’t imagine what kind of freak pushes off dating for finals, because she hit the phones again to gather information about me. And her son went back to yeshiva from whence he cannot return, which, it turns out is only in Lakewood, and not Mozambique like she made it sound.

Anyway, this mother says that while I was studying, her son began dating someone else, and she’s not going to drag him back to NYC to date me until she’s met me herself. (I assume the new girl is in Lakewood.)

“What do I wear to date a mother?” I asked cheerfully. “Will she take me out to eat, or do I just get a bottle of water out of her? Do we go to a lounge or walk around the park?”

“You’re not going,” my mother replied firmly. She’s insulted, though she doesn’t say that. What she says is that she doesn’t understand how any woman can think she knows her son so well that she can screen his first dates for him.

“Not everyone has children like yours,” I pointed out.

I’m taking it lightly because I don’t think that’s the issue. I’m remembering this mother and how I wished she’d interview me instead of torturing my references. And I’m thinking (with reason) that this mother dug up ambiguous information during finals that she doesn’t think can be explained by anyone but me. And that she values her son’s learning or his time or maybe just the bridge toll, which is fine with me.

“He’ll be back some Shobbos soon; he can go out with you himself without wasting any time or money,” my mother insisted.

Still, to my mind, not a good reason to throw out a perfectly good guy. Possibly I’m too tolerant. I suggested the mother call me or email instead of meeting me. I’m not eager to get dressed up for her anyway.

My mother grudgingly agrees to the compromise, but adds, “It’s not like he’s the last guy on earth. There’s this other guy we’ve been pushing off because we said you were busy.”

And that was when I found out that I had a LIST. This should put me on a higher plane of existence, where everything is happy and I actually feel wanted, and I can walk proudly because I’m a single girl with dates.

If only. What is actually running through my mind is: “[sigh], another date… What will I wear?”

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33 thoughts on “Dating Mom

  1. Anyway, this mother says that while I was studying, her son began dating someone else, and she’s not going to drag him back to NYC to date me until she’s met me herself.

    Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket! You’ve got to be kidding me. If the shidduch system wasn’t emasculating enough, now the mothers want to go out on a pre-date?

  2. “Possibly I’m too tolerant”

    Testing…testing…::tap-tap::…can you hear me in the back?…
    (I am not a big fan of text-speak but will make an exception in this case)

    LOL!!!

  3. from whence

    My eyes, my eeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeessssssssss

    Still, to my mind, not a good reason to throw out a perfectly good guy. Possibly I’m too tolerant.

    “He didn’t call by 10:30. What should I do?”
    “Dump him.”

    What have you done with the real b4s??

    J/k ;).

  4. Throw out the guy with the mike! We won’t stand for dissident opinions around here.

    Apple – that’s different. One is the guy, one is the mother. And I think I know what her problem is – though she is definitely being strange about it, everyone has their hangups.

  5. I have the perfect solution. Convey to the mother that you’d be happy to meet her, but only if your mother can meet the boy as well. Tell her the reason is because you have finals soon and don’t want to waste time unnecessarily. She would be very understanding.

  6. Perhaps the parents should go on screening dates with each other? Compare tablecloth customs, hat styles, contents of bank accounts, genealogy records, etc., etc. I think things will run much smoother this way.

    Boy, us humans have a bright future.

  7. Dating the mother is, I hear, the latest trend for yeshiva guys, whose time learning is too precious to waste dating. That’s the theory behind it, anyway. In the “Ask Me” conversation thread I gave my undiluted opinion of a guy who doesn’t consider marriage important enough to take off a bit of learning time. This particular situation was slightly different, which is why I considered it.

  8. Im so the same way…at this point i dont even care to hear the boys info or wat the references say…My mom guilts me into dating everyone that she thinks sounds good even if im not interested anyway so I dont even care…Ive gone out with guys whose name i dont even know…I guess maybe i should be on top of the names a bit more…

  9. OMG, I am immediately transfering my daughters to co-ed schools so that they can find someone themselves…

  10. Bad4!!!! !!!!!
    !!!!
    What has happened to you? What has happened to your pride, your dignity, your complete and total apathy in the face of impending dateless-dom!?
    If they boy can’t ‘waste’ his time coming in for a date, tell him to go to the store, buy a red kite and FLY IT.

  11. Bad4, in all seriousness, if you’re still at the point that you don’t hear anything about the guy you’ll be dating before your mom tells you you’ll be going out later that week, you REALLY can’t consider yourself an old spinster. The older you get, the more you’re involved in the research process. My guess is that this is because by the time you’re an “older single” you have no trust left in other ppl to do this crucial work for you and you’d rather take care of it yourself.

  12. Wasn’t this an MTV reality show? “Date My Mom” where you date the mother who prescreens you and only then you can date the child?

  13. I gave my undiluted opinion of a guy who doesn’t consider marriage important enough to take off a bit of learning time.

    As opposed to say…studying time?

    “You’re not going,” my mother replied firmly.

    Go mom!

  14. I second G’s “Go mom!”
    I think this so-called Dating the Mom thing is totally humiliating, as if the shidduch system doesn’t demean young ladies enough as it is. Listen to your mom, she sounds wise.
    I don’t agree with parents taking so much of the reins in their children’s dating lives, but if that works for you…

  15. “Possibly I’m too tolerant”

    Testing…testing…::tap-tap::…can you hear me in the back?…
    (I am not a big fan of text-speak but will make an exception in this case)

    LOL!!!

    I thought I was in a blog, but apparently it’s a kitchen cabinet. Where else could you find a pot calling a kettle black?

  16. I recommend dating the mom. She sounds like she could be serious trouble in the future, and this is a great opportunity to check her out.

  17. FG4,

    A)Not automatically agreeing with every idea put forth is not the same as being intolerant. Welcome to real life…this isn’t Yiddle League, not everybody gets a trophy.

    B)Where exactly did I ever express that I am, or am not, tolerant in regards to dating? I may be, I may not be…you have no idea.

    C)I think that may be the first time I have ever been compared to a kitchen utensil.

  18. I think that may be the first time I have ever been compared to a kitchen utensil.

    Now that’s just not true…! 😛

  19. Actually, the kitchen tool analogy is apt, particularly: rolling pin, cleaver, grinder, toaster. No offense, G; we still love you.

    In fact, those kitchen tool characteristics are precisely why we love you. (Well, love may be overstating the case a bit.)

    As for the idea of meeting mom first, I think we’ve officially moved from scary to downright surreal. Next stop, the Twilight Zone….

    Selfishly, I encourage the meeting, if only to let us all know how it went.

  20. Not automatically agreeing with every idea put forth is not the same as being intolerant.

    Well if we’re going to nitpick the name-calling, dare I ask where I’ve displayed myself as unusually intolerant?
    (More so, anyhow, than someone who can’t see an opinion without disagreeing with it?)

    Ari – I’m a bit curious myself. It seems like one of those things everyone should try once in life – like mistaking wasabi for avocado. But I doubt it will happen.

    As opposed to say…studying time?
    Studying time happens for one week twice a year. Learning time happens every day until late at night. If you can’t see the difference between the two…
    …I’m afraid I can’t finish that sentence nicely.

  21. Studying time happens for one week twice a year. Learning time happens every day until late at night. If you can’t see the difference between the two…

    Fair enough

    (More so, anyhow, than someone who can’t see an opinion without disagreeing with it?)

    As I have said before, I call them as I see them. To suggest that I merely take the opposite view EVERY time is simply false.
    Forgive me if my natural instinct is always to question and then decide instead of accepting blindly from the get-go.

    dare I ask where I’ve displayed myself as unusually intolerant?

    A)Once again I am astounded at the inability of the readership to recognize a joke. It seems I should take my own advice and label possibly misunderstood comments more clearly.

    B)I have neither the time nor the inclination to sift through all of the prior posts. However, for the record, to the degree that there was truth in the aforementioned joke it was in relation to dating…not being tolerant in general (I have no way of making such a judgment. It might be true, it might not:)

  22. As if shidduch dating didn’t feel enough like job interviewing…
    …but from what I hear, it can cut both ways. A girl I know told me about a friend of hers who turned down the opportunity to go out with a guy after meeting his parents. Wonder how they liked getting the tables turned on them?

  23. If you pride yourself on using sarcasm as a medium of communication, you’re gonna have to accept it when people can’t tell the difference between sarcasm and joking when you don’t label them. ([/sarcasm] might do the trick.) It’s a fine line that blurs on the web.

    As for my tolerance in dating – we’ll skip that argument, since obviously we’re not equally informed on the matter, and I’m the ignorant one.

  24. hmmm
    My mothe once suggested to me to meet a girl ‘for me’ since she found she knows more about people than myself, added to the fact that she was closer. And it’s not that we’re very verfrumt or anything (if I’d meet a girl somewhere and like and stuff without the whole shidduch thing she’d be fine with it). But I didn’t let her do it… I wouldn’t do that to a girl unless I would be seiously thinking about getting engaged to her.
    On the other hand, I also have to meet the parents when I go to pick up a girl, and even though it’s a bit awkward to be interrogated by strangers who are 30 years older, it’s quite good to get an impression of the people. After all, they might (or might not) be your in-laws one day… And I have dumped a girl already because I thought I wouldn’t fit into her family (based on my meeting with the parents) even though I was quite impressed by the girl herself.

  25. in the brackets it should have said: like her and stuff (I leave “stuff” to your imagination)

    And the picture I got from wordpress really resmbles my mood… i wonder hoe they know… is there some secret service observing the bloggers? i would not be surprised on a shiduch-related homepage!

  26. Gosh, this date with the mom thing is so freakin ridiculous. *They’re* usually the ones demanding the size 0 skeletons, not the son.

    Leftover-agreed 🙂

    I’ve heard of the boy’s parents accompanying him to the first date just for the part where he picks her up, which I also find stupid.
    If the kid is old enough to date to get married, don’t you trust him enough to figure out things on his own? Whether he likes her, whether he’s attracted to her, all that?

    Like other comments said, the parents are becoming WAAAAYY too involved.

    Argh. Shidduchim.

    And, whoever it was who said he or she will transfer his/her children to co-ed schools now, GOOD MOVE. (I think. Well, that’s debatable…)

  27. God bless our living souls this is fun.

    PS, everyone- my name is Sadie and I occasionally occupy Mindy’s body. I am a senior citizen in my thirties who has had seven husbands and a cat. (see Facebook)

    Nice to meet you.

  28. If he’s old enough to get married, he’d better be old enough to date on his own.

    But on a separate note, do any other girls feel it’s slightly unfair that the guy gets to meet the girl’s parents but not the other way around until much later? As awkward as it might be, I sometimes want to meet the guy’s parents, family, some friends – just to see where he’s from and what he’s really like when he’s in his own element.

  29. Actually, in the Chasishe world (not lubavitcher), that’s how they do it. The mother meets the girl, and the father, the boy. If they think it could match, they let the children meet, and they usually get engaged in the coming hour…
    How about that???

  30. Pingback: Friday Repost: In Which I Am Too Cool | Bad for Shidduchim

  31. Pingback: Repost: I Want to Date Mom | Bad for Shidduchim

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