I’ve written this post around seven times in about as many different styles and angles, but never found one that I actually liked enough to put up. Yesterday, ‘Sad’ asked about, well, sadness associated with being left behind. It’s a subject touched upon in “Soft Gloom“, “Zoom Zoom…Cough Cough“, and “An Insensitive Question,” and also in this post, which is why I finally decided to stick one up and let you people fix it up with comments.
It’s 1 a.m. and you’re surfing the net in a cloud of gloom. You just got home from a friend’s wedding and you know you should be happy but…
But…
But why not you?
You’ve watched your friends parade past, becoming NEFs, then brides, then NMFs, all of them accomplishing what you can’t seem to do – find a mate. They all spent the night texting their husbands, gazing adoringly across the room, and beginning sentences with “My husband says…” or “Me and my husband…” You want to do that! Why can’t you?
It isn’t for lack of trying. You’ve dated, or tried to date, as much as they. You’ve visited shadchanim and appeared in public primped and smiling and told all and sundry that you’re “available” and you still aren’t getting dates – or at least not good ones. What’s wrong with you?
Probably nothing.
Look at people you know who got married. Whoa – hey, if they can find a match, why not you? Now look at the single people you know who are hanging around reading shidduch blogs – some of them are just great. God only knows why they haven’t been snapped up yet. And look at the elderly 24-year-olds and even 31-year-olds who get married every now and then. See – they found someone who appreciated them finally. It’s really incredible it took so long for some of them.
And despite what people say, it has nothing to do with how you are or what you’re looking for. The saying is that every pot has a lid, and if those pots found their lids, gosh, anyone should be able to. Snippy sarcastic people, goggle-eyed air-brained people, ugly people, domineering people, people who like to talk about anything as long as it’s themselves, even people looking for the impossible (right wing yeshivish with a job) have all successfully married themselves off while some of the sanest, intelligent, mainstream, and attractive people have not.
Who can account for it? Not I. But it gives one hope. Because the right guy must be out there. And who knows? He might be the next one you meet.
Bad for Shidduchim 
sad: you are not alone. My closest and last single friend recently got married…the feeling of being left behind can be really overwhelming. And not to mention the sympathetic looks I kept getting at her vort and wedding! You wouldn’t believe how many people came over to me with big puppy eyes and said, “I know how hard this must be for you, but don’t worry, you’re next!”
I’ve learned to try and just laugh it off or attempt to distract myself somehow. Of course, everyone once in a while I allow myself to really drown in self pity…but bottom line is, you just have to know that it will come when it’s meant to. However hard that is to accept…
Yet another one that can identify. I do take chizuk from those older singles that finally find their guy, not from the 18 year olds that get hitched as soon as they step off the plane from Israel.
I guess I am the wrong person to comment (got married at 21), but I will say this: no matter what people may say, if you are doing your honest hishtadlus, one day at a time, then all the rest is not important.
Besides, being married is only one part of life – if you don’t have that aspect, then enjoy the other aspects of your life. Often we tend to define ourselves solely by our marital status, occupation, religious affiliation, etc. when in reality a person is multi-faceted, each aspect of the personality having a unique importance.
And no, there is nothing wrong with you.
a friend I know at a younger siblings vort was walking around wearing a big pin that said AMEN!
Leftover, you *have* to be next – there’s no one else! At least that’s the answer I’ve been giving . . . 🙂
Lol…that’s a good one. I’ll definitely have to use it sometime 🙂
Sometimes…sometimes when I wonder why there are such great people still single at advanced ages…sometimes I think it’s to take the stigma off. Like the sentiments expressed in this post — there’s nothing wrong with you. There are people who will say “Well, what’s wrong with her that she’s still ‘Available’ at this stage?” and thanks to all the exceptional single people, we can stick out our tongues at them knowing it doesn’t mean anything.
Dis is sad…
😦
Be’ezras Hashem at the right time to the greatest one for everyone! And may the wait be fulfilling, not frustrating, joyful, not painful, and may you fill in the parts of yourself which have to be filled (puzzle analogy) till you get to that stage…
I like the way you started it- why not me? Very emphatic.
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I once tossed a coin eight times, and it came up tails every time. Poor coin. Why could it never come up heads? Was it fated to be a perpetual loser, never reaching its crowning glory? Would it be used as a warning to other coins, “See? This is what happens if you keep spinning.” But it turns (hah) out that past occurrences are not predictive; that you would expect a certain number of coins to keep coming up tails seven, eight, even nine or ten times, and lo! On the next toss it came up heads.