A Glance at Looks

Surfed over to this blog post one fine day, which got me thinking about appearances in shidduchim. I’ve gone out with guys who ranged from gorgeous to gargoylish with just plain silly in between, but I’m relieved to say that I’ve never rejected a guy based on his looks. I figure a person can get used to anything, and someone has to marry these people, and who am I to complain if my date doesn’t look like a film star with his makeup on? I remember how, at the tender age of 12, I was enraged that Disney didn’t include Quasimodo in the closing nuptials of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I figure I should put my money where my mouth was.

(But then again, who’d want to marry a guy who could pass as a gargoyle?)

There was a commenter recently who also insisted on gorgeous looks, to the general disdain of other readers. I confess, I’m a bit put off by appearances as the first criteria. I once turned down a guy because in his description of what he wanted in a wife, slim and pretty were the first items, and slim was underlined. But hey, it takes all types to make a world, right? Who was it who told me the story about the guy who wanted a trophy wife and the girl who wanted to marry someone rich, and they met, and lived happily ever after?

Anyway, this is a maundering post because when I was thinking about a title, I realized that I’ve done several posts on appearances, so there they are:

Say Shidduch – about the photograph business

Beauty and the Handsome – the benefits of marrying ugly people

Do Glasses Make You Ugly? – a poll

Dating Napoleon – about short men

Fat Potential – The weighty issue of girth

And then there’s Sporadic Intelligence’s response to the post cited above.  (I humbly disagree. Being able to hold your own in an intelligent conversation means a person has a general interest in the world around them, which is a personality trait. Beauty is not, unless it’s carefully applied beauty, which is also a personality thing, but may say less about the person’s overall approach to life.)

9 thoughts on “A Glance at Looks

  1. Thanks for the link.

    I hear your point about it being a personality trait, but the intelligent conversation is reliant on there being intelligence in the first place which is not really an option in life, you either have it or not…

    …so maybe to the point that I meant intelligent, it’s a personality trait (there are plenty of technically smart people who can’t hold an intelligent conversation, because they don’t care to), but intelligence itself is inborn not acquired.

  2. i would say thanks for the link, but i know its not really a good one.
    i’ve been getting a lot of harsh feedback based on that “first post” and i’ve been thinking a lot and realized maybe i was a bit to quick to say no. so I”YH bli neder the next time i’m in that situation (maybe it won’t happen 🙂 i will think twice.

  3. I think by the third date, even if the person isn’t totally hot, if you like his insides enough, his outer appearance will be more attractive to you. I know that sounds cheesy and cliched, but I do think that once you like a person who they are, they’ll look more attractive. The same holds true for the opposite.

  4. Hey Bad4. Hope you don’t mind me chiming in here. For everyone else reading this post, I’m the “vain” commentator who, as Bad4 falsely stated in this post: “insisted on gorgeous looks.” Wrong wrong wrong. Allow me to give y’all a lil background info. I’ve been dating for 2 1/2 years and am still searching for The One. I’m looking for a smart,intelligent, ehrlichah guy and…then there’s…the appearance factor. Like I said before on my rather infamous comment: “I’m not planning on marrying Zac Efron but looks are very important to me.” I’m not looking for somebody drop dead gorgeous just somebody that’s not ugly or less than average looking. Some of my friends have married monsters and it didn’t bother them. How I wish I could be like them and just not care about appearance but…a guys face and figure/frame has just got to appeal to me! (And I really know looks.) To prove to you that I’m not shallow allow me to tell you this story: back in September I met a guy, a really really good looking guy, and eventhough he was stunning I didn’t feel like we connected and said “no.” His hashkafo’s and mannerism in particular really turned me off. So you see I didn’t just say yes because he appealed to me. Another thing that I always keep in mind is the following. A real close colleage of mine got engaged to a guy -she couldn’t stand his looks but everyone else (family, shadchan, friends) kept telling her to keep meeting him and see how it goes. She got so pressured into things that she just gave in and got engaged to him. The day after her engagement she regretted her decision and broke off the shidduch. This guy was a real “catch” as some would say. A smart, funny, serious yiras shomayim. And yet his looks bothered her so much that she had to break his heart. Poor guy. But most importantly, poor girl. This kid was sorta forced into this situation. Sometimes its the easiest to just pass judgement on people saying things like: “oh your so silly thinking you’ll marry Brad Pitt.Get real.” Don’t you think I know that I won’t marry a super good looking guy? BUT I STILL NEED TO FEEL ATTRACTED TO HIM. Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis had a column a couple of months ago that touched on this specific topic of looks. She basically wrote something to the effect of: “a prince charming can turn into a frog over night” & how looks should not be thought about when contemplating a mate for oneself etc. etc. Um, I think that one has to be on a very high madrayga to think like that. We are only human beings. I will have to LIVE with this guy. I really admire Rebbetzin Jungreis but some of us need a more practical approach.

    I know that true beauty lies within but this is my nature and fighting it requires a whole lotta strength that I can’t seem to dig up. Bad4, that shouldn’t make me shallow. Folks that look for money and would marry their daughter to a tree -thats shallow. And I know I won’t get everything but as of right now this is a big part of my requirements for my. im-yertza-hashem-soon-to-be zivug.

    And in case your wondering about how my parents feel about this; we do get into arguments about this but as the great John Paul Jones said: “I have not yet begun to fight. “

  5. Pingback: Objectification of Me « Bad for Shidduchim

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