A comment from Dante:
I recently started dating and would like to know what girl means when she says after a 2nd she had a good time, says u r a very nice guy but doesn’t see it having a potential to go for more than a 3rd date, and wants to stop now.
Is she basically saying she is not attracted to me? (I think off my self as an attractive guy, well at least I was told so by other girls.)
Are there any subtle cues when you can tell that the date isn’t going anywhere early on the dating process?
First off, I have to say I’m honored to have Dante commenting on my blog. I’m curious to know if hell is anything like how he imagined it when he was alive. I suspect not, since he’s asking about dating. That must be an extra ring he’s just learning about now.
So, what does it mean when someone says “You’re great, but this isn’t going anywhere”? I think that’s how most of my dates ended. We had a nice time but… it wasn’t gonna happen. Generally this was because there were some fundamental differences between our views and ways of life that didn’t inhibit us from enjoying each other’s company, but certainly prevented us from conceiving of a long-term relationship together.
Often, this is only apparent to one party. This is usually because one party has said something, perhaps waxed eloquent, on a very revealing subject. The other party encourages this discourse, but doesn’t argue the point. At the end of the date, the second party has learned an unforgivable fact about the first party, and decides it’s time to end the dating.
The first dating streak that I actually ended, instead of the guy ending it, was with a fellow who was so laid back he was practically horizontal. At age 27, he was still clutching the “learn ten years and then see” plan. Not that he was first masmid in yeshiva – or even tenth. He learned during seder, and afterward he didn’t. One didn’t get the impression that it set him on fire. He’d gotten a degree just to get his parents off his back, but it was in history, because he liked history, and he didn’t see why college should be more painful than it had to be. He was very pleasant to talk to, and I enjoyed every date immensely. But being slightly more keyed up, and admiring a bit of ambition in a man, I could see that talking was about as far as we could get before getting on each other’s nerves. Luckily, he never exerted himself to devise a more exciting date than lounges. So I was the only one with the perspective that “this won’t work.”
It is not customary to tell a date exactly why you aren’t interested if it’s not something that really needs to be changed. There are plenty of women who want or need lazy guys. Just not me. So there’s no reason to make him self conscious about it. Instead, you murmur something about no long-term potential and glide away.
It’s a bit hard on new daters who haven’t yet performed the move themselves. Just wait, Dante. One day you’ll be dating a girl and realize that, as fun as she is, you just couldn’t handle her in the long term. Until then, just accept that there was something there, and she’s doing you a favor.
…just a quick question – in what context are girls telling you that you’re attractive?!