Repost: A Web of Problems

Just because I still haven’t finished writing anything new…

Has anyone else noticed that it’s a bumper season for spiders? They seem to be all over the place. I don’t care much for the cobwebby types, but the orb spiders never cease to fascinate. I spent 15 minutes watching one weave its web earlier this evening. It was making its way around using this awkward three-beat gait as it guided the thread – stuck it to a radial. Guide the thread – stick it to a radial. Guide the thread – stick it to a radial. Guide the thread – stick it to a radial.

And it just kept going and going and going.

I wanted to offer it a cool glass of lemonade or something, maybe a coffee break; I was tired just watching. Energizer should have used a spider as its mascot, not a bunny. Can you see it? The Energizer Spider! It just keeps going ’round and ’round and ’round…

OK, maybe not.

And the crazy part is that they seem to make a new web once a week. I mean, it’s tough to be an orb-spinner in Brooklyn. People are always bashing through your architecture.

“This one isn’t going to last,” my father predicted, coming up behind me as I watched the barn-raising. He pointed out that the web spanned the entire path on the side of our house. “Reminds me of the poor fella who constructed an ambitious monument across the stairs on our front porch last week. He completed it overnight, on schedule and budget! I walked through it the next morning.” He watched the spider work. “I wonder if it’s the same shlemiel?”

Do they exist in the animal kingdom too, I wonder. You know the type whose real estate finds always turn out to be Pisom and Ramses? The spider who says “Wow, look at all this space for flies to come through!” not realizing it’s actually there for human thoroughfare?

Anyway, the reason I’m going on about spiders is because this past Shabbos one of them set up camp in the corner of our dining room. It was a big one, about the size of a quarter, with beautiful red stripey legs on its tawny body, and its web was a work of art, stretching from the mantlepiece to the breakfront.

The general consensus was to let it be. How many people can brag about an orb web in their dining room? It’s the kind of display piece a private collector would pay big bucks for. Well, maybe.

There was only one problem: Bad4’s date, scheduled for early this week. Granted, a pet spider is a good conversation starter, but…

Well, the debate began. Should we chase off the spider because it’s bad for shidduchim? Should we try to keep the fellow (the date, I mean) corralled before the dining room? Seat him in the living room? Maybe I should just open the door myself and trot right out to his car? Have we possibly reached that point in my dating career yet?

All great progress must have something driving it, and it seemed like the elimination of the first-date interview from my life was going to be caused by a spider with striped tights. But lo! Two days later the web was dismantled and our spider gone. Moved on to greener – or more fly-ridden – pastures.

Problem solved.

So much for that.


9 thoughts on “Repost: A Web of Problems

  1. Next time keep the spider, it will tell you a lot about the guy. For instance if he jumps up on a chair and screams in a high Alto-Low Soprano falsetto… do you really want to take it much further? Or if he offers to take care of it for you, at least you will know that he is reliable. Perhaps he will be fascinated by it for any number of good and positive reasons, then you may have found your match.

  2. Well, you seem to be very kind to your spider guests. I throw mine out of the house as soon as I see them.

    I’ve noticed many elaborate webs in our backyard over the past few weeks — on the gates, the back stairs, the trees. I remember one particularly big web, which I noticed at night as I was going up the stairs. The spider was contentedly sitting right in the middle, but the next day he was gone.

  3. One of the things I like about my spouse is her appreciation for things like spider webs. Tell it to the guy. If he appreciates it, you might have a future, if not well…..

    Put it on your Shidduch Resume. I believe we now have a new measure for compatibility 🙂

  4. With such minuscule distractions out of the way, may the cause of the whole ruckus – the dating – go successfully!

  5. You”re more hospitable than I am. Our rule of thumb for those who can reside in our house is simple: if they help pay the utilities they can stay; if not, outside they go. Unless a spider comes waving a visa card I don’t want them inside.

    Re the shidduchim, the spider is not a bad test. If he bravely steps up to the plate when you ask him to get rid of it there’s a possibility there. If he turns ashen, then what will he do when you ask him to whack a roach? Not a good possibility.

  6. some people have a genuine phobia of spiders.

    its not always the best thing to test guys (girls) on dates. The famous shidduch urban legend where the girl shuts off the engine while the guy is driving is an example of where in a girl’s (or guy’s) mind they may think its a legitimate test, but really all you are doing is playing a game. And games should only be played with consenting participants

  7. Pingback: Four Suitcases for Five Days « Bad for Shidduchim

  8. all right bad4, are you really gonna marry some hyper-yeshivish dude? you’re clearly smarter than he’ll ever be, and do you really buy into the whole kollel thing? like maybe you do, and that’s cool, but maybe you don’t, in which case you need to let people know that you’re available. cause i feel like youre too smart to spend youre time doing laundry for some guy learning in lakewood while you wonder what could have been, and all your references to things outside the world of yeshivah fall on deaf ears.

    but maybe thats just me, and maybe ive had a little too much to drink. in regards to the latter, most definitely.

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