Poll for the Ladies

It is scientifically supported that men are attracted to beauty, and there’s some evidence that women get similarly giddy over… well, I don’t want to skew things.

Anyway, I’d like to do another completely unscientific poll. Feel free to be more anonymous than usual if you’re embarrassed to confess. And please post your answer before looking at anyone elses.

Here’s the question:

Please order the following characteristics according to their value to a girl from most important to least important: (feel free to add to the list or change it; there is no order to the list; if you don’t understand one of the descriptions feel free to substitute it with whatever you think it probably means)

  • Facial Structure
  • Body Build
  • Politeness
  • Social Grace
  • Cleanliness
  • Kindness
  • Attitude
  • Intelligence
  • Affluence
  • Worldliness
  • Bravado
  • Height

41 thoughts on “Poll for the Ladies

  1. Attitude
    Intelligence, Kindness (on same level of importance for me, need high level of both)
    Social Grace/Politeness
    Body Build/Facial Structure
    Cleanliness- not hygene, just “sloppiness”
    Worldliness
    Bravado- not sure exactly what you mean
    Height/Affluence – these don’t even come into the equation for me

  2. Goldman, Cleanliness is not on top? Isn’t that basic? Could someone prefer attitude or facial structure to cleanliness??? yoweeeeeeee!

  3. Intelligence
    Kindness
    Attitude on life (ie hashkafa)
    Cleanliness
    Social Grace
    general looks
    Affluence

    Somewhere up there is also a nice, welcoming family and a decent voice (although voice is somewhat lower than family and others, probably on par with the good looks)

  4. depends on if this is for marriage, for a fling, and whether or not flings are permissable in general.

    if she’s looking for a fling (or a teenager), then probably more or less facial structure, then prolly intelligence, then the rest of the appearance stuff, fit bravado in there somewhere, etc.

    if you’re loking for a lifetime exclusive mate, i’d probably echo musing maidel.

    (this is just from my observations, reading, etc. sociological and psychological research i’ve read… i don’t happen to be a girl.)

    (intelligence is cited because of certain particular examples, namely among them benjamin franklin and einstein… both of whom were wildly popuilar with the ladies, having little to do with their appearance, and everything to do with their brains (wit is included) and reputations.)

  5. Me, or girls in general? Different question. One is less scientific. I mean, I value intelligence more than I would guess for the average girl.
    Here goes: (warning, I’m not spending a lot of time on this, may not be perfectly accurate)

    Kindness
    Intelligence
    Social Grace
    Politeness (how is that different from social grace?)
    Cleanliness
    Attitude (in a positive sense only, im assuming)
    Worldliness (ditto)
    Facial Structure
    Body Build
    Bravado (im not sure what this means, actually)
    Affluence (no, and that’s not reliable anyway in this economy, anything can change)
    Height (hate when ppl are obsessed with this! so stupid! i already said body build, so if he isn’t grossly overweight and completely letting himself go, who cares! short ppl can be good looking. I mean, maybe if he were a dwarf I’d care? I don’t know. But I would definitely not think a few inches should stand in anyone’s way of getting married! sorry, pet peeve /rant)

    what about a sense of humor? or is that supposed to be included in attitude?

  6. •Height
    •Intelligence
    •Body Build
    •Cleanliness
    •Kindness
    •Attitude
    •Affluence •Facial Structure <– these two rank equal. Any one can be a tipping factor 😉
    •Politeness (erm… if he's kind, he would respect people's feelings… so I assume that's polite enough for the necessary part)
    •Worldliness (Preferable but not necessary)
    •Social Grace (erm, does it matter unless I'm a socialite?)
    •Bravado (I wouldn't go near a guy with bravado. Its usually fake and there to hide something)

    Love this poll! I'm a regular blurker and enjoy your blog.

  7. kindness
    intelligence
    attitude
    social grace/politeness (sort of the same thing)
    worldliness
    cleanliness
    bravado
    facial structure
    body build
    affluence
    height

    As my ranking shows, personality is definitely more important to me than body type or money type. Good middos are the #1 concern, and intelligence is a personal preference of mine. Bravado is nice but not necessary…better he should be worldly (though not TOO worldly, of course)and have some concept of neatness and personal hygiene (presumably after spending several years in a dorm setting, this seems highly unlikely, but a girl can always dream, can’t she?). Other top qualities include being a critical thinker, creative, sincere, having a sense of humor and being responsible. Not necessarily in that order. It’s fun to create a custom husband (Build a Ba’al)!

  8. * Intelligence
    * Worldliness
    * Kindness
    * Attitude
    * Cleanliness
    * Facial Structure
    * Body Build
    * Politeness
    * Bravado
    * Social Grace
    * Height (ok, when i was dating this was much higher up on my list… then I met my very short now husband, and it didnt seem to matter much anymore… but at one point it WAS a big deal)
    * Affluence

    things have changed from when i first started dating, but this was my mindset when i started dating my husband, and i dont think it has changed much

  9. I’d do the original order, just take out affluence bravado and height.

    ..I mean, you can’t say you don’t notice someone’s appearance first…what if they’re waaay fat and square looking…or have a long extended chin..it’s impossible not to ‘notice’…

  10. It’s surprising, and impressive, that appearance seems to be one of the top preferences in only one of the girls. Hale’vi the same could be said for the guys…

  11. what about devotion? love of god? commitment to halacha?

    no-one so far has added anything to do with the religious world or the religiousness of a potential guy…
    even traits like good memory?

    and at least some of you have proffessed to being intrested in charedi partners… – if these are the things that spin your head, are you sure your looking in the right place?

  12. Hmm, Taking it seriously, OK?
    Attitude
    has Strong Belief System (it is my addition) – means that she knows why she is religious and it is not because her daddy said so.
    Cleanliness
    Face and Body (i put them together) – does not mean that she has to be a walking beauty, but unfortunately, people always prefer pretty girls, and the funny thing, it comes from first three. I can make any girl to look a million bucks if she has the previous three qualities.
    Kindness/Politeness – it is important, but I will call it more generic term, Being a Mensh or Derech Eretz
    Intelligence
    Height – unfortunately hight plays pretty critical role, since only hasidim seem not to care about the hight, everybody else pays close attention.

    Social Grace, Affluence, Worldliness, Bravado – are you sure we are talking here about the girl for shidduchim and not the Public Relations person?

    I would add – gratitude, commitment and responsibility (or call it devotion) to the list.

  13. “since only hasidim seem not to care about the hight”

    SeekingJustice, is this something you researched or what? bizarre

    Seriously, are any of you posters of lists married?

  14. •Kindness
    •Intelligence
    •Attitude
    •Politeness
    •Cleanliness
    •Worldliness
    •Social Grace
    •Height
    •Facial Structure
    •Body Build
    •Affluence
    •Bravado

  15. Intelligence
    Social Grace
    Attitude
    Politeness
    Kindness
    Worldliness
    Affluence
    Cleanliness
    Height
    Facial Structure
    Body Build

    But in the end, what the heck do I know?

  16. I worry about anyone who puts intelligence ahead of kindness. You’re hoping to live every day and every night with this person for the rest of your life. He’s going to be the father of your children. Look for someone smart–I know I did–but how he treats you and others should be number one on your list.

  17. I’m a guy, so don’t count my entry towards your unscientific totals, but I couldn’t resist chiming in. Here’s my ranking:

    * Attitude
    * Intelligence
    * Kindness
    * Worldliness
    * Body Build
    * Facial Structure
    * Politeness
    * Social Grace
    * Bravado
    * Affluence
    * Height

    I left out cleanliness, because seriously, does that need to be prioritized? It’s a prerequisite.

    Lucky for me, my wife fits my list pretty much to T! I’m a lucky bastard. 😉

  18. mother in israel,
    It’s a decent point, but we can’t always choose what’s important to us in a mate (if we’re being honest). I simply could not live with an unintelligent woman. Kindness is a must too, so it’s ranked way up there, but all the kindness in the world wouldn’t make a less intelligent woman attractive to me.

  19. Also, some characteristics are not a single entity. There’s a difference, in my opinion, between “intelligence” and “smart.” If someone is intelligent, they have common sense, and common sense would mean being nice to the lady who makes you dinner. A polite person has social grace. A kind person is polite, and vice versa. That can’t be said for physical features, though . . .

  20. Chanie,

    Did you go through your checklist before saying “yes” or is it more that you believe you wouldn’t like a person who didn’t have these qualities?

    I know people who do this, they go through a checklist. When you ask them what they’ll do if something changes (looks for example) they say that by then they won’t care because they will love their spouse so much.

    I just think it’s better to find someone you like and assume that if you like him enough to marry him he must make the checklist and do not think twice “but is he smart enough?” there are a few questions that need to be thought of objectively but most (like height or looks for example) do not need to be.

  21. This checklist was something I came across afterwards, and honestly, the last five items that I ranked weren’t on it. Body build was only “not so fat that he jiggles everything when he walks”- otherwise, I didn’t care.

    And look at my first priority…and the intelligence was just because otherwise he’d probably not tolerate me and I’d probably find him a bore. But no- I didn’t go through the checklist. I just know what I was looking for…

  22. And after 25 years of marriage? Do your priorities change? Do you feel completed?

    Ahh…So what’s missing?

    She’s a little obsessed. With Chesed, with repeating herself, with pampering adult children, with inviting people over that we don’t really like, with working out – but not being in shape, with the prestige that comes with the job you hate, with limiting an intensely erotic, loving, and satisfying physical relationship to just a few times a month instead of taking advantage of the full 2 weeks that are available to us…

    So ladies, what’s missing from your marriage?

  23. I guess when it comes down to it i’m more superficial then one would have thought…

    Cleanliness – yes i’m a bit of a neat/clean freak but at least i admit it!
    Body Build (well maybe this should come before cleanliness but when it comes down to it i think i would marry the guy who was cleaner rather then the guy who was hotter :))
    Attitude
    Politeness
    Intelligence
    Facial Structure
    Height
    Kindness
    Worldliness
    Social Grace
    Affluence
    Bravado

  24. In order from top to bottom:

    Kindness
    Intelligence
    Attitude
    Politeness
    Cleanliness
    Social Grace
    Body Build
    Height
    Facial Structure
    Worldliness
    Affluence
    Bravado

  25. Maybe invite some experience married folk to give some perspective on how much of this actually matters 40 years later…

  26. Pingback: Calling Happily Married People (Or Not) | A Mother in Israel

  27. Bz, Meet a guy you really truly like and respect and want to spend the rest of your life with. Be convinced that they are nice and kind because without that he’s not a “person”. Then when you’re good and married make a list.

  28. It seems to me, unscientifically, that the people I know who are dating against a list are having a rough time.

    In negotiation you distinguish between the POSITION someone might take and their underlying INTERESTS.

    There’s a classic story of the two boys fighting over the last orange. So mommy cuts it in half. One boy wanted to eat the pulp. He eats his half and throws away the peel. The other wanted to make candied orange peels. So he does and throws away the pulp. Each took the POSITION of “I want the orange.” Neither got what they really wanted. Had they expressed their true INTERESTS they both would have gotten it all.

    Admittedly, I was very fortunate and had little experience with shidduchim. I had no list, knew only that I would know her when I met her and was blessed that my first shidduch is now my wife.

    If you have a list, be sure it’s a list of interests, not positions.

    Best4

  29. Pingback: What was that Poll About? « Bad for Shidduchim

  30. Um… I really never thought about that one. To paraphrase a supreme court justice, we know it when we see it.

  31. Pingback: Calling Happily Married People (Or Not)

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