17 thoughts on “Excerpt of the Week

  1. Ooh, leaving yourself open to the argument of “I’m sorry, are you an adult?” Why should parents “know” what their sons and daughters are looking for, if the aforementioned do not know themselves?

    While I agree with this point in principle (that I indeed am an adult and I don’t want my parents choosing who I marry) I also hated hated hated talking to matchmaker-types. So I won’t actually make the argument. I just state it for the point of view.

  2. Bad 4, you hit the nail on the head! That’s the philosphy that I like to follow except maybe if its my Aunt!

  3. Yosef, allow me to be the one to make that argument. If you aren’t adult enough to arrange your own dates you aren’t adult enough to get married.

  4. I’m with moguy.

    There comes a time when you have to do things for yourself, instead of always relying on your parents to make phone calls and arrange these things. This doesn’t only apply to dating — the same thing can be said about applying to college, for a job, etc.

  5. Moguy and inkstained hands; Yes, at some point-but, not at the beginning point.

    Besides, don’t men continue the same trend by allowing their wives to arrange their doctor’s visits. In other words they allow their wives to pick up the tab where their mothers left off!

  6. ๐Ÿ˜€
    I take care of my own college and job applications, and I even make my own doctor’s appointments and lunches! However, if I can leave the shadchanim to the parental units, I am very, very happy to do so. I don’t consider it a matter of pride or machismo to speak to the shadchan myself. I’m just talking about when you’ve got something to set up, btw. Not randomly calling shadchanim and telling them what I’m “looking for.” We gave up on that exercise eons ago.

  7. REDTred — Ah, but how can the wife be expected to do that for her husband if SHE is used to having all the calls done for HER by her parents?

    I just think I would like someone who is capable of being a responsible adult, not a helpless child. And allowing someone else to make all the phone calls and arrangements does make one seem somewhat helpless.

    Bad4 — I understand, but why can a single not set something up for him/herself?

  8. Different strokes for different folks” as my grandmother would say. There isN’T ONE WAY to do things all the time! Of course, this concept runs deeper because isn’t that the whole idea of the 12 tribes of Israel?

  9. Ooh so my novel gets a mention despite it not being published yet ๐Ÿ˜‰

    I try to leave dealing with the shadchan to my family, because otherwise I get burnt out, plain and simple. It’s enough work dating, add hundreds of phone calls on top of that, and I really would flip!
    But what I really want is a secretary, think how useful that would be for a dater..

  10. So bad4, you go to college, the college has a Hillel, the Hillel presumably has “frum” people. Where’s the crime in someone “arranging” a date there?

    Indeed, you probably shouldn’t talk to a shadchan (or shadchanit) because for them it is a business i.e. 1 pair of pants + 1 dress = shadchunis.

    Thus they don’t have your interests at heart. Your parents do and presumably protect you from the vissistudes (sp?) of going through the negotiations.

    Hopefully, some fine family friend will have a fine young man for you and a match will be made. Just hang in there, enjoy life meanwhile and don’t agonize.

    I have high hopes for you and many of the gang that hangs out here and comment on these posts you’re all bright kids and your time will come just don’t be rattled and take the time to learn and savor what you are living. (Probably there are occasional awful dates — but mekol melamdai hiskalti) You can and should put those in perspective and maybe get an entertaining blog post out of it.

  11. Sure a single can set up his/her own dates. If you want to walk across the room and ask out an oreo, go ahead. I think that’s a great way to not go on a date, personally. But you can also go a more roundabout route on your own. Been there, done that.

    It’s vicissitudes.

    But if there are shadchanim to speak to, then you’re doing it traditionally, then go whole hog on the tradition and let the parents do it. A good excuse to shrug off an awkward conversation, in my opinion.

  12. REDTred – while I suppose it happens somewhere, I have never heard of women making doc appts for their husbands. That is incredibly bizarre. There often tends to be a division of labor that perhaps organically grows within each household – mothers tend to make doctor appts for the children while the husband may be more involved with car repair appointments. But I have never heard of a spouse making a doc appt for the other unless one is disabled.

    Bad4 – probably asking an oreo directly is a way to not go out on a date. But asking a colored-shirted YU guy might work. Anyway, to expand the Hillel idea, Chaim was probably talking about asking someone to set you up with the guy across the room. Or even – gasp – meeting someone (even if it’s accidentally-on-purpose) and having him ask YOU out.

  13. Ooh Yosef, do tell us how we can get guys to ask US out! Now that would be something worth knowing. As a BY girl the only training I got was how to ignore men, not encourage them. It’s a problem, sigh.

  14. Flipping, there is more chance a woman will be turned off/ scared off more than a man if a man approaches her rather than if a woman approaches him.

    I believe this has been discussed before and some, like princess lea, would not mind the guy approaching, yet I believe she is of the open (i.e. she voiced her opinion) minority.

  15. FNF, I believe that there was a post earlier about flirting. As a male, I have no actual experience with this, but I hear it is done ๐Ÿ™‚

    In a serious vein, probably having a normal conversation in a neutral environment with the ingredients of smiling, laughing, talking intelligently, and somehow worming your single status into the mix would be a step in the right direction. If the guy is too dense, then either 1) you don’t want him, or 2) you can find a friend to give him a kick in the pants.

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