Tell Me Why… Wait, Don’t… No, Do…

I’m of mixed feelings about hearing detailed explanations for why you’ve been dumped.

On the one hand, there’s always the chance that you’re completely clueless about something and you desperately need to be told about it, and maybe even you’re pathetic enough that you ought to be directed to a dating coach (dear God).

On the other hand, you might just be asking to be insulted.

And on yet a third hand (if you haven’t got one, borrow from a neighbor), you’re just asking to drive yourself crazy.

Because you’ll probably get some vague impression like “not my type,” “not long-term compatible,” or “didn’t seem to be enjoying” and then you’ll spend the rest of the week picking over every moment of the date trying to figure out what you said that wasn’t his type or  that insinuated that you weren’t enjoying yourself or suggested that your goals were different when you thought they were identical.

Was it when you hesitated to order an appetizer because you weren’t sure if he was just being polite or if he wanted one himself or… or was it the time you played  devil advocate and thought it was obvious but maybe it wasn’t? Or maybe the time you said that you wanted to go slum touring in Jakarta?

And so on. You’ll just drive yourself nuts trying to figure out where you went wrong.

And then again, on a fourth hand, this can be beneficial. Because by the time you’ve finished canvassing every second of the 3-hour date (10,800 seconds) for the point where you erred, you’ll have concluded that your date – far from being the Mr. Perfect you thought he was – is a conclusion-jumping, nit-picking moron, and you’re better off without him, so there.

And that can’t be all bad, can it?


16 thoughts on “Tell Me Why… Wait, Don’t… No, Do…

  1. theres one simple answer. He wasn’t attracted. If it feels so right… but he says no…. use the answer. Move on. Don’t waste your brain waves thinking about it. :-/

  2. I think there should always be a reason given, the longer you went out the more detailed. If you only went out 1 or 2 times, it doesn’t really make much of a difference. After 3+ dates, it’s far more important, whichever side does the breaking off should at least make up a plausible reason. Going on six dates and being dumped without a detailed reason, can really mess with someones head, as you can probably tell from my blog ;(

  3. I have found that one can’t win in these sort of situations. I used to be a Chatty-Kathy dater, then realized that the dudes didn’t like it, so I became quieter, okay with the silences that may happen. Perhaps I am now accused of not talking enough. I’ve decided my bashert will think I am juuuuuust right.

  4. Bz- That works for a guy. Does that work if it’s a girl dumping the guy?

    BJG- A dump after the first or second date does not require an explanation. “I’m not interested” is enough.

  5. And on yet a third hand (if you haven’t got one, borrow from a neighbor)

    🙂 not just dating advice on this blog, but counting advice! Just what I needed!

  6. I’m guessing it was the comment you made to the effect that you were willing to do the drive home if he wanted to get drunk…. 😉

  7. Jug: “I’m not interested” is an explanation, just not a detailed one, that’s fine for the first two dates. How would “She looks exactly like my first cousin” rate as an explanation? I actually went on a date with a girl who looked like my cousin once and I wondered what she would think if I was honest about it, I decided not to find out.

  8. I guess there’s 2 questions here:

    1) after the first 2 dates

    2) after many dates.


    1) See above.

    2) As mentioned, this should be detailed and reasons should be given. Its really unfair otherwise. :-/

  9. As Rav Goldvicht tells the guys in his dating shiur, we realy don’t have a “right” to know why a girl may turn us down for another date. The way he puts it is: “She doesn’t like you, so gamarnu,” or something to that extent. That doesn’t mean we don’t have a right to feel upset, it’s just that in the long run, short-term shidduchim don’t really have that much meaning as to why it was ended (and as many have said, it’s probably something to do with looks or personality).

    I had one friend who was dating someone, they decided to drop the shadchan (which is usually a good sign) and she broke up with him in person on the next date! I don’t think that’s the norm at all – but they did talk it over regarding why she thought it wasn’t going to work out.

    I agree with what others mentioned above regarding that a lengthier shidduch would require a discussion regarding the why – a simply cut and run doesn’t work when you’ve established a budding relationship. At that point, the other person deserves some sort of conversation, for future reference, or so as not to prolongue the greater sense of agony form the termination of what had looked like a real relationship.

  10. If it doesn’t work out after one date it’s not important to find out why, if it doesn’t work out after say 3 or more then you should find out.

  11. “your date – far from being the Mr. Perfect you thought he was – is a conclusion-jumping, nit-picking moron, and you’re better off without him, so there”

    Wouldn’t we all be so much more at peace if we would really think like that? I mean REALLY think like that? ‘Cuz when it comes down to it, he did jump to a conclusion, and he is nit-picky, so why would I want to spend the rest of my life with him?

  12. I think even an explanation of “it’s not right for me” is better than nothing at all after one or two dates. When no explanation is given you start to imagine all sorts of silly reasons.

  13. Why must we be so brutally hard on ourselves? “you’ve been dumped.”
    It conjures up an image of someone sitting forlornly on the top of heaps of trash.
    Really! Nobody said you were useless trash!
    Just that you’re not for him/her.
    Let’s try, first of all, to give ourselves more respect.
    You know you deserve more respect.
    Now smile and look forward to new experiences as life goes on.
    Ban the “d” word, I say.

  14. Once I insisted on finding out and to this day – more than seven years later – am not sure if I was glad to find out or not. At the moment it felt good to know that there was a reason, in the long run – who knows?

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