I’m an Issue

Good4, bless her little heart, is a few months shy of entering the big wide world of dating. The parents, bless them, say that I’ve demonstrated why to marry children off young. Which is a little silly, since Good4 isn’t the slightest bit like me, but nobody is objecting, because Good4 (unlike me) actually wants to be married before she’s six months out of seminary.

Anyway, Good4’s intro to Being A Single came on chol hamoed. She pelted down the stairs shouting my name. “Do you know what Abba has in his email account about you?” she asked, breathless.

“Um, no,” I answered, wondering what it could possibly be already. My tax records? Incriminating emails from scandalized people who have seen me walking into hotels with men? RSS email feed? Cherished letters from my seminary days?

“A folder called ‘Bad4 Issues,’” Good4 declared. “And I have one called ‘Good4 Issues.’ But Best4’s is called ‘Best4 Family.’ Can you believe it?”

Well, yes. “It’s because he’s married,” I explained. I didn’t mean it like that. I meant that our folders couldn’t be called “[whoever] family” because we didn’t have a family. Of our own, I mean. Also, Best4’s folder was probably full of photos and videos of the kinfauna, whereas ours were probably full of tax documents, scandalized-witness emails, and poorly spelled letters from seminary, hastily tapped out on a palm-top computer while eating falafel in Ben Yehuda.

But Good4 was puzzled by her first apparent run-in with marriage discrimination. “Because we’re single we’re issues? Does Also4 have an ‘Issues’ file too?” she wondered aloud.

“Yes he does,” confirmed Mr. Shidduchim, who had followed her down the stairs at a more sedate pace, befitting the dignity of his age and position in the household. “You are all issues until you’re married. Then you’re still issues—but you’re somebody else’s.”

Ding! She got it. She laughed. Can you tell she’s new to the game?

19 thoughts on “I’m an Issue

  1. LOL, so you’re a liablity to your sister then. If so she’s a liability to you so let her know that.

    “You are all issues until you’re married. Then you’re still issues—but you’re somebody else’s” -LOL, what a wonderful way of helping a shrink make money, say would that count as Chesed/Tzedakah?

  2. Is Mr. shidduchim Mrs. Shidduchim’s issue or his issues’ issue. I know we are our kids issues. What will they ever do about their hopeless and clueless progrenitors.

  3. I think it’s the reality of life. It’s such a big pressure to marry off your kids and to do so fast, that the longer you sit the bigger issue you become. I think it would serve us alot better if we could get past that frenzy. Being single is really not that terrible of a thing.

  4. parents should stop being involved. with every passing peer’s divorce, i hope and pray the parents are watching.

  5. Thanks for reminding me that I owe The Parents some pictures.

    Im yirtzah Hashem by you. Soon. Right after we break the glass, we’ll change the folder name. 😉


  6. last i checked, neither of you will intentionally break a glass under any chuppa.

    and, because it drives me crazy:

    ani ertzeh
    ata tirtzeh
    at tirtzi

    that’s right. yirtzeh.

  7. um, please tell me you’re kidding. after you do that, please conjugate “yirtzah”. that’s right, it isn’t a word.

  8. Right – I sit corrected. Whatever. Throw it in the pot with mispronounced words like “shaleshudes” and “yontiff.”

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