Just Reel in Your Nose!

Conversation:

Other Person: “There’s something funny going on with her.”

Me: “Why would you say that?”

OP: “Well, she’s 24 and she’s not dating yet.”

Me: “Maybe she doesn’t have anyone to date.”

OP: “No, she doesn’t want to date. I asked.”

Me: “Okay, so she probably has her reasons.”

OP: “She says she isn’t ready yet.”

Me: “Right, so?”

OP: “She’s 24 and she isn’t ready to get married yet? I’m sorry, but normal maturity is that most people are ready to get married, especially in our community where you expect it. Obviously there’s something funny going on with her.”

Me: [no answer] So you’re saying what, exactly? Wait, don’t tell me because, quite frankly, I don’t want to know. What I want to know is: why are you even thinking about this, let alone telling me about it?

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17 thoughts on “Just Reel in Your Nose!

  1. That is so closed minded. I hate when people make up assumptions of others just based on what their perceptions are. “Oh, there must be something wrong with him, because he isn’t living his life the exact same way that I am.”

    AAHHHHHH!!!

  2. omg! My ex-chattan should not have dated me or gotten engaged to me or to anyone else on this planet fit to be called normal and humane!

    He needs to work on serious psychological issues which he was covering up,his own family was unware of , and rationalized that marriage would take him out of his miserable life thus far!

    I give credit to people who understand themselves and honest in their abilities in handling a marriage.

  3. beentheredonethat- you’ve just agreed with “other person” and by extension disagreed with bad4. just wanted to point that out.
    bad4 i think your taking the persons statements out of context. normally people her age are dating in your community. she’s not. thats abnormal in your community. hence this person wasn’t acting normally and thus something funny must be happening. its not that complicated really.

  4. I never understood why people say “I’m sorry” when they obviously aren’t.

    The sheep of society can never comprehend such things. Maturity has nothing to do with marriage; little children want to and do get married, simply for the party and such. I’m sure we all know a number of un-adults who wed and have bouncing babies, without the benefits of maturity.

    The female in question may have a number of reasons that can fall under the category of “Not ready yet.” Anywho, she has no obligation to wed.

    I was thinking of a story that Rabbi Yisroel Reisman regarding Rav Pam. Rabbi Reisman wanted to redt a gal to a 36 year old guy, and asked Rav Pam’s opinion. Rav Pam told him to hold off; the feller in question had just had a broken engagement, and wouldn’t be ready. Two years later Rav Pam told Rabbi Reisman to redt it; the ex-fiance had gotten married, so the guy would abandon hope of a relationship with her and date with the right frame of mind.

    And that was for a dude, who’s got the mitzvah!

    There shouldn’t be one size fits all to shidduchim.

  5. Princess Lea – It is still a bit strange not to even be dating at 24. There was something going on for the guy which is why he wasn’t dating.

    Bad4- You agree that the observation was correct but have a problem that it is part of a conversation and that OP was drawing conclusions based on the observation?

  6. If it were a man who said he wanted to concentrate fully on learning or get further along in med school or law school, it would be considered acceptable. Shadchanim may still wish to push him a bit, but they wouldn’t say, “Are you crazy?” For a woman, though, they would outright say that she is limiting her options. Unfortunately, that is the case. I’m reading a book now about that happening even in the secular world for women in their 30s. Given that in that society, 23 is still considered on the young side to marry, the age disadvantage kicks in at a much earlier point in frum circles.

  7. Ariella – The shadchanim get on the guys backs a lot, even if they are trying to concentrate fully on learning or whatever!

  8. TzP – the shadchanim get on the guys’ backs because they want to collect a fee, not because the guys are abnormal.

  9. TzP – Well, I am referring to non-professional shadchanim and rebbeim. If a guy isn’t dating at 25 or 26 they will definitely sit them down and speak to them, ask them whats going on, perhaps even send them for therapy. I know the girls have every yenta speaking to them, but the men are willing to let things like that go the guys rebbeim won’t.

  10. Sorry, didn’t mean to direct that to myself 🙂 that was meant to be in response to tesyaa

  11. This seems like a strange and sad conversation with an overt busybody. True, 24 may objectively put her at a disadvantage, but she may be focusing on other things that have been mentioned, like career/education. She’ll find her mental clarity in due time and date as well as marry when she’s ready to, G-d willing.

  12. Shades- Agreed, There is a potential value in causing a slight shake up in the other person who may not have thought about what they were doing or why.

  13. TzP: The observation that it is normal to be dating at 24 and she is not dating is true and I do not argue it. What I argue is making it one’s business to think further, saying “Therefore she is not behaving normally” and then following that with “Therefore, she must not be normal.” You don’t know, and it’s simply not your business. Don’t speculate. Let a girl live her life however she wants to without passing judgement.

    One more thing – as beenthere points out, even if there is an unusual cause, it might be a good unusual. As noted above, you have no idea, so you shouldn’t be thinking about it.

  14. I’m sure this gal has her reasons. It may not be that she is abnormal, but abnormal circumstances are in her way.

    There are people who date for a very, very, very long time, and don’t wed until their 30’s, or later. Are things bashert or not? If this girl postpones dating, for whatever reasons, is that worse then a situation where one dates fruitlessly for years? While, of course, if she would have dated she may not necessarily date endlessly, at least she’s honest enough to deal with whatever is going on in her life first, instead of maybe some who date thinking marriage a cure-all.

  15. so basicly bad4, what you are saying is that people shouldn’t talk about other people. that its lashon hara. mazel tov, you were mchavein to the the torah.

  16. There is only one way to answer people like this: NOYB!!!

    The 24 year old lady may or may not be dating, she may have answered sincerely or she may have just been trying to get that nudnikit out of her face. Either way she really shouldn’t have to be interrogated by yentas.

    Even if she does have a juicy, gossipy reason for not dating- health, halachic, psychological, sexual orientation…. thats all the more reason for people NOT to gossip and speculate about it.

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