Answer the Rhetorical Question

What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking all the time whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last?
~ Jerry Seinfeld

Follow-up Question: What was the most honest/bluntest/rudest thing you’ve ever been tempted to say on a date?


43 thoughts on “Answer the Rhetorical Question

  1. “I hate your glasses.”

    Ended up getting engaged to him!

    And went out with him to buy new glasses a few weeks later…

  2. Probably “you have a nose hair sticking out” (it was pretty gross) but I held back. I did tell one girl that I used to have a crush on one of her good friends, apparently she though that was weird lol

  3. OK people, no “and now we’re married” stories. The point is “horror stories”…right?

    Worst thing I’ve ever been tempted to say (but didn’t) is to point out that she was giggling/laughing at things that simply weren’t funny, every 30 seconds. It was nervous laughter, sure, but it annoyed me.

    I didn’t say anything, and we didn’t get married.

  4. An (unfortunately relevant) modification of the Seinfeld question: “What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking all the time whenever it came to them? How many blind dates would actually ever happen?”

  5. I wondered when seeing a date ordering Diet Coke if he was diabetic. I didn’t ask. It turned out he was. Another sign is going to the bathroom a lot b/c they are actually taking readings. But don’t always assume so; it could just be the guy drank too much Diet Coke, and that he wants to save the calories on his drinks.

  6. Note on previous comment: this date went to some lengths to hide his condition from all the girls he went out with until he figured he had reached a serious stage. That strategy backfired on him a few times, but he did succeed in getting married.

  7. Tempted. The closest I ever came to making a nasty comment like that was when I politely declined a walk after the date. He still didn’t get the drift!

  8. i get frank with them after it’s over, telling them exactly where they screwed up, and even if they’re the one ending it. they may end up marrying my friends, and no one else is training them.

    some highlights:

    1- “it is not okay to wait four days to call, nor is it okay to call after 10:30pm, especially when last time you did you woke me up and knew it” (this in response to a call to end it, at 10:45pm, four days after the first date)

    2- “you cannot expect to learn communication by dating. that’s what having friends all your life is for. it’s unfair to anyone you date to practice on them. what’s the point of a second date if there can be no progress because we’re not communicating? i explicitly told you ‘[topic] doesn’t interest me in the least’, and you said ‘yeah’ and kept on talking about it. what were you thinking?”

    of course only shadchan-free protocol has this luxury.

  9. chan – From the male (lowercase) perspective, it’s really not easy to tell what a girl’s motivations are for declining additional activities. Maybe she’s tired, has an early morning tomorrow, isn’t feeling well, needs a bathroom, whatever. Try to view these things from our perspective.

  10. I actually had a girl tell me on a second date all the things i did wrong on the first, and really appreciated it. Granted, we both knew it wasn’t going anywhere (I only said yes after one because I, stupidly, mentioned that I almost always give it a second shot) but her honesty was refreshing…

  11. Male- that was the bluntest thing I’ve ever been tempted to say on a date, just answering the question. Married just explaings the fact how that could be the worst- he was the only guy I ever dated.

  12. yeah, the guys i’m frank with generally do appreciate it. one even started stalking me afterwards. i’ve vowed not to continue to expend energy on improving other people in a case where there’s no ROI, but it hasn’t happened yet.

  13. a) theres a movie about where everyone tells the truth. quite interesting.

    b) MCP, the girl had a nose hair sticking out?? I thoughts that limited to us guys… now thats scary!

    c) about the “this is not going to work” Maybe there should be a system. Each one walks in w/ 2 cards, one yes & one no. they spend 5 minutes, then each one gives the card to a 3rd party. If both say no, everyone goes home. All other options means they stay to finish the date. Whatdya think?

  14. Bz- Yups, it drove me crazy the whole date. And obviously, was less than attractive. Lesson to all you girls- double check the mirror!!!

    Also, your proposal is also known as the Lemon Law, except there’s no 3rd party involved, and wouldn’t really work in the “system” a) the first 5 minutes really don’t dictate the whole date- it can start well and end bad or vice versa; b) take the person being “lemon law”ed feelings into account, and realize that if you diss someone on a date they will repeat bad things about you to their friends which will kill your rep; and c) what 3rd party are you introducing? I don’t want any chaperoning done on my dates…

  15. The worst thing I ever actually said on a date: “Your eyeliner is running.”Is that really so bad?

    BZ, I think the movie you’re referring to is called “The invention of Lying.” And yes, it did have a first date scene. That was the first thing I thought after seeing it. If life was like that, Shidduch dating would a wacky experience.

  16. “take me home if ur so bored”
    i’ve been tempted but been told that its rude….
    but this is still in the realm of normalcy ….

  17. the third party would be before the “date” like when you’d pick her up or something. And the point is that no feelings would be hurt – date is called off ONLY if both parties feel it will go nowhere. If its a yes + no, then date is still on. The party that said yes thinks the other side said yes too, bc the date is still on.

    Ok maybe that wouldn’t work well… but I’ve always wondered about it.. 🙂

  18. Anon- acting overtly bored is ruder. i say go for it.

    Male- i’m glad to hear someone isn’t intimidated by it. i’ve been accused of your modification to the seinfeld question, and by my boss. i replied that he has no idea what i’m filtering 🙂

  19. GP, I’m not sure what you mean. I was making a reference to the fact that if references for a guy/girl would always say whatever they were thinking, the person doing the checking will definitely be able to find something to nix the shidduch, because their son/daughter is perfect, of course. I believe Bad4 has covered this numerous times.

  20. You could go on a blind date without any research, and then say whatever pops into your head during the date. That would be awesome.

  21. Male- didn’t catch that, but your nusach does make more sense that way, and my comment makes more sense regarding the original quotation. even more bizarre, i’ve acted as a reference for a male acquaintance, having to answer questions like “so, what are his faults?” and “why did this guy’s mother list a single girl as a reference?”

  22. I’m not sure which one of those questions is stupider. People asking questions have to think what would happen if THEY were asked some of those questions about someone for whom they’re acting as a reference, and realize how unanswerable some of these questions are.

  23. I have to say, it does seem a drop sketchy if there is a single girl on a guy’s profile/resume as a reference…obviously that would depend somewhat on the community etc, but still…

  24. You’re right, MCP, it does look kind of sketchy. But in the same way that you can’t ask “so what are his faults,” you can’t ask “so how sketchy is this guy,” because you can’t expect someone to tell you sketchy things. Again, people should realize to only ask questions that they’re be able to answer, themselves, about people they know.

  25. Right, so asking a female reference “why does he have a single girl as a reference” is a pretty fair question- could be there is some plausible explanation, and if there is, presumably she would know it. “what are his faults” is just a stupid question to ask- even if one of my references knows my faults, why would they share that information with a stranger who is judging every single word that is said about me.

  26. I gues you’re right about the female reference thing. And that’s exactly my point about the “faults” question.

    As an aside: GP, is there actually a non-sketchy explanation? 🙂

  27. Conversation:

    Date sits and texts away on his cellphone. “Sorry, i don’t mean to be rude”
    Me: “Actually, you’re being extremely rude”
    Date: “Well, it’s not like we were talking”
    Me: “Perhaps, if you put your phone down and stopped texting other people, we would be having a conversation”

    Needless to state, the date ended.

    As a side point, the bar tender was horrified by my date’s rude behaviour and gave me a free drink…so i guess there are plus sides to everything!

  28. hahaha i also though it bizarre that this guy’s mother should list me as a reference, being that i’m single, female, and not charedi. we were in school together, so i probably spent more time talking to him than many of his more passent options, and she felt i’d be a good character reference. i answered the first question (posed by an israeli father), after a moment’s thought, with “he’s not that into israel and has never been there” (i think he went on birthright after that), and the second (actually posed by the mother of someone i’d met and whose family mine knew of) with “i have no idea either, so take this information as you wish”.

    he got married a few years back, without any participation on my end.

  29. Doesn’t the fact that he’s referencing the girl take at least some of the ‘sketchiness’ out of it? If he listed her I think it’s obvious he’s got nothing to hide or be ashamed of. Well, unless you’re dealing with someone of rather limited intelligence.

  30. CMS- I had that with a girl who actually came down the stairs texting, walked over to her mother and whispered fora minute before even aknowledging that I was there. She was fine for most of the date, until we left the restuarant, at which point she asked if she could tell her friend she was on her way home. She then spent the next hour texting (although she did talk to me too)…some people just don’t care.

    GuessWho- I agree it takes away some of the sketchiness, but something is very strange if there is a single girl on a guy’s resume. I would love to be able to put one on- I think she would make a great reference, answer all the questions right- but I know that it looks way to wierd and people would never understand. Forget “Judge not, lest you be judged by others”. These days it’s “Judge away, they are judging you too”.l

  31. That being said, I try to refrain from judging, in the hopes that I will find that one girl who doesn’t judge.

  32. This discussion reminds me of a girl I went out with once maybe 20 or 25 years ago. I took her to dinner at a milchigs place in Brooklyn (maybe Katz’s, maybe someplace else) and then we walked around a little and talked. She was a little “flighty” and the conversation veered all over the place, but still was at least somewhat interesting. At some point she says “you are too bald for me, not my type”, of course I was dumbfounded because people don’t usually say what they are really thinking while on a date. I, being the quintessential “nice guy”, didn’t say anything in response (even though she was no beauty herself, far from it) and simply steered the conversation elsewhere. A few minutes later, she asks me to take her out for ice cream on the way home. On the way to the ice cream place, she informs me that there wouldn’t be a second date in our future. And guess what? I got her the ice cream anyway 🙂 At the time, I was somewhat hurt, but with time I considered that ice cream to be her reward for being entirely truthful on a first date.

  33. That’s overstepping it a little…it’s one thing to be honest, but i would never tell a girl she wasn’t pretty enough for me…and to ask you to take her for ice cream after crosses the line way over into disgusting. Given the time frame, I reallyyy hope that I do not date her daughter…

  34. Things my overactive, perceptive brain was itching to point out on a variety of dates with a variety of men:

    – You’re intensely boring, how will i survive this one? Be polite and chit chat my way through it or spring for it and make an excuse to end it early??

    – Wake up, look interested. This is not a soliloquy.

    – dude, chest hair is not attractive. Please wear an undershirt.

    – Did you know there’s lots of hair on the OUTSIDE of your ears? It ain’t in style these days. Nor is it attractive – especially when the sun highlights it. As much as I like you, it grosses me out!

    – Tooth whitening is relatively inexpensive these days. It will do you wonders.

    – Wipe that goofy look off your face and say something already

    – well, im only going to order something cheaper than what you order so you don’t grumble abt spending too much so cmon just tell me what youll be ordering already so i can choose appropriately

  35. Bred – – You’re intensely boring, how will i survive this one? Be polite and chit chat my way through it or spring for it and make an excuse to end it early??

    Don’t be polite and chit chat, that’s boring. Spur the conversation in new directions to explore each others thoughts on various issues. If I’m still boring, don’t accept another date (if I ask).

    – dude, chest hair is not attractive. Please wear an undershirt.

    When we begin sleeping together, I can almost guarantee that I won’t be wearing an undershirt, and I definitely won’t be shaving my chest, so get over it, and if you can’t get over it, well … bye.

    – Did you know there’s lots of hair on the OUTSIDE of your ears? It ain’t in style these days. Nor is it attractive – especially when the sun highlights it. As much as I like you, it grosses me out!

    Realize that men don’t groom (read as “eliminate”) their hair as much as women do. Heck, men hardly eliminate any hair at all on a regular basis (other than perhaps the beard and an occasional haircut). Women, on the other hand, are experts on hair elimination, from the face to the legs, and many nether regions in between.

    – Tooth whitening is relatively inexpensive these days. It will do you wonders.

    Vanity … is not becoming in a man.

    – Wipe that goofy look off your face and say something already


    – well, I’m only going to order something cheaper than what you order so you don’t grumble abt spending too much so c’mon just tell me what you’ll be ordering already so i can choose appropriately

    Why not just order what you like so I can begin to learn the things that you prefer so I can more easily plan for future dates?

    Written in the first person by a married guy 🙂

  36. I’m so with you on the chest hairs… And yeah – I don’t think guys realize that we’re waiting for them to take the lead on the ordering thing. They think they’re being gentlemanly and letting us go first.
    Mark – if vanity means grooming, then yes, it very much becomes a man. You’re only kidding yourself if you think otherwise.

    And since we are considerate souls who don’t want to bankrupt our dates, who we understand spend quite a lot to take us out, we will order what we like… and what matches or falls under the price of whatever you get.

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