I’ll Tell You Why… Or Maybe Not.

In the name of preserving feelings we usually don’t give completely honest reasons for saying no to a further date. The parsimonious phrases we provide the shadchan do not really do justice to our feelings, and often mask more interesting issues than our word choice makes apparent. Some reasons I’ve chosen not to date further:

Not the same wavelength – We just didn’t seem to understand each other. He took my jokes seriously and I didn’t recognize a single one of his cultural references. I don’t need a guy who understands what I mean if I answer “how are you” with “my circadian rhythm needs adjusting.” But I do need a guy who can tell that I’m kidding when I bring up my chulent-flavored popsicle business plan.

No chemistry – I just don’t… I just can’t see… eugh. Just not interested in taking it further, okay?

Not my type – Yes, there are types. We’re not the same type. And I know that opposites attract, so I guess we weren’t opposites either. If types can be arranged in a circle, maybe we’re at 65-degree angles. Or 130 degrees. Some awkward angles that just don’t complement each other. Like trying to connect cheetahs and lions. Yeah they’re both cats, and yeah we’re both nerds, but very different types. Forget it. Not happening.

It just didn’t go well – Read: Boring. Maybe conversation flowed, but I don’t remember it. My eyes were glazing over – wait, was it about his thesis exploring the scientific potential for Star Trek-inspired technology? He’s a nice guy, but not for me. Except at bedtime. Then he’d probably be handy.

Not for me – Meaning, he’s a jerk. If that was his best behavior I’d hate to see him on a bad day. Not amusing, though I’m sure he intended it that way. Or maybe he didn’t. Maybe he quite solemnly ignores his dates, mocks strangers, and torments the busboy as a matter of course. Which is even scarier.

Not for me – He’s wonderful. He knows it. Yuck.

Not what I’m looking for – Listen, a girl has some needs in a marriage. I don’t want a guy I can walk all over. I don’t think it would be good for either of us. And I don’t want a guy who is too much like me – I think one of us is more than enough in a couple. And not somebody who I can’t respect – yeah, sorry, but I thought that other one was a waste of space. A charming waste of space, but a waste nonetheless. He should offer to pay for his oxygen. Maybe this is all very vague, but I can tell that this guy is just not going to work long term. But thanks for thinking of me.

I just don’t see it – What the heck were you thinking?!?!?


8 thoughts on “I’ll Tell You Why… Or Maybe Not.

  1. No way…I totally thought of the chulent popsicle idea first…don’t even think of trying to steal that one…it’s already under patent AND trademark…:)

    I personally like using the complexity vague “just didn’t click” which some sort of mix of no chemistry and didn’t go well.

    My question is, what exactly is the difference between no chemistry and didn’t go well? One is just no physical attraction and the other no personality?

    If it is, I must be uglier than I believed my handsome self to be…I get the no chemistry one a lot. It can’t be…I used to be a hand model. Oh wait…:p

  2. I had a great time but she’s not for me- listen random woman who i have never met yet insists on calling my house and cell phone repeatedly to get me to go out with your niece/neighbor/assorted girls whom you have also never met, you don’t know me from Adam and your attempt, goodhearted as it was, has failed. And one more thing- next time you redd someone a shidduch, don’t try to control everything. Things that fall under that category include turning down a pre-date phone call without asking the girl first, and nixing potential dates, also without checking with the girl. When I ask if she minds going out to eat, actually ask her, don’t just tell me it’s better not to.

    K I’m done ranting

  3. When a sweet, well-meaning individual sets you up with someone after 6 months of obscure questions to establish compatibility, and so follows one of the worst dates of my experience . . . I said “He’s not for me,” praying that the squalling of my niece in the background would ensure a swift end to the matter.

    Not so.

    I was still pressed for details. What was I to say? EVERYTHING was off? He should not be unleashed unto an unsuspecting public? He should have his driver’s license revoked, while we’re on the subject?

    I took the high road. Literally – I bolted.

  4. ye… maybe this “dictionary” should be passed out to shadchanim. They almost ALWAYS pry for details. Soon to be released: the “no, I’m done” list including full paragraphs of vague information.


  5. OK, it’s time for me to weigh in.

    Not only am I not asking you why you don’t want to go out again, I don’t even want to know! You are entitled to say no, no questions asked – I don’t need to hear the dirt.

    Please, don’t tell me you find him repulsive. Then I will just cringe when I try to set him up with someone else. And if you tell that “even an average-looking girl deservse better-looking than him”, I will just think less of you.

    Don’t tell me “tell him he should have done x and y, but don’t tell him I told you he didn’t”. Do you really think he is not going to wonder how I know?

    Don’t tell me how annoying you found her mother – do you really think that is constructive?

    So by all means, say no. I am not telling you who to marry or even to date. But keep your complaints to yourself, unless you honestly think they are constructive.

  6. An important point,The Cholent flavor is not yours it exists as does Herring Flavor in an Ice cream store in Queens I forget whats its called

  7. Max and Minna’s! mmm…

    it is totally and completely fair to say “no”

    And if they press, you can say ” I spoke to my Rebbi/Rebetzin/mentor… and we concluded its not a match”
    Why does the shadchan have to know the bad of the boy, and why do you have to share it? ugh

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