I was digging through a file where I keep interesting snippets and ideas that might come in handy some day. (I’m taking a creative writing class and need a good idea for a story.) While I was scrolling down, I came across a conversation that I transcribed that must have taken place on a Shabbos afternoon two or three years ago.
Scene: Bad4 is on the couch in the Shidduchim household reading a book. Good4 enters and sees her.
Good4: sighing Oh Bad4. We have to get you married.
Bad4: Why? Don’t you love the comforting and familiar sight of me on the couch?
Good4: I’d rather if you sat there with your husband.
Bad4: But then we’d take up twice the space and there wouldn’t be room for you.
Mr. Shidduchim: entering stage left But then at least we’d know that you’ll get up eventually.
Bad4: makes a face Oh no you don’t. Starting now I’m not getting off the couch.
Mr S: Bad-4!
Good4: You really need a husband. sighs again and turns to leave the room
Bad4: shouting after Make sure he doesn’t need too much exercise! Cuz we’ve got a couch to occupy together!
It’s the kind of absurd little quarrel you have on a long Shabbos afternoon and technically, it’s a long forgotten one. But it doesn’t really need to be. It could easily have happened last week.
When I first came back from summer vacation it was like being hit in the face with dating. Good4 informed me that I had two months to get married or else. My mother wanted to know if I could go out with someone tomorrow… no, I needed a haircut. How about in two days? And we resumed our sporadic wedding planning, this time agreeing that every placecard would have a pair of neon colored earplugs attached.
Good4 gives a gusty sigh. “You know,” she says, “It was so nice over the summer without you around. We didn’t talk about shidduchim once.”
I threw her a pointed glare and replied, “Funny, I also managed to go an entire summer without talking about shidduch once. How d’you suppose that happened?”
She had the good grace to blush and laugh and then informed me that I really do need to get married.
I should threaten to go to ground on the couch.
It should be noted that my father was mevatel my promise to stay on the couch forever and that is the reason I was able to resume a fully functioning life without turning into an Onion News skit.