Why I Need to Get Married Fast

My sister has given me a deadline. I have two months to get engaged.

I’ve pointed out that she’s being a tad unreasonable. Two months might be enough time for me, but that assumes I go out tomorrow and don’t lose any time for the yomim tovim. So she grudgingly gave me a bit of an extension: as long as I get engaged before she does I’m okay.

Yep, that’s what this is about. Good4 plans to start dating in two months (and since she’s the youngest, the parents are not protesting) and she wants my dating parsha wrapped up with a satin bow before hers is. Because she plans to marry the first guy she goes out with. (I hope someone lets him know about this beforehand…) And she plans to do it with the minimum amount of time dating. So I have maybe three months.

I’ve told Good4 that I really wouldn’t mind if she got engaged and married first. I’d be very happy for her and wouldn’t dampen my pillow at night in the slightest. We are two very different people, and I’d be a fool to measure my life against hers. She certainly doesn’t measure hers against mine. But she says that’s not what it’s about at all. I’m 24 and that’s really old enough. I ought to be married by now, so would I please get a move on?

I can’t argue with her. I remember being in high school and thinking that a 23-year-old was pitifully old. And I’m a little freaked about being 24 myself. I mean, it’s almost a quarter century since I was born, and what do I have to show for it? Marriage, at least, is a quick fix for the doldrums.

The truth is, though, that I have no trouble believing that Good4 will marry the first guy she decides to marry (and he won’t know what hit him), and that does leave us in a tight race – but not the race she’s thinking. You see, it isn’t that the person who gets married first is the winner so much as that the person who’s left at home is the loser. It’s like this:

Right now there are a definite amount of chores that need doing and two of us at home to do them. When one person leaves, the quantity of chores that need doing does not reduce (though the amount of each may decrease); only the hands available to do them does.

Whoever gets married first takes on an entire household of chores, so that’s not exactly winning. (But those chores are tempered by the excitement of keeping one’s own home, so it’s not exactly losing either.)

Whoever gets left behind is going to get stuck with double the chores to do in boring old home. That’s twice the table setting and clearing, twice the dishwashing, twice the garbage-taking-outting… Seriously – can you think of a worse fate?

Now I feel driven to get married!

Bring on the gentlemen callers!

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17 thoughts on “Why I Need to Get Married Fast

  1. I mean, it’s almost a quarter century since I was born, and what do I have to show for it?

    You’re not serious, right?

    Whoever gets left behind is going to get stuck with double the chores to do in boring old home.

    There’s always Washington Heights or a single girls’ share in Passaic 🙂

  2. What tesyaa said in the first quote. Like if you were married, then you would have so much to show for your almost quarter of a century? A ring on your finger means major accomplishments? I think you know better than that.

  3. I knew that one was going to get misunderstood. I guess I phrased it wrong, but that’s how it seems. Not that marriage is an accomplishment so much as a milestone. It shows passage down the predetermined road of life. And it opens your options to other accomplishments.

  4. Yes, show some consideration, please. You’re going to ruin her big day. Your glaring singleness will be an affront to the Natural Order of Things, and a complete distraction. An embarrassment, even. All those pitying, mournful glances and furtive whispers. Really, now. (Tongue firmly in cheek)

  5. Don’t look at it as doing chores. Pretend you’re Cinderella and all the woodland creatures (wait, is that Snow White?) help you scrub the floor.

    Except for washing the occasional dish and maybe taking out the garbage every week or so, I don’t have chores. But I have annoying older siblings who think I don’t have an opinion. As spinsters are insane, you see. Otherwise, I would be married.

    Plus the niece who asks me when I’m going to get married. Everyone wants a party. I’ll show them. I’ll make them wear perfectly hideous dresses.

  6. My future mother-in-law is going to lose her biggest help in the kitchen when ASoG moves out. As such, she’s already training her little brother to cook (he’s barely 13). At any rate, we’ll hopefully find you a winner soon enough (G-d willing).

  7. after years of feeling the same way (what have i accomplished, even said in jest) i have finally realized that no matter the age, no matter the marital status or the level of education or number of kids, when a birthday rolls around everyone questions what have they to show for it

  8. Kaila had a good point, bad4. What happened this whole year?

    When I first read it, I thought it was garbage-taking outings. And I thought what kind of outings do you take garbage? From where? And what do you with this said garbage on said outings? And why exactly would they double with good4 out of the house?

    Sounds a lot worse than outings in the park….

  9. Now I feel driven to get married!

    Bring on the gentlemen callers!

    I’m booked in a manner of speaking, the less complicated things stay the better.

  10. Pingback: On Second Thought… « Bad for Shidduchim

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