Things I Have Not Said on a Date…

…but sometimes wish I had. I mean, it’s not like those dates went anywhere. I might as well have gotten something out of the experience.

“Mind if I jot down a few of these titles?”

The B&N date. There you are surrounded by shelves and shelves of books… okay, it very much raises your awareness of how many trees die for the sake of tripe, but what about the good stuff? Or the stuff that looks good? You can’t exactly pull The Hunger Games off the shelf to skim when you’ve got a guy to entertain. But would it be very rude to jot down the title and author of that book with the very clever cover over there?

“Can we get the inner tubes from your car and try that flume?”

This one occurred to me while putting at the lamest mini golf course in the world. I thought the fun of mini golf was hitting the ball through windmills and loop-the-loops and various other interesting obstacles. Not this course. It was 18 holes of 12 feet of blank fake turf. The most interesting thing was a fake stream coursing between the various stations. It reminded me of a water park slide. And it was long enough to afford a few seconds of sliding. If only…

“Just let me take off my heels and we’ll race.”

The Intrepid has a long flight deck. I’d probably have to work hard not to leave the average out-of-shape bochur embarrassingly behind, but it would be worth the effort. The other time I wanted to kick off the shoes and run: escalator racing in the mall. He takes the one going up; you take the one going down, and whoever gets to the top first wins. Only you can’t do that in cockroach killers. So you hand him your boots (he’s the gentleman after all) and take off.

“Would you mind admiring those violets for just a few minutes?”

There is one seriously deficiency to walk-in-the-park dates. You can’t actually do any fun park things when you’re wearing a short skirt and hosiery. It is sooo painful to walk past all those amazing climbing trees and not get a chance to give them a swing. Or a clamber. And seriously – what are sprawling, well-branched trees there for, if not climbing?

“Wheeeee!”

The Waldorf-Astoria has some amazing banisters leading up from its lobby. They’re wide enough that you can comfortably perch on them sidesaddle, and not so steep that you have to worry about flying off sans dignity… oh why didn’t I give them a whirl? I confess this is one thing I still regret and regularly kick myself over. If anyone finds themselves in the Waldorf-Astoria lobby on a date, carpe diem – take a ride down the banisters.


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30 thoughts on “Things I Have Not Said on a Date…

  1. I love your blog. I love your posts. But it’s kinda sad that in retrospect, you’ve gotten very little out of dating. Given the amount of time you’ve been dating, this seems to suggest that you find the people you date monumentally boring, and that they’re all largely the same: inadequate for your needs. Maybe you’re dating the wrong kind of people…If you think of all your frum married friends, do they have husbands the sort of which you’d love to meet yourself? If the answer is honestly and mainly no, perhaps it’s time to broaden the dating horizon to the sort of people you do want to date. Just a humble thought.

  2. Agree with #2 but that doesn’t mean (ala #3) that you have to date not frum folk.
    Frum, devout Jews do not only exist in the NY scene. I personally know plenty of single completely frum guys passionate about their faith (and halakha) who are smart, funny, fit, and go for just the kind of energetic spontaneity described by your quotes.

    As per #2… why always date in “short skirt and hosiery […and…] cockroach killers?” Maybe the kind of guy you’re looking for would be more interested in a style of dress more conducive to fun movement. On dates I’ve climbed trees, leapt through towering fountains, sprawled barefoot in the grass to watch the sun glint through a sprawling green canopy, come out of old bookstores with stacks so big I have to hold the top down with my chin as my arms stretch to their max… You’re trying to see if you’re going to spend the rest of your life with this person – why not live a little life with them and see if they can keep up?

  3. @ Deej since when do non drum people display more character? Or are smarter for that matter? I find that a stupid disgusting comment.

  4. In B&N, I would have said, “Oooooh, I soooo wanted to read this! Would it be okay if I just . . . ? Thanks, you have a pen?”

    However, as for the other lamented non-athletic excursions, having European parentage, displaying any sort of unseemly behavior in public (whether male or female) has been bred out of me.

    And I wear flats all the time. I can race.

  5. Deej- I respectfully disagree with the conclusion you reached from this post. How do you know that all of the guys that Bad4 has dated were the “wrong kind”? It is much more fun to write about bad/boring dates than it is to write about the good ones (and read :D)- good dates don’t make as good stories. Just because she’s dated her share of guys who wouldn’t understand her sense of humor doesn’t mean that she has “gotten very little out of dating.” On the contrary, I think that every person who you date who is NOT for you teaches you much more about what kind of person IS for you.

  6. So regarding your idea of racing on escalators…

    Heshy and I had landed in O’Hare and were taking the Moving Walkways to Baggage Claim. I decided this meant we had to race. He was holding a bekishe garment bag, wearing my backpack and carrying other shopping bags while I was just holding the one bag and a hat-box. We took off down the sliding black pavement and it was hilarious good fun (and he beat me). I recommend it to all.

  7. I raced up a huge down escalator in Penn Station on a date (she said there was no way i would, so i proceeded to prove her wrong) was a lot of fun

  8. If someone did any of those things while I was on a date with them, I would have to hold myself back from proposing at that moment. Though, I imagine that a bit of comportment is probably a wise decision, though not terribly fun.

  9. Ed – you’re my hero.

    Deej didn’t say anything about religious people and I don’t even see where it was implied. I’ve been out with fun people who are frum, but it’s a little hard to let loose with a perfect stranger on a formal date.

  10. I don’t know what is so rude about jotting down titles in b&n. or admiring violets. that’s why you went there, isn’t it? so if you had nothing else to talk about you’d have at least book titles and violets!

    regarding the other stuff, yes that would be rude. Not just to your date, but to every one else around.

    I guess that’s the rule to follow- engage in whatever is the appropriate expected behavior for your location, same that every one else engages in.

  11. Tesyaa,

    I’ve done and participated in all sorts of strange and unusual things BEFORE I was engaged and racing people on escalators/ moving walkways is the least of them…one day perhaps I should make a list.

    Huzzah.

  12. Katniss – I’m guessing by your name that you liked ’em! I only read the first one. There are 67 holds on book two and 304 on book three. But I really really enjoyed book one.

  13. I’ve offered before and now I’ll offer again – I will gladly JOIN you in any of said activities. Its a shame theres so few of like-minded people out there – why would you hide this amazing part of you because of stupid “protocol.”

    Unique people are looking for other unique people. Stop pretending you’re like the rest of those boring conventionals.

  14. Bz – Maybe not I’m not conventional, but I’m conservative enough not to go tubing in a mini-golf range or climb a tree in tights while on a date with someone I hardly know. Some things you save for people who are actually your friends. Which could be why I haven’t taken you up on the offer. Oh also, you’re male, and I only do men on dates.

  15. Nobody is asking you to climb a tree on your first date. Not even on your fifth – Realize that your post is “Things I Have Not Said on a Date…” not “Things I Have Not DONE on a Date…” Just mentioning that you WOULD do these things if not for that fact that you’ve just met puts across a significant part of your personality. And you don’t have to start with climbing a tree. There are plenty of like-minded activities that portray this part of your personality without chipping away at your conservative facade.

    Not sure if I really understood your last statement… but I’m pretty sure that was an insult. In any case, it wasn’t an invitation for a date.

    As time goes on I’m more and more disappointed with you as a person and with your blog. Where are you headed?

    Nuff said.

  16. It looks like someone’s getting desperate (that would be BZ)! C’mon bad4! Just give him one already!
    Also, you made a mistake which no one has called you out on yet, so I have no choice but to do it. “There is one seriously deficiency to walk-in-the-park dates.” is not a correct sentence. I think the word you meant was “serious.” I love being a jerk on the internet. 😀

  17. Bz – It most definitely wasn’t an insult. Why on earth would I insult you? I was only pointing out that I don’t generally hang out with the male population except when I’m on a date. As you have not asked me out, it follows that we have not dated, and therefore, that we have not raced escalators or discussed climbing trees in the shade of one.

    I think you’re taking this post a little too seriously, to be honest. Or the blog as a complete portrayal of whoever I’m supposed to be. I don’t feel like I should need to defend myself against your life counseling, but then again, I see no harm in doing so. So I’ll admit that I lied: I did mention the tubing idea on the date. Obviously I wasn’t dating commenter tz, because it was our last date. I also mentioned the banister temptation when we passed (but didn’t shout “wheee” while flying down because I didn’t). That must not have been tz either. And you know what? I bet if it had been tz he still wouldn’t have proposed, because there’s an awful lot more that goes into deciding who to marry than their ability to think up slightly offbeat means of entertainment.

    eyekan – s’okay. I don’t mind spelling jerks. Except I always wonder if I should then correct the error, or leave it, because if someone reads the comments they might be confused if it’s not there… oy. See now you’ve presented me with a dilemma.

  18. bad4, the dilemma you face is in fact one of the great crises of our generation. If I had a popular blog which I managed to populate with interesting material, I’m sure I’d be facing the same dilemma, but fortunately this dilemma is reserved for the evil ones of our generation who manage to become well known bloggers. These bloggers are, of course, the cause of all our problems, so they deserve this horrible punishment. 😀

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