Jealousy + Hope

BoSD writes about that weird feeling you get when someone who seems to lack it all gets engaged while you (who presumably has something) are still single. Yep, guilty as accused.

It’s not either/or. It’s both. There’s the initial shock of “no way!” followed by “Seriously?” and then “Her?” and then “ouch, that hurts” and then “but then again” and finally “well obviously everyone has a someone!”

Actually, the thing that bugs me the most in that post is the quote about the 27-year-old finding someone to “take her.” Like she’s damaged goods, and a generous 28-year-old condescended to accept her as a charity case, like Chur and Miriam… Are there really people who think this way? Tell me no!

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11 thoughts on “Jealousy + Hope

  1. Yes, but she likely spent 100% of her time and effort on getting hitched to the exclusion of all else. Not everyone wants to major on the pursuit of marriage as the be-and-end-all.

  2. Usually, I see things the other way around … I know a lot of really great girls (who were much more marriable than me) who got married pretty late. And I feel like there’s no way I could get married at an earlier age than they did … I guess I’m too pessimistic for seeing things the way you do.

  3. Wow, I think you hit on the shidduch version of the Kubler Ross model: Denial, anger, (skip bargaining because what’s the point), depression (or hopefully just pain without the associated depression), guilt for being supercilious and thinking badly of the newly engaged, and acceptance.

    On second thought, what would bargaining look like in this case?

  4. SW – bargaining is when you wonder, “Would I rather be her and be in her place right now?” or maybe “what would I have to do to be where she is?”

  5. “…as a charity case, like Chur and Miriam”

    Chur was Miriam’s Son. The husband you are referring too, who married Miriam out of compassion, was Calev Ben Yefune, Chur’s father.

  6. And now to the post itself. I got married half a year ago, a few months after my 24th birthday. He was only the sixth guy I went out with. I had never had a third date with any of the others. I was perfectly convinced there was no way I would get married before 27 AT THE EARLIEST. Almost all the like-minded girls I knew were single. I never felt any jealousy of engaged friends, since after listening to their first sentences of describing the guy or the courting, I would secretly panic and vow to stay forever single if THAT was the alternative. (Granted, there are decent guys out there, and it’s not like my friends married jerks. It’s just that I had… Great Expectations)

    The only thing which I did towards finding my mate was telling G-d, telling Him PASSIONATELY, what I wanted and why. Turns out that was all I had to do.

    My husband is a cousin of somebody who has been my friend for THREE YEARS. She has never dared red such an impossible shidduch. Most people’s reactions to our engagements were “WHAT? She got engaged to HIM?? How come his parents agreed…” (Oh, that was heart-warming, really. I love to astonish narrow-mindedness)

    Trust G-d, that’s my only lesson. Which, as a control-freak, I struggle to follow in other areas. It was easier with shidduchim where it was clear I had no control. I don’t mean the perfunctory, ‘Hashem Yaazor’ trust. I mean faith. I mean feeling as well as knowing that He can. He can give you all you’ve dreamed of – and much more.

    It’s not easy. It doesn’t happen overnight. But I don’t think it’s possible to stay sane in the midst of so many insane people, ‘do this, don’t do that’, women in black, impossible shadchanim, and growing loneliness, without living this truth.

    Nobody, no matter how wise they appear, have the answer for you. Only He has. And the friends who appear to lack nothing and yet get engaged? Well, if inclined to envy them, remember as well that they are living proofs of who is in charge of this marrying business.

  7. Amen, sister!

    Wellspring, you have given me new hope – that there are people out there who see God, and only God, as their matchmaker; and that one can go through the process without blaming others, or frantically turning oneself into a pretzel to accommodate others who claim to “know,” or by making up segulos that have no basis to appease a pagan deity (I’m not talking about the ones who have sources, but the ones that get invented based on something wedding related).

    May we all have such faith!

  8. Sorry to get hung up on this – Calev married Miriam out of compassion? that is definitely not in Rashi (that she was a charity case I mean). Can you refer me to the gemara or Midrash this comes from?

    Thanks

  9. mor – I’ll try to find out. She was 80 and he was 10 (or something like that) when they married. The reason being, nobody wanted to marry her, so he did.

  10. I hope you don’t. what a sad midrash. because the idea that a talented and gifted woman who can sing, dance, lead a nation, and speak to god is rachmonus case whom no one would want is too close to home, still too prevalent in our community.

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