Too Comfy Being Single

People have two lives. There’s the outer one that’s evident to all observers. This mostly consists of a blank face and your actions. Then there’s the inner life. This is where the thoughts that drive the actions occur. Any given action could have a myriad of thought processes behind it. The mysterious part is that nobody really knows why you do anything unless you tell them.

‘Course, that’s never stopped anyone from speculating, assuming, and concluding about your motives.

Thus we have people observing SIR and lamenting that she’s getting too comfortable being single.

I don’t know what SIR’s been doing to incriminate herself, but I can imagine by extrapolating from my friends and myself.

The fact is, we’re single. And while I’m single – while I’ve got nobody else to think about – I’m going to enjoy my independence. While I’m free from the burden of humongous bills, I’m going to splurge every now and then. While I have no family to care for, I’m going to advance my career.

Does that mean I’m not ready to settle down and look after a spouse? No. Does it mean I’m not saving for the future and can’t tighten the belt for necessary expenditures? Seriously, no. And does that mean I don’t plan to look after my children when I’ve got ’em? No, not that either.

Is that wrong? Would you be happier to know that I spend my evenings in my room tearfully reciting Tehillim, instead of being outside in the fresh air building a soapbox derby racer? Would you like a ticker on my forehead so you can see how I weigh so many decisions against the belated Prince who just isn’t showing up?

Because the fact is, I am not comfortable being single. As a single, I have to hedge all my bets. Everything I do and every decision I make occurs under the shadow of my single status. Should I take that job and move there or risk unemployment but stay here? Should I try to find work with a company with awesome flextime options or go for the one with the better pay? Should I be buying something large and non-transportable when I might be married and across the continent in a half a year? Hey, Prince Charming, can you show up already and save me from living two lives at once?

Let’s face it. I’m a prisoner to the status I’m hoping to change. As long as I’m dating, part of my life belongs to a guy I haven’t met yet. And it’s a lot harder to  accommodate a guy you haven’t met, because you have to accommodate him in so many possible variations. Trust me: when he finally shows up, fitting him in will be a comparative breeze.

Me: O-oh! So you’re the permutation that wants to study toucans in their native habitat! Glad to meet you. See, I’ve got this alternative transportation fund I’ve been thinking of in terms of snowmobiles, but now I know to label it the Outrigger Canoe Fund. You’ve really taken a load off my mind. What took you so long?

Him: Delays out of Galeao Antonio Carlos Jobim International Airport. Also, my toucans were breeding and I didn’t want to miss the mating rituals.

But even prisoners have fun. People, being people, always make the best of their situation. That’s why I’m out with the girlfriends tonight, and that’s why I bought those gorgeous boots I don’t technically need (yet), and that’s why, if you don’t need that wheel, I’ll take it for my soapbox racer. It’s the perfect size.


12 thoughts on “Too Comfy Being Single

  1. Brilliant. Loved it.

    Does this make shadchanim kind of like probation officers?

    Low Security Shidduchim Penitentiary

  2. Right on target, and beautifully written! You’re right, trying to plan your life to fit an infinite array of possible spouses is challenging, to say the least. Maybe that’s why our yeshivas are turning out such generic and indistinguishable products…you know exactly what to expect. 😛 Seeing as that’s the case, your alternative transportation fund had probably best be redirected to either a Borsalino fund or Kupat HaIr.

  3. “Everything I do and every decision I make occurs under the shadow of my single status….And it’s a lot harder to accommodate a guy you haven’t met, because you have to accommodate him in so many possible variations.”

    So true! And very well said! It’s hard to think long-term when you’re hoping to find the right person and have to be open to drastic changes, while at the same time planning for the possibility that nothing will happen at all.

  4. I have bad news for you; your life doesn’t get “settled” just because you are married. In fact, there is uncertainty on even more levels. Will my husband get into grad school in-state or out-of-state? Should we get a one-room apartment, or will we soon need a two? When we need a new car, should we get a sedan or will we need a minivan? Can I plan a vacation for next winter, or will I be 9 months pregnant? Can we make dinner reservations for our anniversary tomorrow, or will the baby still be sick? Can I schedule that important meeting, when they are expecting snow, or will school have a snow day, and I will have to be home with the kids? Can we go away that week, or will I have to be in class for my daughter’s Siddur party?

    Each stage of life looks like it will be easier, but each stage B’H brings new challenges.

  5. Of course married life is not settled; it’s full of the unknown. But you have an actual spouse to make these decisions with. When you’re single, you make decisions based on an unfulfilled premise – they are all “just in case” thought processes, which actually ridiculous and valid at the same time. Heck, I can’t even get a haircut because what if my hair won’t be grown out enough for an updo by my wedding? So many stupid thoughts get in the way of the here and now.

    Boots can always be found a reason for being needed. Oooooh, shoes.

  6. love love love this post. you’ve brought a smile to my face. As i read it i feel you breezing by with your wonderful mr right and giving a smug (pretending to try and be discreet) “i told you so” smile to all those well meaning shidduch-cops out there. Go bad4! Prove em wrong!

  7. Well said!
    I honestly wish I had a son your age.
    (Yes, that’s a compliment 🙂 )

    Aside to Anonymous 11:20 am – I’m sure you didn’t mean to have this effect, but your little ‘one-upmanship’ comment might have rubbed salt into the wounds of some of the single blog readers……

  8. G6: you are absolutely right; that was not my intention, and I apologize if I offended anyone.

    That having been said, it was not one-upmanship; I myself have not had most of those experiences, so I couldn’t have been one-upping anyone. I was just pointing out the possible scenarios that Bad4 has to look forward to.

  9. I don’t care if any one single out there is offended by this – if you put too much emphasis is finding Mr. Right, Mrs. Right, or just SOMEONE in general, you’re just setting yourself, AND the person you eventually do meet, up for failure. Aim for perfect and you’re going to miss EVERY time, because nobody is perfect. We’re all human.

    Too many people RUSHING and PUSHING for their fairy tale, it’s no wonder the divorce rate is where it’s at. That’s not to say it’s wrong in any way to want or desire someone, we all seek fulfillment and happiness in many areas of our lives. Don’t sell yourself or your aspirations short under the premise that it may delay the process finding someone. The opposite is true, making and taking the steps to better yourself and do what you want opening the door for others to join you…

  10. Pingback: On Being Muddled « Bad for Shidduchim

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