Why You’re Still Single

It’s always been a mystery to me: why am I still single? Well, somebody knows, and she wrote it in to the Chronicles of Crisis this past week. For those who don’t read this oh-so-essential column, here’s the lowdown. If you’re still single, you probably fall into one of these categories:

1 – You’re obsessively spiritual

2 – You will only accept perfection

3 – You have a psychological need for a parental figure and don’t socialize well with people your own age

4 – Require a spouse they can worship on a pedestal

5 – Require a knight in shining armor to wrap them up in fluffy clouds and chase the big scary world away

6 – You’re fat, frumpy, or you have a big nose

The author has come up with these six categories, and notes that she doesn’t fit into any of them. She therefore wonders why she’s still single. I think she neglected one category:

7 – You’re an insufferable know-it-all.

Now, perhaps it is true that all single people fit into at least one of these categories. However, you can’t conclude your correlation = causation theory without checking the other end. Meaning, how many married people fit into these categories?

I admit that I don’t have enough friends to create a statistically significant pool, but I believe I have MFs who fit into most of those categories. Definitely into category 6. I’ve met men and women who fit into category 5 who are married; four – possibly, it’s a little hard to diagnose one’s friends; and one – definitely. Even category sevens get married sometimes.

19 thoughts on “Why You’re Still Single

  1. Well, I probably fall into categories 1 and 7 so that may explain why I’m still single … But my two best friends are my age, still singles and don’t possibly fit into any of these categories (and all my other friends are married) and I have lots of married friends who fit in 1, 2, 4, 5 or 6.

  2. I’m one of those catagory 7s, I just found another 7 to marry, and we spend our blissful married lives testing each other 😀

    Sometimes it’s up to G-d. How about that?

  3. I think many single people can think of a person who wanted to marry them, but they didn’t reciprocate the desire.

    The problem isn’t getting married. Finding somebody to get married is easy. Even extremely easy. What’s difficult is finding your ZIVUG and getting married to him.

  4. This is silly. It’s like trying to find something to blame about yourself and/or others to explain why you and/or they aren’t married yet. It’s not like that at all. Why does being single have to mean there’s something wrong preventing you/them from getting married? You/they just haven’t met the right person yet.

  5. When I read this, #1 and #2 seemed reasonable enough, but then I got to #3 — what does that even mean??? After that I couldn’t read the rest of the list with any amount of seriousness.

  6. when i read that last week i wondered why the author even acknowledged this person’s desperate cry for her 15 minutes. as for #6, she writes that there are girls that need to take care of minor anomalies that make them look ugly i figured the rest of the sentence would be about the miracle of coverup or proactiv solution. nosejob? that was nasty.

  7. I am not in any of those categories. I guess I am in these two categories:

    New category number one- I dated two women I would have married but neither wanted to marry me (and I’m not talking about after just one date; I’m talking about dating for 2-5 months). (One did say that if she hung out with guys, I’d for sure be her best friend because she loves my personality, background, interests, and we are hashkafically identical. I guess she wasn’t attracted to me. In her mind, I assume I was stuck in the “friend zone.”)

    New category number two- I am waiting to meet a woman who actually weighs less than me to whom I am attracted. (I am a light, thin, muscular guy. If I was a girl, I’d be described as petite. I am looking for the same because women who weigh more than I weigh is a turn-off to me.)

  8. Lawschooldrunk- I believe G was taking offense at the fact that you are looking for a girl who weighs less than you. Or she was just talking to Bad4 and saying that she fits into so many of the above categories that she isn’t even going to comment. I think maybe a career change is in order for you :p

  9. MCP – you were right on the second try. G is being snarky, which is him at his most personable.

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