I give up. That’s it. There’s nobody for me to marry so I’m not getting married.

What’s so great about marriage anyway? Instead of lying awake at night worrying because you haven’t got a husband and children (which I don’t actually do), you lay awake at night worrying because you do. Why would anyone want that?

There’s a lot more you can do when you’re single. I could start that spinster colony. Or become a crazy crusader. You know, one of those women who fly about making the world a better place. And everyone watches them zoom around and says, “She does such wonderful work but…” they twirl their fingers around their ears. Then they lower their voices and add “And it’s only because she never got married. If she had, she would have just settled down like everyone else.”

And they’ll decide to marry me off but I will refuse to go out because why do that to yourself? It’s just a stupid cycle of hope and misery. And then they’ll wander off muttering that I’m too picky and that’s why, yes that explains everything, they should have known, because what normal person would still be single at my age?

There are lots of things in the world that need improving. I’d never be short of a crusade. For example, I’ve always wanted to go back to my high school and teach Jewish history so that it’s actually interesting, instead of as a long list of names, dates, and books written. If I have a latent hatred for book-writing rabbis, it’s because of that class. Also dying rabbis, because then there’s another date to memorize. That would be my first crusade.

I could expand it by creating a Jewish History Society with a recreationist museum full of actors pretending to be burned to death in shuls and stuff like that. We’d have swashbuckling Jewish pirates, Jewish merchants, turban-tying Jewish viziers, stylish Jewish bankers, and horseback riding, pistol-toting Jewish explorers. All the people you never hear about because they were Rebs and not Rabbis (although some of them did write books).

Then there’s my bais Yaakov improvement project. I’ve noticed that a lot of bais Yaakov grads, who in all appearances are very aidel knaidels, believe that their high schools failed them in a single, very significant way. Not off-the-derech nobody-loved-me types of people and complaints. More if-I-wasn’t-so-well-grounded-this-would-really-disgust-me types.  I want to go around collecting interviews, searching for a possible common denominator, and then presenting the study to principals in the hope of improving our educational system. That could keep me busy for a while.

Yes, there are a lot of great and important things to do in the world. And as a single spinster, a crazy crusader, I will have the time and resources to do them. There is a bright, husband-free future ahead of me. So why get upset? If it ain’t working, just give it up. Not everyone can succeed at everything. Move on to something that you can do instead.

Note: This is not the post I promised commenter Noah. That one is still in second draft and will probably need four more to be presentable. This is filler material off my hard drive.

However, please rate this post on a five-star scale, with five meaning “I emailed this to my friends” and one being “gosh you were desperate for filler.”


26 thoughts on “Ne-ext!

  1. You know, bad4, you talk about the dilemma of leaving the tri-state area, and then of the fact that there doesn’t appear to be anyone for you _in_ the tri-state area… Maybe you’re slated for grander things in life, or at least for someone not in the subsection of Jews currently in a three state swath. Perhaps you’re just too interesting to meet someone in a simple shidduch setting and should instead take all that energy, DO something with it (as you speculate above) and hope to meet the right guy in the course of carrying out the caper.

    You could also try another Jewish population center – Baltimore/DC, and of course Israel come to mind.

  2. Those are good crusade issues. They have bothered me, too. Can I help you on your crusades even though I am married with kids?

  3. “I could expand it by creating a Jewish History Society with a recreationist museum full of actors pretending to be burned to death in shuls and stuff like that.”

    Sorry, not remotely funny. Maybe a little sensitivity is in order?

    You asked for us to rate this post; that light-hearted remark about Jewish suffering should earn you negative stars.

  4. You seem to be in a bit of a rut.

    How old are you, exactly? Because unless this was meant in cheerful good humor, the post is coming off as a little mid-life crisis in tone.

    Here’s how I handle it:

    1) I do not raise my expectations. Anytime someone is mentioned, anytime I go on a date, even with a nice guy, I hold a tight rein on my emotions, saying “Whoa there.” What goes up must come down. What stays down stays down.

    2) I believe in God and the concept of bashert. I believe that God wants us to marry so there will be Jews populating the Earth. So why get bent out of shape? Lean back and enjoy the ride.

    3) Small, emergency doses of chocolate.

  5. More if-I-wasn’t-so-well-grounded-this-would-really-disgust-me types.
    Um, can you explain this please? I want to make sure I’m not one of them. (Or I am?)

  6. Bad4-
    you’re not going to be a spinster. You’re going to get married! Trust me.
    And btw, I think the teaching JH idea is great, single or married! (I loved JH in High School) 😀

  7. Yes! I loved this post. Of course my mom says she doesn’t like me reading this. She says the outlook is too jaded. My outlook on shidduch dating is too jaded. But I don’t think so. I think it’s cute and funny and so yes, I forwarded it to her. So that’s a five for me.

  8. Good stuff. Solid 4. A little on the ranting end, but I totally get you, and have felt the exact same way. And I realized that first and foremost, I have to get out of my own head, and out and helping and doing for others. Create a life that I would want to bring someone into, not merely escape from with someone else in tow. Also doesn’t help that I AM that OOT guy with no dates (temporarily, at least), until I get back to NYC where the pastures are greener for dating.

  9. Honestly, you should not think about shidduchim all the time. It is not good to obsess over something, especially if it is not working right now.
    Saying that, maybe it is a mistake to call your blog badforshidduchim because you end up obsessing about shidduchim.

  10. the re-creationist museums is a little extreme maybe. but i get you that history could be a LOT more interesting in schools.
    Since you mentioned pirates, there’s a book I discovered recently that you might read- Jewish Pirates of the Caribbean. the tone is wrong to use it in frum schools, especially the sections abt the Jewish community in Amsterdam, but the material and time period it covers are way too neglected. (anything in between 1492 and 1776 basically.) and Jewish pirates! why don’t more people know about those! that could be your campaign?

  11. Tehila – yeah, I liked that book – that’s why I threw pirates into the mix. I didn’t pull those characters out of a hat. They’re all real.

  12. For goodness’ sake, B4, you are 24 years old!! That’s still fresh and young, in my book. No need to throw in the towel just yet. You still have plenty of time to get married, have kids AND embark on all the crusades you mentioned. If anything, having a daughter will lend more urgency to your causes…
    I really like your post, but I totally agree with ekahana. The line about the Jews burning is very out of place here…

  13. So which horseback riding, pistol toting Jews were you referring to, then? I once read a great piece on Jews in the American West, but it was more about the families and traders than the adventurers.

    (Most memorable anecdote: The only Jew in town in middle of nowhere Wyoming or something, German immigrant. He was very popular there. His wife served gefilte fish to the Ku Klux Klan members and they left him alone.)

  14. Tehila – don’t you think even traders carried rifles out west? Pistols, rifles, whatever. I had one great-great antecedent who traveled out west, and another who explored Israel extensively. I’m sure the one out west rode a horse, though the one in the middle east probably preferred a camel. Both would have required protection.

    I love the gefilte fish story. 😀 That’s the Jewish way, alright. Who needs a gun when you have potato kugel?

  15. You’re descended from Rabbi Yehoseph Schwarz? That’s amazing.

    Talk about yichus – if I wasn’t already married . . .


  16. I have bad news for you bad4 regarding your second project, that of an ethnographic study of bais yacov alumni (can I join you for this one???). You can not do this instead of getting married. You can only complete it after you get married. You can start your research now, sure, but as long as you are single no one will listen to you.

    As for teaching Jewish History, what’s stopping you? What does that have to do with being married or not? There have to be a lot of schools out there who would love to have a creative innovative highly motivated history teacher.

  17. Ekahana: If you read the Codex of Jewish History, and you excise all references to rabbis being born, dying, or publishing books, you will note something interesting: what’s left can be summarized as “[Number] of Jews burned to death in a synagogue in [city].” This is a fact.

    You initially got on a moral high horse by calling yourself a “Holocaust Descendant” as if that somehow gives you a better understanding of what it means to suffer for being a Jew (and who isn’t a holocaust descendant?) Perhaps your Holocaust ancestor could let you in on something known as “black humor.”

    Humor is what people take refuge in when reality demands that one either cry or laugh. Even in concentration camps, people were able to make jokes about their experiences. In fact, someone compiled a book of “Auschwitz jokes.”

    I was not there. I would not make jokes about concentration camps.

    However, Jewish history is as much mine as anyone else’s. And I am permitted to react to it in a manner that suits me best. When I summarize European Jewish history as “Jews being burned to death in a shul” it’s because that one cynical line (you called it “flippant”) is how I encapsulate all the inexpressible anger and sadness for all that lost potential.

    I apologize for offending polkadot and anyone else.

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