Friday Repost: Bad4’s Early Shadchanim Experiences

My first “shadchan” post

And the follow-up when friends protested

Request: After reading this post, please rate it below on a scale of 1-5, where one is “wow you were desperate for filler material” and five is “I’m going to bookmark this so I can go back and reread it every day.”


14 thoughts on “Friday Repost: Bad4’s Early Shadchanim Experiences

  1. Many of the experiences you cite are unforgivable, but can you imagine if there was a shachan blog (Worse 4 Shidduchim, anyone?), and we posted our experiences with inconsiderate singles? Or kept complaining about the GIB (Girls in Black), or MOGIB (Mothers of Girls in Black)? You are letting a few bad apples give the rest of us a bad name. (Which should not remind anyone of the lawyer joke, “95% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”)The rest of us really want to help you, and really want you to be happy, and, in fact, have been on the opposite couch, having once been single, and may have kids or our own who are dating.

  2. R-E-S-P-E-C-T!!! Sock it to me!

    The fact is, even the nice shadchanim I’ve been too have left me dateless. While I come from a background that is strictly shidduch date, this had not happened before in family’s history. Sure, there were a few women who were “professional” shadchanim, but most marriages were results of the efforts of less “glamorous” friends and family.

    Nowadays, there are a bunch of women who claim to be shadchanim. Boys and girls also used to meet on their own. No more. So now the near entirety of the Orthodox population have the need for middle-women, who apparently decide that manners, politeness, compassion, and value of other’s time can be placed aside in view of their clientele’s obvious desperation. (I am not saying all. But there are quite a few).

    My parents, thankfully, do not believe that sacrificing our dignity is not necessary to wed. If I sell myself so short, why shouldn’t they?

    I go with the premise that Prince Charming is not restricted to one route. Sure, he may come by way of the woman who blew off my mother on the phone (repeatedly) despite her father being good friends with my brother, or the lady who told me to email my info to her (twice) only to say I have to join a dating site, or the woman who called me up, asked me to dress up, leave work early, sit and smile, only to have nothing come from it?

    I’m sure Hashem can have him come via someone who can be pleasant, not make me jump through hoops, value my time, respect my decisions? Not possible, you say?

    Then what is the point of being a Jew? We’re supposed to be NICE!!!

  3. There are more than a few bad apples. And don’t even get me started on the good, let alone bad, apples who charge just to meet.

    Go fly a kite.

    (The force is strong with this topic.)

  4. Just as you wouldn’t want us to get started on the bad-apple-singles.

    I could counter each rude shadchan story with a rude single story, but what would be the point? There are nice people who act as shadchannim, and not nice ones. Nice singles, and not nice singles. There is no need to bad-mouth anyone, or disparage a group of people.

    By the way, I have never charged to meet anyone, set anyone up, or even for successful shidduchim. So all this hostility seems like a lack of appreciation for the hours a day some of us spend trying to make some of the rest of you happy, just for the mitzva. We may not always be successful, but after a certain amount of hishtadlus, it’s not in our hands.

  5. No hostility; just an interesting point over which to mull:

    Who has the power to be “worse” apples? Shadchannim or singles?

    My vote is shadchanim because the “worst” they can do is send you on a $550 roundtrip flight to date the nightmare from hell, where you spend $35 dollars on dinner, $45 on renting an automobile, and that’s not including lodging if you get the heck outta dodge faster n’ a twitchy-finger trigger pull.

    What is the worst a disgusting single can do? Frustrate and time-consume? I am curious and would like to hear the horror stories from your side, Random Shadchan.

  6. Naah, Lawschool. My lips are sealed.

    But you know, to paraphrase Dear Abby, no shadchan can send you on a date that you to which you don’t agree…

  7. If there were no checking being done by singles and their families and the only information a single ever got was the facts as a shadchan laid them out then perhaps there would be reason for anger at shadchanim. However, that is so not the case. A shadchan gives information to a single and that single then rivals the CIA in checking out that information. It can take weeks from when a shadchan first redts a shidduch to when both singles have done all their checking out. So why is anything that goes wrong ONLY the fault of the shadchan?

    So, a shadchan thinks that a male/female is pretty/handsome and one of the parties to the date doesn’t agree? That’s not lying–that’s personal taste. The personality doesn’t please one of the parties? No way to know how two individuals will react to someone based on how others react to that person. Are there some shadchanim that aren’t as good as others? Undoubtedly, just as in any profession. But then there are some singles who would also fall into that category.

    It’s any time easier to blame a person you can see than to blame a system put into place by our communities and rabbanim and schools that is flawed. Good advice–don’t shoot the messenger.

  8. I don’t blame you for not wanting to go back. But then, I think the system was created during times when children aged 14 and 15 were married off, so of course they needed some guidance. Something tells me you’re not 14. It’s humiliating, and seriously, something’s got to change.

  9. The premise of the post wasn’t how a date falls apart. It was how one may kill oneself in the attempt to initially contact a shadchan, or to be treated with common courtesy by a shadchan. Not every date is meant to be, duh.

    The system was not so hysterical once, and it was used often enough in Europe for individuals in their 20’s (my grandparents, for example, in both their pre-war and post-war marriages). Plenty of couples met on their own 20, 30, 40 years ago. What changed? The majority of singles want a middle-person. It’s not the system’s fault if it’s in demand, or if it is misused.

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