Broken Engagements

There’s nothing like hearing about yet another broken engagement to leave me pensive…

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8 thoughts on “Broken Engagements

  1. The chassidishe world is not immune to divorce. The rates seem to be rising regardless of religious status, so to say that one lifestyle is better than another is not getting anywhere.

    In previous generations marriages were not rushed into; eventually couples met, and then there were long engagements while a home or parnossah was being set up.

    Long dating can help negate Rochel-Leah syndrome because “Shabbos Face” (I don’t mean makeup, I mean affected demeanor) has to slip at some point. Couples then really know what they’re getting into. And how can it hurt? He’s only going to commit if he has a deadline held to his head? I think not.

  2. Aye,

    Bad4, are you convinced that the 6-9 date shidduch system is the optimal one? I know it’s _what’s done_, but do you see any reason why a longer dating span couldn’t work too, and may be better in some cases?

  3. Yes, I had a broken engagement. I agree with Princess Lea.
    The only thing that saved me from a divorce was my ”long” engagement period which I was initially averse to.

    I started to see the true face of my fiance’ post engagement.

    Thank G-d Shelo Asani Gerushah!

  4. I am not of your faith, but I had a short engagement that turned into a disastrous marriage. My ex had issues that were not apparent in the early ‘honeymoon’ stage of our relationship. Also, age was a factor. I was very young by more mainstream guild lines – 23, but that is probably average or old for your faith? Looking back, if I had been older and more worldly, I would have seen through him and never committed in the first place.

  5. My neice had a long relationship, a long engagement, and broke up the as we were packing to go out of town for the aufruf. Things were hidden which should have been obvious. They came to light to her only then. I don’t know that one can uncover deliberate deception easily and many engagements between all streams of daters get broken or even worse go through and then the relationship falls apart after marriage. I don’t know how one assesses these things but largely it is siyata d’shmaya.

    That being said, the style of dating that concentrates on resumes and the “interview” process that I continually denigrate to you and your readers, does not leave much leeway to test character. Some “characters” come out quickly and they are probably least dengerous and most insidious. Those that are good at hiding their character can control it under normal circumstances and may be more problematic.

    The only thing one can say is, thank heavens before and not after. (My youngest child had more friends who went through this process and, unfortunately, several of the marriages broke up in under a year. Yet there are several who are still happily married).

  6. Yes, I am very much open to more than 6 or 9 dates. Guys seem to prefer fewer dates, though, since they have to pay for them. In fact, they seem quite eager to decide and dump after one or two dates if possible.

  7. Mariella – 23 is pretty average for us. While that doesn’t make us less naive, I have to give our school system credit for starting us thinking about these things much earlier.
    Hope you’ve moved on since!

  8. While we were seriously dating/engaged, we knew 11 couples who broke engagements. It was a bit unnerving. I don’t think one ever knows for sure, but certainly I’m a fan of dating for a bit – but not too long, as it hurts the relationship – and engagements shouldn’t be too short but also shouldn’t drag out for the same reasons. I know that a few friends have noted that post engagement brought out a different side of the person they eventually broke it off with, primarily because once they were “comfortable” they felt less inclined to hide their bad traits.

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