Living Out of Town

“A guy moved here last year for a great job with a great company. He stayed here about three months before he packed it in and left. He said that if he stayed, he would probably never go on another date again.”

I guess three months was long enough to go out with the 6 single women in town.

People: if more singles lived out of town, more singles could live out of town.

Be brave.

Be bold.

Leave the tri-state area.


25 thoughts on “Living Out of Town

  1. Last I checked, weren’t you living in the thick of NY? Set an example. 🙂 You’re always welcome out here in the wilds of Out of Town.

  2. I agree 100% I’ve been saying that for years. However, if more people move OOT it might dilute the OOT attributes.

  3. I’m from out of town and am staying in New York preciously to date. It’s not just for dating either, but moving out of town single is social suicide. I have a few friends that did it and I didn’t really work out that well for them.

  4. The problem with this suggestion is that last time I checked OOT isn’t one city (as NYers would like to believe) but rather everywhere outside of the tri-state area. Unless everyone moving OOT moves to one place, this suggestion would cause the dilution of dating pools both ‘in-town’ and everywhere OOT. I realize many people have to move OOT for career/family reasons but unless you really have to- don’t. You are putting yourself at a tremendous disadvantage by doing this, especially if you are female. Why should a guy in NY say yes to a girl in Chicago when he he was redt three identical-sounding girls in NY?!

  5. OOTer – Why should a guy in NY say yes to a girl in Chicago when he he was redt three identical-sounding girls in NY?!

    Because by by the very scenario described they aren’t identical-sounding … one is willing to live OOT and three aren’t (or at least don’t). So if you are looking for someone that is likely more independent and secure in themselves, the Chicago girl is more likely to fit the bill (on average, of course! All 3 of these specific NYers could also be independent and secure, but when playing the numbers game, you have to look at averages [too]).

  6. Mark – Isn’t there also a difference between a girl who lives in NY on her own and a girl who lives OOT at her parents’ house? Just because someone is from Chicago does not mean she is more independent and secure than a girl from NY.

  7. Erachet – although independence, etc are factors, I think the more over-riding consideration is temperament, world view, laid back lifestyle approach/aspirations, and the ability to live happily amongst Jews of all different levels of observance (and gentiles as well, to a lesser degree). There are many things OOTs offer that the majority of IT cannot. I certainly met several non-New Yorky IT girls when I was dating, but they are the minority. I think Bad4’s onto something. Perhaps people should try doing summer interships/summer school or whatever to give them exposure to out of town life and the potential singles that live there – all with proper consideration and planning, of course.

  8. I think you you guys are being too nitpicky here and are making many assumptions about NYers/OOTers. These three hypothetical girls can all be non-stereotypical NYers or the many OOTers who have chosen to make NY their temporary home (like myself). The point of my comment was that it difficult for girls to get dates as it is, why make it all the more so difficult by making themselves ‘geographically undesirable’?

  9. Erachat – That’s absolutely true. But just isolating the OOT/IT factor, what I said holds true (on average, as I stated). Obviously many other factors come in play when determining level of independence. Examples include: living with parents, doing ones own laundry, cooking for oneself (and guests), paying rent and living expenses on their own, having a “real” job, commuting regularly, etc.

    SoG – Those are also attributes that OOTers tend to exhibit more of when compared to ITers.

  10. I continue to be perplexed by the comments on this site. Anyone who believes that there is one and only one Mezaveg Zivugim will not have a problem moving out of town and doing the necessary hishtadlus to date and get married there. As the cheesy shidduch story says, “God knows your zip code.” I have seen with my own eyes that this is true. Why is the notion of bashert totally absent from the shidduch world today? When did sincere, frum people stop believing that Hashem orchestrates things so that we each meet the right person at the right time?

  11. i am an OOT and i can tell you that aside from having to fly in to NY around twice a month ( which is pricey and virtually impossible if u are in school or have an actual job) you also have to deal with having ZERO social life. a) all my friends are married or are in school in NY b) restaurants – if there are any- close at 730-800 c) its pretty dead out here
    aside from that of course I LUV IT!!
    so basically if you are single and planning of staying sane AND dating not sure that “OOT” is the brightest idea
    although in theory it sounds nice practically speaking the smarter idea would be to get married THEN move out here

  12. It’s a pretty incredible generalization to say that if you are a frum single living anywhere in the United States besides the tri-state area, you are guaranteed to have “ZERO” social life. You have my sincere sympathy if that’s been your experience, eyy, but it seems to me that a determined person with a positive outlook can build a happy, fulfilling life just about anywhere. (I live in St. Louis, Missouri; there are about ten young singles at my shul and I have a great social life.)

  13. Love this post.

    My friend in Cleveland put it simply: “I could live in the tri-state. Or, I could live in Cleveland, work great hours, be a lot happier, have an incredibly low cost of living, and fly in whenever I want to whatever city I want to date whomever I want, and still have more money leftover than if I lived in some cramped apartment in the tri-state. And I have no interest in living in the tri-state whatsoever. So hmm, which should I do?!”

    Also, everyone we know who lived their life in a significant way differently than they’d want to specifically to date has later lamented that it was a waste. Better to be happy where you want to be (and/or pursue a career that’s meaningful to you, etc.) than live somewhere just to date. Being happy has a major impact on how you come across on a date, too.

    (I just remembered I wrote a whole post on this. Duh.)

  14. There are two independent issues here I think. One is that fact that OOT communities tend to have a different dynamic as far as how the community relates to singles, relates to itself, relates to non-frum Jews etc. The second issue is a pure numbers game regarding the how many singles live in the community. As someone living in Atlanta, I enjoy the supportive nature of the community, the fact that plenty of learning is available to me, and the cost of living savings. In terms of pure numbers of course it hurts my chances since there are relatively few singles here.
    One other point Ill make is that cities outside the tri-state I know with singles communities, such as Washington DC, tend to have them because of a high concentration of education opportunities and jobs which lead to singles coming to these areas.


  16. Easy solution- this generation’s singles move to NYC-tri to date. Upon marriage, they join the migration of ITs fleeing the tri-state. Eventual goal- shrink the tri- state area’s importance, since the next generation of singles won’t live there.

  17. PNN – You missed it. I moved. I put my money where my mouth is. [Pointed glance at Ezzie.]

    OOTer – that is the main problem with OOT. But I think there are enough Jewish singles to make a few cities work.

    Ezzie – some people don’t have unlimited vacation days.

    Honestly, I don’t think there’s much of a difference between IT and OOTers. There is no shortage of dull homebodies in and from OOT, and there are plenty of ITers who are mistaken for OOTers. Spare me.

    I don’t know what that video has to do with this conversation, but I just laughed really hard.

  18. [Pointed glance at Ezzie.]

    What? I didn’t move. 😛 (…yet.)

    Technically, you put your mouth where your money is. 🙂

    Yeah, I can’t imagine that method works for all. But the rest of it was a nice concept. Heck, you could fly people out to where you are and still be better off.

  19. I feel the argument those kids are having represents the real gender divide today most guys even though they are dating feel the same way as that kid.

  20. I agree with #20 — at least in the frum world, Lakewood is very much part of the tri-state area (and anyway, NJ is one of the three states…)

  21. People actually thought I moved to Lakewood? That was obfuscation. I never put up personal details. Anything that seems personal is distorted in some way. I chose Lakewood because I thought it was so obviously improbable.

  22. I moved way out and I found my lady, but it’s not for the fain t of heart. OI think the supply of ladies in NY is so much that most men just need to move on to bigger and better things which creates this cycle of one date relationships if you want to call them that – it seems to me that my friends who live out of driving distance to NY were the ones who all got hitched while the one’s who moved to NY for ladies are still in that ever increasing pool of slowly aging singles.

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