My Shidduchville correspondent got married a while ago and went to where all Shidduchville graduates go. Recently, she spied a classified in a local circular.
Wanted – Looking For a Shidduch for my amazing friend. no space to describe her. Do you know of a great guy around 30, a ben torah, who wants to live in israel? lets talk.
Well, there’s details for you. Although, truly, this seems to be how very many dates are set up. “Amazing Friend, meet Thirty-Year-Old Ben Torah. Talk about how you both want to live in Israel.”
Then again, I shouldn’t complain. There are shadchanim that require you to fill out multi-page questionnaires that include everything from where your parents grew up (Relevance, any?) to what school you want to send your children too (Because that will never change).
Is there a happy medium somewhere? I think so. But don’t ask me for details. I’m currently writing a mini-essay on The Role of My Rabbi in My Life for a shadchan.
There actually is method to the madness. I’m not a fan of detailed questionnaires, but a reason to ask where your parents grew up is the Jewish geography thing. (“Hey, her mother is Sara Schwartz from Yehupitzville? I had a friend Sara Schwartz in Yehupitzville! Wow, I hope her daughter is as nice as she is!”)
Re; the yeshivos, yes, people change over time, but rarely does someone go from, “I want my kids in the kind of yeshiva wherethe word ‘newspaper’ is an obscenity” to “Day schools really have the best secular education, and that’s most important to me”.
I (sorta) agree with the Jewish Geography reason for asking some questions, like who siblings are married to, but there is NO place IMO for questions like where do you want to send your children to school. Basic hashkafa questions are OK – do you plan to learn full time/kovea ittim/work/whatever, do you want to make aliyah, etc. But let the couple discuss what they want their future home and family to look like.
I can see why a couple might want to make sure they are on the same general hashkafic page before agreeing to a date. Besides, one could just answer that question by saying they are flexible.
The Role of a Rabbi in my life? At first, I thought it was over the top, but now that I think about it, it definitely addresses the deeper issues that connect/disconnect people, and I’m a big believer in people marrying for deep reasons, so….
Your shadchan lets you get away with MINI-essays? 😉