Friday (OK Tuesday) Sort-Of Repost: Let’s Not Go Out Again

Rereading this post, I was thinking how frequently one blows off the shadchan with a non-informative explanation for why you’re not interested.

Sometimes, it makes your life easier. There are many well-meaning shadchanim out there, but not everyone is for everyone.

Take the shadchan who called around all my references to find out if my skirts covered my knees (they do). She assumed they wouldn’t because I have a degree from a secular college and live away from home. Or the shadchan who prophesized that I’d come back begging for a learning guy after I saw the caliber of the working guys out there (the opposite occurred).

There’s an obvious disconnect here, so why waste your time trying to explain when you know they won’t get it?

And sometimes, you just don’t want to say what has to be said. Like, “He’s too nerdy for me. I know I’m nerdy, but he’s super-nerdier. A completely different level of nerdiness.” Or, “He was a little too into clothes, food, and appearances for me. Also fame. I’m trying to avoid saying ‘shallow’ here.”

Who wants to say it? Not me. So I don’t.

Which was why I was surprised to find myself candidly explaining to a shadchan why I was thinking about turning a guy down after a first date.

“He’s really nice and funny when you get to know him,” she said anxiously. “You just have to give him time.”

He didn’t need time. He’d been very nice and funny. We’d had a great time. He was just my brand of nerdy, actually. But…

I laid my explanation out like a five-paragraph essay. I introduced my reservation. Advanced the argument with three illustrations. And finished by concluding that, although I would not mind a second date, I rather thought I was wasting his time.

The shadchan listened thoughtfully and agreed with me. I polished off the piece of potato kugel she’d set in front of me, surprised by how pleasant the whole experience had been.

Maybe I should try this more often.

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11 thoughts on “Friday (OK Tuesday) Sort-Of Repost: Let’s Not Go Out Again

  1. That is operating under the assumption that all shadchanim actually listen to you when you talk. I have found it to be somewhat of a rarity.

    In any case, “Thanks, but he’s not for me,” is my staple phrase, from jerk to mensch.

  2. They are acting in prcinple like the Roman Matron story, I quoted earlier. .she tried to outsmart Hashem One should accustom himself to say Im Yirtze Hashem.and the shadchan should remember this …

  3. I saw your page on Daniel … and wish to inform you that nowadays even veggies are suspect… you gotta buy BODEK brand this and BODEK brand that… and the Strawberries and raspberries and a few more are now suspect … and keep this up and soon Rabbi Zanav will find a way to make more food tamei [not kosher]. Treif is not the correct term as it specifically refers to an animal that had a torn part inside after shechita.

  4. “Or the shadchan who prophesized that I’d come back begging for a learning guy after I saw the caliber of the working guys out there (the opposite occurred).”

    Wait, you mean it’s possible to be a working guy and NOT be a disgrace to society? Careful, a few more comments like that will get your blog outlawed by the Vaad Hatznius

  5. David: My theory is that if Moshe Rabbeinu didn’t have a magnifying glass for inspecting fruits and vegetables, I don’t need one either. The Eibishter didn’t give us all these wonderful things from the earth and then say “Gotcha!” So I will have some invisible bugs with my water, thank you. 🙂

    “Treif” is a Yiddish word derived from “treifa,” which is Hebrew. Whilst “treifa” may mean specifically “torn,” “treif” includes all non-kosher categories.

  6. Tell them that R’ Abba Aricha (a.k.a ‘Rav’ — see Chullin 137B with Rashi), who was the greatest of his generation, didn’t give a reason for refusal to someone who wanted to marry his daughter (see Yevamos 45A). Likewise, I don’t see a need to give you a reason as to why I don’t want to marry him!

    I’d love to see the look on their face!

    BTW, ask the “learners” who “Abba Aricha” was. Guarantee that 90% won’t know 😉

  7. Warning: this may cause you to squirm with live ants with or pants on a shidduch date.

    I too agree with you about the bugs …but alas I live in FRUMMY Frum Toronto where all the Married women here tell me the Super Frum VAAD rules their thinking…Soon they’ll find a way to make all raw fruits and veggies require a hechsher.
    Meanwhile our zeydies and bubbies never worried about bugs 50 to 80 years ago!
    Let’s make everything we eat Treif … great for dieting women !

  8. I can see that both ways. A shadchan might listen to it, hear what you’re saying, and think “you know what, I hear that – okay.” Or, if they feel that you’re misreading the person, the shadchan might say “I think that you’re jumping to conclusions, he/she isn’t really like that, I think you should give it another shot” – and that, too is reasonable.

    The problem there is that the single simply won’t see that of things most of the time. The impression they have is what will stick (and this is normal since most people do that about everyone in the first couple minutes anyway), and they won’t open their mind to the idea that their first impression might be mistaken.

  9. The Shadchan should be able to put your needs ahead of his of needs [money] …if the shoe doesn’t fit and he tries to persuade you otherwiise he’s in it for another reason.
    this is an old game played by lousy salesmen too .

  10. I think girls should give reasons bc the few times they do it’s laughable. I dated a girl a while ago who I liked everything about her, but I wasn’t into her at all. For our 5th date I figured I’ll try to do something to see if I could force some sort of attraction. I took her to a place with a more romantic setting and we lied down on couches. Didn’t work, nothing there. She told the shaddchan I was trying to make a move on her! Lol, on her? Buy a mirror sweetheart!

    OK, so yes, people should give a reason bc usually they think they were able to figure something out about the guy, when they have to realize they aren’t so good at reading the situation. Basically every time a girl has said no to me and gave a reason it was ridiculous.

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