Rereading this post, I was thinking how frequently one blows off the shadchan with a non-informative explanation for why you’re not interested.
Sometimes, it makes your life easier. There are many well-meaning shadchanim out there, but not everyone is for everyone.
Take the shadchan who called around all my references to find out if my skirts covered my knees (they do). She assumed they wouldn’t because I have a degree from a secular college and live away from home. Or the shadchan who prophesized that I’d come back begging for a learning guy after I saw the caliber of the working guys out there (the opposite occurred).
There’s an obvious disconnect here, so why waste your time trying to explain when you know they won’t get it?
And sometimes, you just don’t want to say what has to be said. Like, “He’s too nerdy for me. I know I’m nerdy, but he’s super-nerdier. A completely different level of nerdiness.” Or, “He was a little too into clothes, food, and appearances for me. Also fame. I’m trying to avoid saying ‘shallow’ here.”
Who wants to say it? Not me. So I don’t.
Which was why I was surprised to find myself candidly explaining to a shadchan why I was thinking about turning a guy down after a first date.
“He’s really nice and funny when you get to know him,” she said anxiously. “You just have to give him time.”
He didn’t need time. He’d been very nice and funny. We’d had a great time. He was just my brand of nerdy, actually. But…
I laid my explanation out like a five-paragraph essay. I introduced my reservation. Advanced the argument with three illustrations. And finished by concluding that, although I would not mind a second date, I rather thought I was wasting his time.
The shadchan listened thoughtfully and agreed with me. I polished off the piece of potato kugel she’d set in front of me, surprised by how pleasant the whole experience had been.
Maybe I should try this more often.