Yep, That’s Why I Blog

From a young friend, recently back from seminary, first attempting to land a date, and finding it less than intuitive:

“I wasn’t fully prepared for it at all. I mean, I’ve lived independently for two years now, go to college, make my own meals, I’m responsible for my own health and other important decisions, but I can’t assert any measure of control over my dating life? It’s just so weird and unsettling. And it isn’t romantic at all. Not that I’ve been on any dates yet, but still. It doesn’t feel nice at all.”

Tell me about it. It’s an odd feeling to be a highly capable human being, trusted with life, liberty, pursuit of happiness, drinking, gambling, voting, and huge responsibilities at work, but unable to get a date on one’s own power.

Effort is commensurate to return in so many aspects of your life. And yet, on this very key subject, you’re entirely helpless.

You pay the rent to live like you’re grown

You’re never behind on payments for your phone

But you can’t pick out a date on your own:

You must wait for an idea from the shadchan.

*

At work you spend $40k before lunch

Your boss calls for you when he’s in a crunch

But you can’t get together with a boy for lunch

Without the suggestion of a shadchan.

*

You sock cash away in your 401k

You pack healthy brown bag for lunch every day

You attend a shiur and live the right way

But you can’t get a date without a shadchan.

*

You can drink alcohol responsibly

You can vote for the leader of our country

You can buy a ticket for the lottery

Which is like waiting for a date from the shadchan.

*

Your life is your own for 365

Only you control the things that keep you alive

But if you want a drone to help in your hive

You’ll have to wait to hear from a shadchan.

…okay, okay. Not a drone. But I was running out of rhymes, okay?

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24 thoughts on “Yep, That’s Why I Blog

  1. Was the above meant to be sung to Rufus Wainwright’s “Hallelujah”? It fits rather perfectly.

    Taking the shadchan out of the equation, dating is still a crapshoot. Heck, you ever read any of those gentile advice columns?

    And that is the point. Because if someone is on the search for their soulmate, they are gonna need a little divine guidance. Make that a lot of divine guidance. That is something one cannot control. And we have to acknowledge that we cannot manipulate it, anymore than we can control the weather.

  2. We tend to think of power as being able to directly influence life to get what we want, like being able to ask or demand something and have it served up immediately.

    There are other types of power, some more subtle and indirect. For example, knowing how to get noticed. Some people are less subtle about it (eg. miniskirts and showing lots of skin in the secular world), and others more so.

    I once dated a woman who was not conventionally attractive and dressed extremely modestly, but knew how to walk into a room and turn heads. She exuded power, but didn’t need to demand or directly affect others to get what she wanted. She definitely had a striking impact on me, and had me pursuing her zealously without exercising direct power.

  3. If anyone has the secret for getting nice, normal guys to date please clue me in. I think they are all hiding. If someone asks me what I’m looking for, I’ll always say first just “a normal nice guy” (and then go into the whole expected shpeel abt career, hashkafa, etc etc). It seems like even those are hard to find though.
    I just wish that for once it would be easy to find a guy to go out on a date with. Wish I don’t need to wait for a phone call or email from a shadcan, yuconnects, or family friend. Wish I didn’t then have to send my bio and hope he approves and doesn’t choose another girl’s bio instead. But that’s probably everyone’s wish……right?

  4. i agree with pleasently surprised gr8 shidduch! u never know as they say on other shidduch blogs shidduchim have been made . so who will be the shadchan?

  5. It is hard to find a shidduch no matter what, but I think that a shadchan is only a more appropriate tool in finding a shidduch if the shadchan knows the people she is setting up and is honest otherwise it is no more holy than internet dating sites or meeting someone at a party. you can argue that many people meet via shadchanim but i am not convinced that it is a better way to meet someone. it is hard to meet someone on your own but at my age i am much more successful meeting someone in person than meeting via a shadchan because of my age.
    it is important to be discerning when looking for a match which is why a lot of people become ultra picky with a shadchan and on frumster etc. its because you can be.

  6. @frum single female – Agreed. You get the most random suggestions from shadcans who have met you once and now remember you from a piece of paper and from internet dating sites. On top of that, you then need to kindly and gently explain why you don’t think it’s worth a date.
    @anonymous – it actually happened to one of my friends. she started a blog and he commented on it/emailed her and now they are married. such a good story for the classic question: “how did you meet?”

  7. Great shidduch? Just because we each claim to be nice and normal? Most people I meet claim that, and least I assume they do. So besides that you got nothing to make you think it’s a good match. Hmm, I guess you are right, you do sound like a shaddchan!

  8. Iyhby, maybe we don’t actually need that much more than just being ‘nice and normal’?
    Though I originally made my comment in jest, it may not be a bad idea at all…
    Good4, what do you think?

  9. B&N:

    “On top of that, you then need to kindly and gently explain why you don’t think it’s worth a date.”

    Feel free to quote me on this original line, which should suffice: “Thank you so much for thinking of me, but he’s not for me.” (And if it doesn’t suffice, you might want to politely avoid that person in the future.)

  10. so bad4 what do u think about this shidduch? that pleasently surprised thought of?? mayb u should be the shadchan ull send iyhby – b & n… again resume and ull send iyhby resume to b &n ….again . go for it!!!! u never know!!! and maybe in the merit of this ull meet ur fututre husband-bashert!

  11. to clarify, it’s your point on siyyata dishmaya i agree with. i’m still trying unsuccessfully to fit bad4’s meter into “hallelujah”…

  12. iyhby -lol what do u mean by ”just find me girls who won’t go out with me before a first” :< confused

  13. Why would you rely on a shadchan at all? You seem far too intelligent for that. Shadchans are just like headhunters in business: they are dreadful at dealing with Sui Generis CVs, and flock to the safest, boilerplate candidates imaginable. I have never received an offer via a headhunter, and I doubt we would ever hire anyone that way — we want people with less than boilerplate backgrounds. Same holds true in marriage.

  14. That feeling of helplessness hit me so powerfully when I went back to waiting for date offers after a 6-month serious relationship didn’t work out. I finally admitted to myself that i really, really wand to build a relationship with someone, and that i had zero control over when or whether I would meet that someone. It was the first time in my life that i turned to Gd and honestly asked – begged – for help. Tears and all. Looking back, I think that’s all He was waiting for.
    It was an extremely difficult and depressing time (being in between asking for help and receivïng it is an incredibly vulnerable position). It was also the single most faith-affirming experience of my life.

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