Quote of the Wedding: Broken Heart

It’s very sad when a good friend, with whom you’re used to having physical proximity, goes and gets married. Suddenly, they’re not there to talk to in the evenings any more. They’re not conked out on your couch Shabbos afternoon, or borrowing your toothpaste because they forgot to buy (yet again), or making you laugh at your loathed boss at midnight over cold leftover couscous. Instead, they’re off with some guy that they’ve chosen over you. And you’re all alone in an empty apartment with an ugly Craigslist couch that looks pathetically empty.

“She was the first to break my heart by getting married,” reminisced the bride’s former flatmate about a long-married friend. “There’s been a long string of them since.”

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19 thoughts on “Quote of the Wedding: Broken Heart

  1. It’s very hard to maintain friendships the way they were after marriage- and it can really hurt, on both sides. I’ve also seen single friends who no longer want to have much to do with their married friends, since they will “no longer understand” their life. I wish we were better, as a general community, at making relationships flexible enough to withstand marriages, new babies, deaths, and other changes in personal status.

  2. i’ve been on both sides now, and understand each intimately. friendships are flexible if some effort is expended, which will happen if the friendship is worth expending effort for. married friends definitely borrowed eggs and sugar from me when i was single, and they did come to visit. now that i’m married, i still go on late-night walks or out to brunch with single friends, just maybe fewer outings with fewer friends. life proceeds at different paces for different people, but progress is the ultimate goal. it’s harder/less relevant to share my life with people now- and that took getting used-to. on that front, your married friends can’t/won’t always tell you what’s bothering them, so you might believe them to be perpetually available for the listening and get spooked when they don’t really have the energy to listen but aren’t explaining why not. but in the long run, every female needs female friends at every stage of life.

  3. I have one married friend who I literally hadn’t talked to in a year. He called me last Erev Rosh Hashana, but I was so busy with school that I didn’t get a chance to call him back then… or after the Chagim were over.

    Then he called this Erev Rosh Hashana and we actually spoke for 13 minutes – and this is one of my best friends from Israel/YU. It can be very hard to keep in touch with people, even when you’re married too…

  4. I like your blog a lot, but what’s with “some guy they’ve chosen over you”? A few things:

    1. I understand this isn’t so accepted in some communities, but maybe give the husband a chance and get to know him a bit? My friends married great guys and I hang out with the couple in addition to hanging out with my friends on their own. One of the husbands eventually introduced me to my husband – something he probably wouldn’t have been able to do if he didn’t know me at all.

    2. I’m married and one of my closest friends is single. Sometimes she calls me, sometimes I call her. Sometimes she can’t talk, sometimes I can’t talk. (And sometimes we end up talking for an hour.) All of us have lives, and I don’t think it’s so fair to dump all the blame on the newly married friend. Yes, she won’t be able to hang out on your couch in the middle of the night or whatever, but she also wouldn’t be able to do that if she started a new job with odd hours, if she moved to a different state, etc. Would you still talk about her in the same way and say she chose the new job/location/etc. over you and singlehandedly killed your friendship? You can still be friends even when life circumstances change. Your friendship will change too, but that’s a fact of life that happens to all long-term friendships regardless of anyone’s marital status. I agree that it’s something to mourn, but the slur on the guy and their relationship is unnecessary, I think.

    Gmar Chatima Tova and best wishes for the new year

  5. Shira – I think it was meant to express the idea that you could be best friends for years, then your friend meets some guy/girl and gets to know them for all of three weeks, and poof you’re no longer the best friend – there’s someone more important than you.

  6. What Anon said.

    The person quoted was talking about her roommates, so it was quite literally a matter of them moving out of her apartment and in with the new guy.

  7. Goes to show you your mantra:
    “Enjoy being single – it’s fun.”
    is a rationalization at best, or a myth you want to believe.

    All relationships, even with “best friends”, as you here learned,
    are ephemeral, if not shallow, except for marriage. That’s the way
    Hashem created the world. It takes two (these days we have to
    add “of the opposite sex”) to become one, to foster a lasting bond,
    which eliminates the emptiness, and hopefully includes loving
    children.

    Happy, sweet 5773!

  8. So I reread your post and the comments, and I guess I missed the point of the post. And my comment was kind of harsh. I’m sorry.
    I suppose I (over)reacted strongly to the “some guy they chose over you” because I read it in a broader context as implying that people can only have close friends when they’re single, and when they get married they abandon all other friendships in favor of their husband. Like Maya said, I’ve seen people assume that when a friend gets married, the friend will no longer understand them or want to have anything to do with them – and they preemptively resent the married friend (and the spouse). People can end up creating distance from their friends for no real reason – and ironically, the NMF may actually want the company of their friend more than ever (the first years of marriage can be lonely sometimes).
    Anyway. I do really like your blog, and I should’ve realized from what you write that you didn’t/don’t just write off any friend who gets married. And even though it’s inevitable, it is sad to realize that there are certain experiences you’ll never share with your friend/s again.
    Hope we understand each other a bit better now. Thanks for the responses (especially yours, iyhbh. I’ve never gotten a “Wow…wow” before. Harsh, but that was what made me realize how off the mark my comment was 🙂 )

  9. No worries, Shira. Tis the joy of online communication. I agree that many people dump married friends too quickly, but still. It ain’t the same.

  10. How about ur single friend not willing to work with u anymore cuz it’s “not appropriate” anyonewanna expain that one to me? we worked together for a number of years before my marriage but once I got engaged, it was no longer ok. & because i was no longer available from 10pm-1am, many of my single friends were never available to talk either. while i know this doesnt compare to marrieds dropping singles, these things really bugged me.

  11. Yeah, my heart is broken too! I love my husband and he is my best friend, but I miss my friends too! It’s annoying that we all moved all over the place and need to pay hundreds of dollars if we want to actually SEE each other. Wah. Bummer.

  12. former blogger: Not sure what you mean by “work with”, but in my case I hired my best friend after he got married 🙂

  13. The difficulties that friendship can survive are directly proportionate to the amount of effort that each party puts in. Sadly, sometimes with newlyweds they forget about everyone else, but in my experience, that is only a small percentage of couples.

  14. former blogger – what’s the male/female situation here? Not that I think it makes a difference, but I’m curious.

  15. we’re both female- we were friends from school. Now, it was a profitable business so the only possible thing i can think of is that it was an excuse to kick me out so she gets all the profits. After all, we already spent a year creating it and getting it off the ground. Maybe she decided that onces it’s allset up & doing well, she’ll make more $$ w/o a partner- but she didnt say anything till i got engaged, & then it was- “my parents dont think its appropriate” I asked, “what do you mean?” she said, “if you’re gonna b married and i’m going to be single, its just not appropriate.” So folks, what do u think- was it just an excuse? or is there really something “inappropriate” about working together?

  16. I’m stymied. But people have the weirdest hangups. I’ll call her parents if you give me their number.

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