Friday Repost: Is Pefection Necessary?

The debate is more exciting than the prompt. Do you need to be in love to get engaged? How compatible is compatible enough?

I have another question. Doesn’t love at first sight blind you to all the incompatibilities that crop up later on in the relationship? Sometimes, seeing people struggle post-marriage, I wonder if they’d have gotten married at all if they hadn’t looked deep into each other’s eyes on the first date and fallen madly in love, skipping all the conversations about goals, lifestyle, and aspirations.

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9 thoughts on “Friday Repost: Is Pefection Necessary?

  1. I’m not crazy about the line “in love.”

    Being compatible with someone is different than he being perfect. It’s just that his faults are not so egregious to you as they would be to someone else. Or, what others would consider a fault you consider a good quality.

  2. I’ve never been “in love” with anyone I’ve gone out with, unlike most people I know. But I prefer it that way. I tell my parents I’m gonna marry someone I probably don’t love, just someone I respect, can relate to, and enjoy being with. Love will grow later. They think I’m nuts 🙂

  3. Reading some of the comments from the post you pointed to, it reminded me of a meal I had with my brother and his wife. He said that he married her, yet he probably could have married many other girls as well and found love and happiness with them. She did not approve. 😛

  4. it might be wise to review Parshat Chaye Sarah … there it says yitzchak took rivkah and he loved and she became his wife and he was comforted by her after his mother.

  5. I think the order was he took her, she became his wife, he was loved her and was comforted (or was comforted and then loved her). But I am quite clear on the order of the first two item: First took her and she became his wife. Love came after all that.

  6. I like the goals, lifestyle, and aspirations part. And I do think that love can come later if you’re both committed to the relationship. I agree with iyhby- there are probably a small number of people with similar qualities to my husband with whom I could have been equally as happy.

  7. Im just saying when ppl talk about getting eng with questinos of compatability i freak out. DONT think you can marry anyone. you know how ppl say as long as both ppl have decent middos they can get married? well maybe. but they cant necessarily be HAPPILY married. that takes more than that. as someone who as been thru a broken engagement (he was almost the one..) dont let fear of spinsterhood let you marry someone ur not compatable with even if technically things match up and objectively you see a lot of good cuz news flash-we live pretty subjectively so be careful not to delude urself. and theres always faults but if theres emotional compatibility and u can be safe and open and find wholesomeness and a feeling of wholeness w the other person than i agree that the deep love can come later. also respect shud be there and no why. like have clear reasons dont convince urself that something is there when it is not. if you are dating someone and you are upset that you cant figure out what he is, chances are you already know and you dont like it and you are hoping it will change but we dont marry images and fantasies. we marry people who they really are. good luck, all and while singlehood is tough as anything, its wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy more miserable being in a dysfunctional or not emotionally safe relationship.

  8. The point is as rabbi Arush explains you write a Ketubah and you have to work on fulfilling all the conditions of that contract … there is no getting around that point … you choose her, and hey man, you got to honor her, making her wishes 1st place … she says on the way out take out the trash, it’s only a minute to do but if you don’t do it, you can expect to have a hot fireworks from your darling eshet chayil … oh yes sir, it’s the tiny things that men overlook, but make a big difference. So there you have the big secret to successful marriage. Men are from Mars and Women are all from Venus.

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