At my ancient age, and with all the new dating websites cropping up and changing their names and all that, I decided to give one of them a try. So I logged on, wrote myself up an elaborate profile, and went to trawl the potentials.
It got depressing almost immediately.
Most of the guys didn’t bother uploading a photograph. Most did not put much effort into writing themselves a decent introduction. “Hi, I’m a nice sweet guy with lots of friends. I like to hang out, grow, and have a good time.” If that’s not an exact quote of anyone, it’s certainly an acceptable paraphrase of almost anyone.
And those were the better ones. Some of the writing made me wonder if marriage is just a form of long-term charity. “i have an amazing carer,” read one. “Do you think me means career?” I wondered. But with that spelling, I decided it was more likely he had a case manager, or someone paid to care about him.
“looking for a slim nice pretty girl to fulfill my spiritual needs”
– [sic] – enough said.
“I am a reasonably intelligent half-decent guy… That’s it, that’s all I got.”
I choked up when I finished that one.
“Doesn’t this make you want to cry?” I asked, passing my laptop to a friend.
“Ohmigosh, that’s sooo sad,” she agreed.
“I kind of want to message him that I’m sure he’s worth more than that, and try to help him make a better presentation,” I said. “But I wouldn’t want to give him the wrong idea.”
Apparently this motherly sentiment is fairly common among women skimming profiles. Another friend, and long-time user of online Jewish dating websites, says that she is often tempted to embark on a career as a Profile Mommy—wiping off the smudges and dabbing at runny noses, so to speak. But she also hesitates to get involved with anyone lame enough to require her solicitude.
Then there are the pickup emails. I opted for the “direct mail, no shadchan” option because I thought I could handle it, but… I understand that messaging someone you’ve never met is awkward. But honestly!
The first email I got went like this:
That’s it. That’s all he got. Not a whole lot for a girl to work with. The next few were not an improvement. Not one bothered to capitalize a single letter. Some thought punctuation was optional too.
Then came the kicker. I got an email from a guy who had not only filled out his profile, but he’d also included a picture! Whoa! Overwhelmed here. Except for one problem: his picture. No offense, Jewish guys, but he didn’t look Jewish.
So I dragged his photo into a Google Image Search and lo! Turns out Matt Damon has converted and moved to Lakewood, where he’s learning under the name of Tzviki.
While I’m flattered by your attention, I’m really more of a Ryan Gosling girl. If you meet him in morning seder, can you tell him that I’m waiting for his email? Thank you.
Then, feeling a bit self-conscious, I added:
PS: My other profile picture is Heidi Klum.
Not sure this online dating thing is working for me.